Undisclosed Truth

I use to find joy in writing. Writing was how I expressed myself.... I poured my entire being into a story. And whatever story it was that I was currently writing at the time, it became a part of me. And now I'm writing a more personal story, and this time you have no idea how scared I am.

People used to hang out with me because they thought I was someone who I wasn't .... this enjoyable person that loved to go clubbing and dancing and drinking, which really I do like that doing that stuff, but that isn't me. I splurged and treated "friends" on many occasion, but I got tired of it and the more I showed who I am inside, the more people couldn't believe that was me. But yes, I'm not that person, and as much as I wanted to be that carefree individual, I'm not.

For those who know me, I'm very private which is the opposite of my alter-ego. I loved the attention, not gonna lie. I did enjoy, but I'm not the social butterfly everyone thought I was...

I was someone like that before, but that isn't me. I'm shy, but I do get out of my shell more often than I like. And this new path in my life is one of the hardest ones I will ever have traveled. Harder than the path it took me to find out who my birth parents are.

I want to say I'm doing it alone, but I'm not alone. I have a stable foundation. It's rocky because I keep pushing people away. That's me on the defense... and I appreciate each and every one of them very much. They are my foundation, my rock.

And I don't know how to thank them. I don't know how to show it. Aside from saying 'thank you,' but they deserve more than that...

I love them. And love is scary, too. I have been hurt way too many times. So I push ... me on the defensive. But the people who I have it my life now. They see me struggle and in pain, but they don't leave me. They keep me going. Every time I'm negative, someone has a positive thing to say. Or do.

Honestly, I have no idea how I'm supposed to do this ...  it's painful. And I have no idea how to put myself together. Or how to keep going. Nights are the hardest; it's when the tears sneak up and I can't hold them any longer.

I'm not sure how to cope. All I can do is not give up and keep going. Think positively. Keep smiling and fake it until it becomes reality.

... I am overwhelmed.

September Flew Right By...

And it is now October.

So, news: I have been recently diagnosed by cancer. And thus, begins my new journey ... onto a path I never thought I would need to be on ever in my life.

Needless to say, I'm overwhelmed. Very much so. And honestly, I don't know how to even begin to take it all in. I really don't.

I smile because it's a lot easier to do. It's easier to pretend everything is okay than having to explain. A lot easier to just take it one day at a time. Never thought I would be here, though.

Never would have imagined it in a million years.

I get it why I keep being told that I'm too young to have this.... I get it. Because most women get diagnosed later in their years. And you know what? Ovarian cancer is the fifth deadliest cancer for women. It is a silent killer.

There is no way to detect it earlier, but there are symptoms that every women should be aware of:

• Bloating
• Pelvic or abdominal pain
• Trouble eating or feeling full quickly
• Feeling the need to urinate urgently or often

Other symptoms of ovarian cancer can include:

• Fatigue
• Upset stomach or heartburn
• Back pain
• Pain during sex
• Constipation 
• Menstrual changes

[http://www.ovarian.org/detection.php]

If you exhibit any or all of those symptoms, please Take Early Action and Live. According to whyteal.org, "this year, more than 22,000 women will be newly diagnosed." That's about 1 in 71 women. And it so happened to be me being 1 ....

Please take care. I doubt I will be here as much. Maybe I'll turn this into a journal of sorts ... I used to write as an outlet for everything... nowadays, it's just ... painful.

I have been very lucky to have met the people I've met in my life. They help shape me into who I am today. I have been hurt, been forgotten by so-called friends, and even called names. And I have forgiven them all. I don't need people like that in my life. I am doing fine on my own... kind of. I'm still here. Living it day by day.

Maybe I'll write a more poignant, emotional post later on. I do have an appointment -a follow up- on October 28. I would ask for luck, but it is a wee bit past time for that.

An Open Letter to the World

It's almost September. This year has gone by very fast, and it seems that everyone has an opinion or something to say who I am. Thanks, but if you don't know who I am, please don't criticize me. You have the right to have an opinion, but this doesn't mean your opinion is right. 

I get why people think I'm off or weird. Because I am. I am wired differently from most people. I don't care how I look on a given day, but since I do have to appear as if I care, then I project that image. When I'm doing something, it is because I want to do that something. It isn't because it has been told to me that it is good for me or have been brought to my attention via suggestion. The reason I do things are my reasons. I don't belong to anyone. I'm adopted... and that very phrase means so much to me more than you can know. I am not shaped by unfortunate circumstance, but I could have been very well be. The family that adopted me ... rather, the women who have to care for me and have helped shaped me into who I am.... not only am I shaped by them, I'm shaped by my peers, colleagues... society as a whole and the environment that brought me up shaped me to who I am today. 

The person I am right now is still growing. Individually finding the shoes that fit. Spearheaded by my stubbornness and my childlike attitude, there is a mature individual here. I might be confused most of the times, but I have always landed on my feet. I seek the truth and you know, it might actually scare me into obedience, but I doubt it very much. 

I don't like to conform, and when I do, it's because I can. I can ....if needed to. I understand there are rules and procedures, but sometimes those should be broken. I have known much and known very little. 

I am quite okay. People often wonder about me, too. It's like I'm so damn fragile that I have to laid on satin sheets and feathers. 

I probably should quit having those eyes... I am not sorry that I am very expressive. Again, I don't apologize to who I am. I don't apologize for being me. And if you can't accept me, then that's your right. You do whatever you want. I will always be who I am meant to be. 

I'm not a puppet. But I'm not a leader, either. I'm just me. 

It's the only way I can be.