Coldplay's Scientist

ignorance is bliss

Or so I've heard, and sometimes, yes, being ignorant and not knowing sounds like a fine recipe for disaster. With that said, I would love nothing more to be ignorant now. I know things that hurt me on a daily basis because of the fact that I know of their existence. For instance, what I have laying in the back of my head, this ticking bomb of absolute ending, which may or may not happen this year depending on its rapid, frequent growth. True, I may be covering up the pain and hurt that I feel with a smile, but smiling is the only defense I have against spiraling completely out of control, which some could say, I'm already doing.

No, I'm not okay. Dr.FastandFurious asked me that last night, and my answer was a smile. It's easier to just smile and laugh it up when the reasons lay thick on your tongue. But, no, I can't. I don't say a word because even when people say they care, sometimes that's a lie, too.

I had deactivated my Facebook. Shocker, right? No. It was either deactivate or delete certain people out of it or put those certain people on limited profile.

I caught the bouquet a few weeks ago, and the entire month of March was full of events that yea, my brain cannot compute. My heart certainly is full of emotions. My clothes barely fit; I really should get some pants that do or belts that don't break.

I need a reset. I want to not know what I have that's ticking ever so slowly, patiently waiting to go boom, and my last day may be a day that I don't even know. Actually, I don't know so each day to me is a treasure; it's a treat because I have another chance. I can honestly say I love waking up in the morning, to still be breathing.

I want it to be last September again, when I was more carefree. True, a relationship ended, and W and I went our separate ways, and I don't regret that. What I do regret is jumping so soon into the dating scene, and well, look where that landed me...

I have amazing friends in my life. My family may drive me crazy, but they are my family. Crazy fun times have been had with hopefully more to come. But with all of that, I only need one thing, and well, that's not happening any time soon.

My eyes say it all. My heart feels it all. My head just cannot understand.

thinking is one dangerous pastime

And again, I find myself wondering... when does it get better? I look around me, my room is a mess. Kinda resembles the inner workings of my own head to be quite honest. Because on the outside, what the world sees isn't me. It's a part of me. I never quite did share who I am with anyone close in my life.

I did that once, and I got burned, and that pain lingers still ... true, the past remains in the past, but it's such an awful reminder of what has happened. I want to open up, I do, and I guess the moment my guard goes down, well, things that were going so well end up going down the crapper. No, I'm not bitter. Just being realistic.

I think my biggest problem is that Dr.FastandFurious and I were never friends. With that said, lovers first then friends later usually don't turn out so well. And I'm having that dilemma now because in a way I agree: what I need from everyone is just their friendship. Relationships are simple, but for the most part, it's never the right time. And I wonder when will it be the right time?

Right now, what I need is someone to be there when I need assurance, that things will work out, someone to counter my obvious pessimism. Friends can provide that. I need someone who will go out with me and just laugh at whatever, have fun. Friends again.

There are some things friends cannot provide, though, because then the line between friendship and who-knows-what gets blurry. Open relationships are like being friends, but with feelings honestly shared. I don't want to lead anyone on, but as it is, I'm already not putting a 100% for I'm still fixated and irrevocably stuck where I am, and a part of me wishes that I never met him.

[Though, I was asked the other day if I were to choose to do whatever it is I'm doing now or just writing Dr.FastandFurious out of my life, which would I regret more: staying or going, and I didn't even hesitate. I don't want to write him out of my life, but staying where I am is destroying me. I put up this smile for everyone to see, but really, if you look into my eyes, and actually look at me, you'll see. I'm barely here.]

However, I don't do casual. I don't share me intimately unless I know I'm dating just this one person... I don't know if I'm making sense. I can't possibly start a new relationship with anyone, knowing my head and my heart are already thinking of someone else so, yes friendship is what I can only offer.

And just because I flirt doesn't mean I'm interested. I need to tone down my personality because that way, no one will get the wrong idea.

I know what I want. I know where I want to go... it's the getting there that I'm having difficulties with, and in order for me to actually "be" with someone, I have to let down my guard.

I'm just not ready to; in the grand scheme of things, I cannot. Not right now.