Remember, remember the fifth of November ...

[I'm going to be incredibly random in this post because right now, I really don't know what I'm thinking, but what I'm feeling is quite intense. I'm not sure what to make of it.]

It's November, and pretty soon it'll be December. And then, it'll be the year 2012.

I don't know why, but all day today -rather yesterday since now it's 11/5- I have been feeling quite "off" ... it's been weird needless to say.


I'm not sure what to say. I had this entire post that I wanted to say, but I guess it just won't come. I don't know why I find it hard to open up. Sometimes, I'm in a conversation and I know what I want to say, but something else comes out, and it just ... I guess it hurts that I myself can trust myself to open up. It makes me wonder what else do I have buried deep within me because I'm not helping myself any. I end up hurting people I love and care for.

It seems to me that I have a pattern of self-destruction, and it has decided to resurface.

You know, if I had were still with that one guy, it would've been our ninth year anniversary this coming Sunday. And I'm not saying I want to be with him; we were totally wrong for each other. But if we were... what a milestone that would've been! Since that relationship, I haven't stayed with anyone for more than two years... I find myself floating. He was the first person I really opened up, too, and well, I'm still ... I don't know.

I wonder too many what-ifs. I just want to curl up somewhere and hide. I guess, in a way, I do that anyways. There are people in my life who want to get close, and I'm such a tease, and let them think they are getting close, but really, they aren't because I only say so much, and then, I clam up.

I'm just ... I really shouldn't be this closed up, but I find myself to be. That first cut was the deepest, and I'm uncertain if I ever recovered from that. I like to think I do, but it's just ...

I used to write all the time: all my thoughts, feelings, dreams, and hell, stories and poetry and songs, and nowadays, I just ...

I don't have my best friend from college any more. I'm not wearing the rose-colored glasses any more. I don't have the fairy tale I once dreamed. I don't have a lot in terms of quality, but nor do I have a lot of quantity. I've been quite selective with who I befriend, with who I call "friend" and everything else in-between.

I want the primary things in life: to be loved and love in return. And sometimes, it is easier to say that than to do.


I really don't know where my mind is at the moment. There's a burning within me for something, and I just can't point my finger on it. It's like I'm missing something important and it's right there in front of me and I just can't touch it.

Today was just not my day. I may need a day to myself or something, just explore. To think. To reenergize.

october is almost over ...

And you know what? Winter will be arriving soon.

So, tonight I find myself wondering why I didn't go with my boyfriend and his cousin to the haunted house. I just didn't feel like it. I miss being with my boyfriend; our work schedules just doesn't match up.

I felt like being alone, and now, I feel lonely. /shrugs

I miss my friend ... actually, I miss a few friends. But I miss her the most. We were best friends in college, and we haven't spoken for about three years now. I don't know why I miss her, but we use to be two peas in a pod.

Oh well.

Holy moley, it's October already!

It's the third day of October to be exact, and I less than three this month. You know why?

It's almost time for the World Series! [And yes, I'm a huge baseball fan :)]

I fell in love with baseball during the 1996 World Series... and with each following year, I have fallen in love with baseball more, and with one specific team: the New York Yankees.

... and this is where I'll end that because I don't want to incite a flame war on my blog.


Anyways, it's October. I have two weddings to go to this month, and they happen to be back-to-back weekends, too. I'm looking forward to them because a) I get to be with my guy for two weekends in a row :)

We hardly see each other because of different work schedules and he goes to school, too, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. But, we make it work, somehow.

This past weekend, my friends and I went apple-picking and then, in the evening, we convened again and partied like rock stars! I met a friend's alter ego when he's drunk. I tasted my best friend's cake pops, which were amazingly delicious. I spent an entire day with my guy :huge grin:


Oh! I also had a fingerprint session last Friday for a job that pays better than my current job; now, I have about a month to wait before training starts. Then, two weeks of training, and then, I find out what my schedule is going to be. I'm excited. Hopefully, the job won't be too bad.

Random tidbit: I love this season. :D