Being Thankful

I've learned to roll with the punches, but lately, I think I have taken more hits and I really need to learn how to drop and duck. It's been a myriad of emotions ... I go from sad to miserable to anger and I'm not sure what to do.

But I am thankful for my life and the fact that I've almost live thirty years on this land.

Thankful for the lessons I've learned. Mostly I have made mistakes and for the most part I have learned, but not really. I feel empty inside and I don't know if I should be worried about my health any more because it is crap.

Thankful for the people I've met. I have learned to not be open but have also learned that I can trust again. Sure, it may have been foolish for my part but you know what? I now have learned that, too.

It's been an exciting life thus far.

I'm thankful for the friends I have remaining. Most of them are lingering thoughts, but they are there for a reason regardless. I'm thankful for whiskey. And bread. And jasmine rice.

I'm thankful for being able to learn and re-learn some things and discovering that even when I'm down, that I'm not down for the count. I'm around still. For some odd reason, I keep getting back up.

I'm even thankful for headaches because if I didn't have them any more, I'm pretty sure I have become numb permanently.

I remember how I was about five years ago... that self is long gone and have been replaced with someone wiser and older about how life works. I have been hurt and hurt a few more times after that. But even with my battered heart, my dying body and my ever-lustful spirit ... for some odd reason, I'm still here.

And for that, I'm thankful. I'm thankful for still having whatever ounce of fighting spirit that courses through my veins.

It'll Be Thanksgiving Soon... helloooo November

Winter is Coming ...

But first, Thanksgiving, Winter Solstice, etc etc ...

I have another doctor's appointment on December. It's four days before my thirtieth birthday, too. The test I had done in October resulted in my December appointment... the doctor is hoping that this procedure will make healthier cells grow. If not, well some sort of treatment will be formulated and hopefully I can beat this.

It's not every day someone gets diagnosed with two types of cancers.

Undisclosed Truth

I use to find joy in writing. Writing was how I expressed myself.... I poured my entire being into a story. And whatever story it was that I was currently writing at the time, it became a part of me. And now I'm writing a more personal story, and this time you have no idea how scared I am.

People used to hang out with me because they thought I was someone who I wasn't .... this enjoyable person that loved to go clubbing and dancing and drinking, which really I do like that doing that stuff, but that isn't me. I splurged and treated "friends" on many occasion, but I got tired of it and the more I showed who I am inside, the more people couldn't believe that was me. But yes, I'm not that person, and as much as I wanted to be that carefree individual, I'm not.

For those who know me, I'm very private which is the opposite of my alter-ego. I loved the attention, not gonna lie. I did enjoy, but I'm not the social butterfly everyone thought I was...

I was someone like that before, but that isn't me. I'm shy, but I do get out of my shell more often than I like. And this new path in my life is one of the hardest ones I will ever have traveled. Harder than the path it took me to find out who my birth parents are.

I want to say I'm doing it alone, but I'm not alone. I have a stable foundation. It's rocky because I keep pushing people away. That's me on the defense... and I appreciate each and every one of them very much. They are my foundation, my rock.

And I don't know how to thank them. I don't know how to show it. Aside from saying 'thank you,' but they deserve more than that...

I love them. And love is scary, too. I have been hurt way too many times. So I push ... me on the defensive. But the people who I have it my life now. They see me struggle and in pain, but they don't leave me. They keep me going. Every time I'm negative, someone has a positive thing to say. Or do.

Honestly, I have no idea how I'm supposed to do this ...  it's painful. And I have no idea how to put myself together. Or how to keep going. Nights are the hardest; it's when the tears sneak up and I can't hold them any longer.

I'm not sure how to cope. All I can do is not give up and keep going. Think positively. Keep smiling and fake it until it becomes reality.

... I am overwhelmed.

September Flew Right By...

And it is now October.

So, news: I have been recently diagnosed by cancer. And thus, begins my new journey ... onto a path I never thought I would need to be on ever in my life.

Needless to say, I'm overwhelmed. Very much so. And honestly, I don't know how to even begin to take it all in. I really don't.

I smile because it's a lot easier to do. It's easier to pretend everything is okay than having to explain. A lot easier to just take it one day at a time. Never thought I would be here, though.

Never would have imagined it in a million years.

I get it why I keep being told that I'm too young to have this.... I get it. Because most women get diagnosed later in their years. And you know what? Ovarian cancer is the fifth deadliest cancer for women. It is a silent killer.

There is no way to detect it earlier, but there are symptoms that every women should be aware of:

• Bloating
• Pelvic or abdominal pain
• Trouble eating or feeling full quickly
• Feeling the need to urinate urgently or often

Other symptoms of ovarian cancer can include:

• Fatigue
• Upset stomach or heartburn
• Back pain
• Pain during sex
• Constipation 
• Menstrual changes

[http://www.ovarian.org/detection.php]

If you exhibit any or all of those symptoms, please Take Early Action and Live. According to whyteal.org, "this year, more than 22,000 women will be newly diagnosed." That's about 1 in 71 women. And it so happened to be me being 1 ....

Please take care. I doubt I will be here as much. Maybe I'll turn this into a journal of sorts ... I used to write as an outlet for everything... nowadays, it's just ... painful.

I have been very lucky to have met the people I've met in my life. They help shape me into who I am today. I have been hurt, been forgotten by so-called friends, and even called names. And I have forgiven them all. I don't need people like that in my life. I am doing fine on my own... kind of. I'm still here. Living it day by day.

Maybe I'll write a more poignant, emotional post later on. I do have an appointment -a follow up- on October 28. I would ask for luck, but it is a wee bit past time for that.

An Open Letter to the World

It's almost September. This year has gone by very fast, and it seems that everyone has an opinion or something to say who I am. Thanks, but if you don't know who I am, please don't criticize me. You have the right to have an opinion, but this doesn't mean your opinion is right. 

I get why people think I'm off or weird. Because I am. I am wired differently from most people. I don't care how I look on a given day, but since I do have to appear as if I care, then I project that image. When I'm doing something, it is because I want to do that something. It isn't because it has been told to me that it is good for me or have been brought to my attention via suggestion. The reason I do things are my reasons. I don't belong to anyone. I'm adopted... and that very phrase means so much to me more than you can know. I am not shaped by unfortunate circumstance, but I could have been very well be. The family that adopted me ... rather, the women who have to care for me and have helped shaped me into who I am.... not only am I shaped by them, I'm shaped by my peers, colleagues... society as a whole and the environment that brought me up shaped me to who I am today. 

The person I am right now is still growing. Individually finding the shoes that fit. Spearheaded by my stubbornness and my childlike attitude, there is a mature individual here. I might be confused most of the times, but I have always landed on my feet. I seek the truth and you know, it might actually scare me into obedience, but I doubt it very much. 

I don't like to conform, and when I do, it's because I can. I can ....if needed to. I understand there are rules and procedures, but sometimes those should be broken. I have known much and known very little. 

I am quite okay. People often wonder about me, too. It's like I'm so damn fragile that I have to laid on satin sheets and feathers. 

I probably should quit having those eyes... I am not sorry that I am very expressive. Again, I don't apologize to who I am. I don't apologize for being me. And if you can't accept me, then that's your right. You do whatever you want. I will always be who I am meant to be. 

I'm not a puppet. But I'm not a leader, either. I'm just me. 

It's the only way I can be. 

Reminiscing Isn't Always Bad...You Just Have To Be Careful In What You Are Thinking About

The latest feeling I have had to experience today was hope. I felt hope and it made me feel happy. The job I have now... sometimes, it's hard not to ask "are you okay" because most of the people I talk to on a daily basis live with a disease that there is no cure for, and no, I'm not talking about the "c" word. 

It's called MS or multiple sclerosis. There's different types (I bet you didn't know that!) ... there's relapsing, remitting, remitting persistent, etc ... and the drugs that are out there to help people cope with their disease can sometimes make it harder for day-to-day living. 

But it is amazing how one individual or a group of individuals in an organization can make such a difference. Most people think that pharmaceutical companies are just out there for the money; and yes, I can see how that argument would go, but I can also see how it is from the other side... some people actually do want to help. It's not all about the money, but in the grand scheme of things, it is all about the lives that are helped. 

Imagine one person being able to help; now imagine an entire organization who not only makes the products but also provide the assistance to the public. 

As for why I've titled this post the above sentence (err... fragment, whatevs) ... I just feel as if I'm only moving for the sake of moving. I had motivation once upon a time. I really did. Nowadays, it's the same ole thing. And I do love my job. I love where I am. I love what I'm doing. It's just that olde feeling again.... the feeling that I should be doing more. And I know I deserve more, but should I also be doing more? I don't know. 

I have a new group of friends I hang out with and see, and it's great and all. Learning new things are always a plus, but that annoying feeling - that I should be doing more in my life ... it has stuck its head out and really, I wish it hadn't. 

/shrugs 

Never in my wildest dreams would I have seen myself where I am now. And to be quite honest, I don't know how to feel about that. Hmmm. 

Summer Lingers in August while September Sweetly Whispers to Ears, "Autumn is Right Around the Corner"

It's been one interesting roller-coaster of emotions, but if you know me at all in RL, then you know that isn't any breaking news. (Wow, I've started this entry with a bunch of cliche sounding phrases. HA!)

So, it is August. And this summer has been one sleeper of events, unexpected outbursts, and overall happiness. I have traded in my 2008 Chevy Cobalt for a 2007 Sahara Jeep Wrangler Unlimited (insert enthusiastic smile right here) ... oh yea. My car Sam is no match to my trail-ready Dean. (bonus points to whomever can guess why I named my vehicles those names, but just like Who's Line Is It Anyways. the points do not matter. Teeheehee)

Have I said that I love my job? I bet I did, but I'm going to say it again: I LOVE MY JOB. Some days, it can be stressful, but I would not trade it for anything. My co-workers, the work environment, the guarantee of a raise each year... can't really complain. Well, I can, but it's not the job's fault; it's the people ...err the patients and maybe some coworkers of mine located in a different site. Yet, even the patients themselves can bring an otherwise mundane Monday and make into something special. I don't exactly know how to describe it, but yea. That's how I feel and I'm sticking to it.

I did do something this past Sunday that I never thought I would do, and what I did was accompany a coworker to see a psychic. And yes, I had a reading done, too. And it wasn't anything earth-shattering, but I am quite surprised that she knew that much about me. And I guess I will find out if what she said will be true; she gave me a date of sorts so we shall see. (She also gave me a timeline of sorts ---about a next step in regards to my relationship status so that's the second half of which we shall see, too)

We shall see indeed. My coworker and I ---well she's a friend now I suppose so let me rewrite that: my friend and I agreed that we will see the same psychic next year, around the same time frame we did this year.

I find that I'm susceptible to people's emotions so on a daily basis my mood is never stable. However, I've learned how to control it. Kinda. Who knows.

It'll be Winter Soon Enough

I figured I should write since it has been about six months since I've last updated ...let's see: I love my job.I love what I do. I make a difference in someone's life every day, and it feels like I've fallen into my niche. Some things have changed -again- but that's how my life is. Full of surprises and they aren't always the best. 

In about five months or so, I will be closing the chapter known as my 20s. Tragic, right? Not really. I consider my 20s as the Learning Years. Because I have learned a lot. I got my heart broken, then stitched right back up only to get broken again. Growing pains. Gotta love 'em. Or hate 'em. I'm impartial. I remember falling in love with a group of people, only to not hang out with them any more. I took a temporary placement in an industry and work environment I would have never imagined myself to be in; and yet, that risk paid off and I reiterate -- I love my job. I love the environment, the people, and what we do in general for everyone... 

It has been a grand ride. Thought I found my co-conspirator, my partner, for future endeavors ... but I was wrong. Again. Oh well. That's life, right? You make choices, bad decisions, and all of that .... and you might feel as if the world is against you, but it's not. You can't stay down. There's always a window of opportunity opening somewhere after a door closes. 

I just know that I don't like the bar scene. I did. But I don't want to do that every night. Maybe once in a blue moon. I am sorta set in my ways, but I'm still open to suggestions. I know what I want and what I deserve. I shouldn't try to make something happen because that's what it should be. It should happen on its own accord. At its own pace. 

Some people are in a hurry to get that "normal" life.... and as much as I want someone or something ... sometimes it isn't meant to be. And yes, that hurts. Gotta keep moving forward. And continue. And all that. 

But that is what is up with my life. At the moment, I'm sad. Yet, I'm still smiling. Kinda.  

It's the New Year

...and this is my first post. Hello 2013! Halfway through January already. So many changes upcoming and beyond! 

The new year started with a whimper, but its building momentum. And I can't wait for everything to fall into place. I find it amusing that my last post here was quite retrospective, and this current post will be some rambling nonsense. 

:: smiles :: 

Hope everyone's year goes well.