let's revisit last year, shall we?

After a somewhat-brief hiatus, I'm sort of back to the world of blogging. And as the title of this entry indicates, let's take a walk down memory lane.

Last year was a year of many changes... the year started out strong, wavered for awhile, went up and down like a roller-coaster, and ended on a hopeful note.

I thought of writing this long entry about things I've found out and still trying to decipher through, and now, I'm not sure if I want to because most of what was discovered is a bit of a painful wound to me. I'm not exactly certain what I should do about it. It's like a puzzle of which I know for a fact that I don't have all the pieces to, yet.

My past remains shrouded in mystery and for now, my curiosity's appetite has been curbed. So, in the very least, the dragon lays undisturbed and asleep... until the next influx of explorers decide to uncover more answers by using their arrows and swords of which are fortified with questions. I'll find out one way or the other the knowledge I see from the sleeping dragon.

Aside from my past, everything sort of remained the same: I gained new friendships, lost a few friends, have had some friends become more like acquaintances, and have been in the most rewarding relationship I've had in my adult life. B and I, we're not the most compatible couple, but somehow, we make it work.

And with these friendships growing and dying, I've learned more about myself, and I know that I'm loner by choice. I like being social, and can be a butterfly, but let's face it: I'm a loner. I like my corner, and yes, it can be lonely. Yet, I'm more an observer. I'm not much for the spotlight. And last year, that spotlight was on me far more than it has ever been in my life.

I've changed - a lot- last year, and I'm not sure if I'm happy with the changes or not, but I do know that I miss some people, and others of whom I've gotten closer to without meaning to, well, that was a surprise- the best kind of surprise. It shows that even mere strangers can be the best of pals. It's a comforting thought nonetheless.

I guess that's life. And the start of this year has been fascinating.


I can't wait to see what else this year has in store for me.

remembering

Today is Nanay's death anniversary. My aunt Lourdes, better known as Nanay, passed away in September 22, 2004.

She had breast cancer, but beat it. However, it had spread to her lungs before any of her doctors could find it.


I remember going along with her to her treatments, being surrounded by death in that building. It's not a memory I'd like to remember because I accompanied her a lot on those visits.

And I just can't believe it has been this long...

That day will always be engraved in my head. I received the call while I was just getting out of my class... it was one of many classes that I took with Professor Garrity. And I remember collapsing in the doorway when I finally listened to the voicemail that was left to me, telling me that she had passed away.


I still get tears in my eyes.

...we miss you. I miss you, Nanay. I hope that wherever you are, you are doing okay. We wish that you were still with us.

where do you see yourself in five years?

In all of my interviews, I have been asked that question. And my answer? Well, it has always been the same; however, I'm finding that perhaps that's not the right path for me at all.

Look at me: I have a degree that I have yet to use, and in a job where I enjoy my co-workers company, and don't mind the work, but I don't love it. I don't love my job. I like it... but it feels like a "for now" type scenario, and not a career.

And that's what I eventually want, right? Actually, I don't know. For me, after being out in the workforce for a few years now, I don't know exactly what I want to be. I find myself toying with several different ideas, and all the different ideas lead to me my wanting to help people... but I don't know how to do without losing myself in the routine-ness of the job.

Does that even make sense? I used to dream of being a writer, a best-selling novelist, and lately, my dreams have been as confusing as my life. Nothing makes sense.

My skills set is pretty diverse. I don't really have a strong point in any of them... I just don't know. And the reason why I'm writing this entry right now is because I had recently gotten off the phone with a potential employer, and that job is nowhere near my skills set right now. If I get hired, it would be a new skills set that I'll be learning... something new to add to my already quite diverse resume.

I had a direction at one point in my life... I don't know why I'm still stuck. Guess I'm a perpetual learner of new things.

But my answer before to that question was hopefully out of law school, possibly engaged to be married, and perhaps a lot closer to finding an editor and publisher for my written work. Though, to be quite honest, I don't know if I even have that spark any more.

I miss being on stage, in theatre and learning lines and songs if it's a musical. I miss knowing or at least I thought I knew what I wanted to be ... I miss the self-confidence. The "I can do anything" attitude.

Right now? I'm not quite content, but I'm not unhappy, either.

It just feels as if I'm stuck... and I don't like that feeling.

I just want to keep going, but I don't even know if I'm heading in the right direction. I feel lost, and the last time I was lost... well, I made it out of that somewhat intact.

Who knows where I'll be in five years. Who knows where the world will be then... who knows indeed.

a little bit introspective - a reflection

Piano Duel [from Jay Chou's The Secret, part 2 of 11)

Ever since I can remember, I've had this fascination with music... always singing, and at times, off-key, and always dancing without even realizing it. I got better, though, in curbing my fascination with music, and now, I have a constant playlist playing in my head. But, sometimes, it slips out... whistling under my breath one moment, and the next, humming, which, in turn, becomes a song blossoming in my heart -- and sometimes, it escapes my mouth. Kinda embarrassing when it happens, though, especially at a crowded airport [I've done this twice now. Thankfully, I sang on-key and received applause :)].

Anyways... I've always had a fascination with music. I guess you could say that I've had the same fascination with the written word, which is why I majored in English Creative-Writing in college. I love reading and writing. I don't really like writing papers or doing research, but I'll do it. I much prefer writing poetry, short stories... I loved to write. And nowadays, I barely write :( I just haven't found the inspiration to write any more. I've even lost the motivation to be keep working on my written stuff, too. /shrugs

It seems to me that back then, when I was down/depressed/just didn't have good luck, I wrote better. You could say that my writings are somewhat tied to my emotions, and these days, I keep a tight hold on mine. I wrote to release all of that, and now, I don't even let myself... I used to write frequently in my Xanga blog, but again, just don't have the inspiration to do so of late.

With all of that said, I have reread some of my stories and journal entries, and I've realized that I've changed, possibly grown, but I still retain that reckless me, and I've hurt some people in my life unintentionally. I've let down some people, too. And I've met some new people who brings a little more sunshine to my life, and I'm very grateful for that.

Even though I'm going through a rough patch in my life right now, I know that I have people in my life that I can count on to help me keep going ...

it's been one, hot summer

Of all the years I can remember being in Indiana, this year has to be the HOTTEST year ever.

But, it's been a jam-packed summer! I went to the Indianapolis 500 for the first time, and that was a lot of beer imbibed. Vacationed in Virginia for a bit. Went to Evansville for 4th of July weekend and met a couple of his fraternity brothers. Went to my boyfriend's family reunion the weekend after 4th of July, and well, met his entire family :) Went to my first country concert -- Tim McGraw, Luke Bryan, and the Band Perry. Won tickets to a free Live Nation concert [Mayhem festival], which I cannot go because I'm headed out of town for a wedding the same weekend.

And this upcoming weekend, I'm going to my third wedding this year. Here's hoping I don't catch the bouquet in this one, too. At my friend's wedding in June, I had actually caught the bouquet, but I let it go and my friend's cousin got it. I've caught it once already this year (the wedding I went to in April, caught it there), and I really don't need to catch it any more - though, after this wedding, there's three more to go. My boyfriend's frat brothers are getting married left and right... all of them in October.

Job-hunting ... well, it goes.

My headaches have been less frequent (thank God), but yea... realizations come and go, but mine stay. They always stay. But you know what? Live, laugh, and love.

I'm feeling more like myself these days, but I'm not the same.

new perspective

There are some things in life that I guess I will never have, and usually, I'm okay with that. But, these days I find it hard to remain positive and upbeat, and I don't like it. 

I'm slowly becoming apathetic, losing my once effervescent, energetic self to whatever I am now. 

I find myself floating amongst my friends. I don't feel grounded, and I have become less attached. 

There are days I leave my cell on vibrate, and at times, find myself choosing who to respond to when I receive a text. And most calls go straight to voicemail. 

I find myself revisiting moments that have occurred, and reminiscing memories... but just this once, I'd like to have what I want. Is that too much to ask? 

I have this need to cry and I'm afraid I'm actually going to, and my once stoic, aloof me ... well, she hasn't been around for quite some time. I'm emotional. I can't help it, but think. And thinking just gets me sad. 

Realizations aren't hard to come by for me any more. I get them more and more every day, but it makes me sad. I don't like being sad. 

And tears? I cry more inside than I let show. There's more to me than what the eye can see.  

on the floor

... lately, I feel very disconnected. To everyone. Not just my family, but also my friends. At first, I thought it was because I was gone for a couple of weeks. But, I think it's more than that.. and I really don't know.

I'm trying to feel as if everything is okay. I dislike how I'm putting up a front that I am okay. But, I guess to me it makes sense... I don't want to cause any worries.


/shrugs

I don't really have someone I can talk to, I mean I do but I don't. Everyone has their own thing going on. And I want to be there for them.

I just can't help but think, that someday -sooner than later, which is out of my control- that I won't be. But, I made a promise to myself: to not think about that. To just live. Each, single day. I don't want to be depressed. A smile will be on this face. No point in getting sad.

Just gotta keep chugging.

i get a little bit stronger ...

I find myself writing more these days. Maybe it's because I have more to say, or perhaps I have more thoughts in my mind. I'm not really sure, but I've always been able to write down my thoughts, and somehow, I feel better.

These days, though, it's a mix of feeling better and feeling worse, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. The past few days I've discovered more things about my family and my past ... and though it hasn't answered my questions about my biological parents, I find that instead of feeling calm, I feel more in turmoil and I don't like the feeling.

I try to put it aside, but I can't help it. It's weird. I feel ... strangely disconnected. And I know I'm not prone to depression, but I feel myself slipping in that direction. I know that I have cried more than I ever have this year than I ever have, but I've had some important people in my life taken away by a natural disaster, and disease. I cannot help that I could have been there for them somehow, but I don't know how I could have helped, either.

As for my past, I've been wondering about my birth mother and father since I first discovered I'm adopted. It's one of those catch-22s I guess because I never really thought about it, until puberty hit and more so now because I don't have my father to walk me down the aisle whenever I get married... the woman who raised me, mother, she and I aren't close, but I am truly grateful for everything she's done for me. It's just ...

Too much thinking done, and I miss home. I miss being in his arms where I feel safe and wanted. I don't want to say the "l" word, but yea... I miss my friends. I miss home. This family has raised me... not just mother or my nanny, but everyone, and yes, I am thankful for everything each of them has done for me, but I feel more at home when I'm with friends... and I feel at home when I'm with him. Didn't even feel that way with Dr.FastandFurious or W.

For all I know, though, it could just be because we're still in the honeymoon phase of our relationship... I don't know. Who knows.

I'm a jumble of thoughts and emotions, and I feel lost. I want to find my way out of this, and I just don't know if I could do it on my own.

... Craig David's song "Unbelievable" comes to mind... maybe it is unbelievable. /shrugs

a little cleaning up was necessary

I deleted some entries and I might delete an entire month full of posts to be quite honest...

I started this year full of beginnings, and some of those beginnings had unforeseeable endings, but I'm still here, going strong and getting better.

I have a pocket full of hopeful dreams, and a smile that has yet to leave my face. Though, yes I have been doing a lot of pretending lately, and those who are close to me know why. Anyways, enough about that.


So, July looms rather quickly, and I have more weddings to go to with B *smiles* Personally, I like weddings; I just hope the bouquet doesn't get tossed towards me again. Or land near or on my feet. I do wonder when my wedding will happen, and I assure you, it'll happen... I just don't know when.

I want to get settled down... have a steady job that hopefully I don't hate, and a place that I can call home... perhaps someone to come home to...

I have had so many dreams of late that I can hardly wait for any of them to come true.

Does it make me a greedy person if I want it all? A career, a man I love... I want it all. But, most people put one before the other in importance whereas I want both and equally find both love and career important, and I strive for both, which really could be my downfall but it could also been seen as one of my strengths.

Right now, I'm missing home... and counting down the days until I go back.

oh, the things i learn

I learned some more things about my past today... and I'm not sure how to feel about it, but I know one thing for sure that I have more respect for mother.

And oh, that I'm more like her, even though we aren't blood, than I ever knew.

Meeting the family

Meeting the family ... always scary, right? Well, my cousin, whom I'm visiting, brought it up that she -as well as the rest of the family- would absolutely love to meet B.

Tentative meeting place is at Journey on 96th St... a joint celebration of two birthdays and a wedding anniversary.

Ever seen the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Well, that's my family except we're Filipinos.

Personally, I'm scared... I don't know if B is ready to meet everyone -and when I say "everyone" it is more or less the immediate, extended family- but my cousin has given out the invite to me to give to B.

I'm not sure if B can go since he has one of his brothers with him still that weekend so if it's a late lunch, it is a maybe, but if it is dinner, it may just work out. Who knows. I don't know.

But, I for one, am scared for him to meet everyone because well, I just ... I really, really want everyone to like him.

I think it's just that I'm more or less nervous about him meeting everyone. My family's dynamics are weird at best. Don't really have a word for it... We have this "we're put together" front to the public, but no, we really aren't. I guess everyone has their own problems, you know. My family, though, ... I don't know. I'm not close to most of them, but maybe a handful, well, less than a handful. Can't really be too close to people who will hurt you; though, for the most part, its unintentional. I have a lot of relatives who lack tact. And I'm sensitive.

I know that when B meets the family, especially mother, that I will have to be at my best behavior... my family has this amazing ability to make me feel very insecure about myself. It is a constant battle I hope to win ... being at war with my family is something I've dealt with my entire life. I haven't won many battles, but the few victories have been worth it.

Anyways, I have digressed a bit...

I feel as if slowly but surely I'm opening up... and that itself is scary. /shrugs

I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, even if it's heavily-guarded.

lightning strikes when it wants to

So, how is everyone doing? I haven't been regularly posting as I used to, but what can you do? These days, I have more to say, but I find myself at a loss for words...

I find myself in a new relationship with someone who is smitten with me, which works well because I fancy him back. It's just ... weird, you know? To have someone who shares the same intensity as I do, and sometimes, more than I do, but he's better at hiding it than I am.

The relationship is pretty new, practically at that "honeymoon" stage, but personally-speaking, I'm hoping for a great outcome.

I know how I am, though. When I fall, I fall hard... and it's getting harder trying to not to get attached, and I know very well that I am getting there. Slowing down ... I'm trying to put the brakes, and he's not pressuring me, either, but a part of me feels as if it's too soon to be feeling the way that I do, but lightning strikes wherever and whenever it wants to, and to say the least, I think I've been struck.

B makes me want to stay and leave at the same time... well, not him exactly but more or less, it's me being afraid of getting hurt. But, I'm trying. I'm trying and sometimes, my guard goes down on its own. My walls are crumbling slowly; the door to my heart isn't unbreakable... it's accessible, but I don't know if I want to give the key so easily... though, let's be honest here: I think I've already done that.

Knowing the difference between what's real and what's not is tricky. I was pretty certain that I was in love with Dr.FastandFurious, which in retrospect, I think I was but it definitely isn't the same feeling that I'm feeling for B... and I thought I was in love with W, and I was but again, the depth of feeling isn't the same as how I feel for B.

W had commitment issues, and Dr.FastandFurious put his education and career first. Me? I want it all: I want the love of a lifetime within my arms [or me in his arms] while we both strive for our career goals... while we work together in learning more about each other, sharing doubts, losses, and victories ... just me and him against the world.

B is different from both W and Dr.FastandFurious... and me with my usual self had no idea that he was interested in me. I was oblivious to it, but one Friday night changed all of that. And here we are ...

I'm not where I am normally; currently visiting cousins in another State, and I miss B. Like a lot. Probably more than I should, but I do. This island born/city girl is smitten with a certain country boy :) He doesn't likes to be called a teddy bear, but he's my teddy bear, my B.

Ha. I sound like a romantic, and perhaps I am, but I've never been a hopeless romantic. I like to think of myself as a hopeful one.

I'm not much of a planner, but I do like to be prepared for whatever else Life is going to throw at me. I have so much I want to do and experience, and so very little time to do it all.

I guess I should just sit back and enjoy the ride... or something akin to that. Anyways... Summer is here! Hot, sweaty days with cool, breezy nights.

so, a plus and a negative equals what exactly?

Today, no... retract that. The past few days have been a mixture of good and bad news. It's like whenever I received good news, I would also get bad news. It's as if there is a constant yang to whatever yin presenting itself to me. 

And I don't get it. Why can't I just get good news? Why does it have to be paired up with bad? Like always. 

I can't function like this... I could and have been trying, but whenever I feel as if I'm finally getting things to go up, something cancels it out by being a downer. A constant smack to reality is what I'm beginning to call it. 

I get that my life is constantly changing, that there is always some kind of progress going on. I get that, really I do, but what I don't get is how there's always some kind of chaos. When will I get the stability I crave?

The one thing stable in my life -not counting important people and essentials- would be my constant headache that will always become a migraine, and will always feel as if it'll bring me down to my knees, praying to someone who may not even exist. 

My faith has always been this force in my life... I do believe, but as I grow older, I find myself questioning and not believing as readily as I used to. I don't know how to solidify that once-strong foundation on faith because it has let me down so many times. Though, I always say I believe in God because I do, but there is this seed within me that grows ever taller, and I can't shake it. So, I question... my reasoning skills have become sharper whereas my faith has began to shrink.

And I feel as if it's continuing in that path, but I don't want it to, so I begin to fight myself. I feel as if I'm at war not only with myself, but with other opposing factors. /sighs 

So, is it really greedy of me to want to have more good news? 

I like to think I'm a pretty positive person, but even I, gets down on more than one occasion. I'm human, after all. I'm not SuperWoman, nor would I like to be. I just want to be me. 

I tell my closest friends that I am okay, because I don't want to worry them. Same goes for my family. I've gotten pretty good at lying. My smile even comes out genuinely! But, it's getting harder each day to pretend that I'm okay. 

The walls I built around me ... I don't want to keep everyone out, but there are those who should just stay around the perimeter. Why? Well, because I know that once those walls come down that I stand a 100% chance of getting hurt again, and I don't want to get hurt ever again. I just don't. But, even as I type this, I know that I've already opened the gate to someone... a few to be exact hold a key to who I really am, and so far, it's been -for the lack of a better word- okay. 

I just ... don't want to hurt anyone when I go. And I know that's hard to do. Why is it that when we get close to others that even with our best intentions, we end up hurting them anyways?

the month of awesome has arrived

It's finally June!




We're halfway done with 2011... and what a year it has been. Mine has been filled with sadness, but I have amazing friends who won't let me sink into depression, and I have family members who keep me going so it's all good. 2011 might just be my year [though, I've said that to myself the past few years, but haven't really declared it out loud.]

Smiling and keeping busy are two of what I've been doing lately. I can't help, but smile! I love life, and every day, there's something different and beautiful that always brings a smile to my face.

So... the year is halfway done, and then, it'll be 2012! How time flies.... so, soak up the sun's rays while its Summer, lay back, and enjoy :) Eat, drink, and be merry.

holy stupidity batman!

It's rapture day? ... um, yea, whatever.

Anyways, the month of June -the month of awesome- approaches. Like soon. As in after this week, it's JUNE! Lots of birthdays and general goings on-ness [quite certain that isn't a word, but it is now].

So, the last month has been filled with eye-opening changes and scandalous developments ... to be quite honest, I still care for Dr.FastandFurious but I'm doing exactly what he wants me to do, and I'm moving on. It feels nice. And crazy at the same time because of the speed of the current relationship, but it doesn't feel wrong, though, so I'm enjoying the ride. The hows and whys of how I'm still here boggles me, but again, not questioning it.

I love life. Love living each day more and more, and I end up wishing for more time. /sighs

Who knows where I'll be in the next few months. Right now, I'm enjoying the view and the journey to whatever destination I'm headed has been quite fun.

searching ...

Most days, I feel as if I'm searching for something that I wasn't even aware of that I've lost, and it makes no sense to me because I didn't know I had lost something to begin with. Granted, I have lost quite too many loved ones this year and it's only in its fifth month. And I have opened myself up to others while I have closed the connection to some... and some days, I just want to go. Where I'm going is a complete surprise because I don't know where I would go, but I just want to go. And leave. Just be somewhere else than here. 


I'm tired of "here" ... and I don't know, but every year, I get the urge to leave. To pack up and just go. To have this insane idea of selling everything I own and leave for somewhere else. I feel like I don't really belong anyways. I feel as if I'm always on the outskirts of something, and where I'm supposed to be is anywhere else, but here. 


I feel incredibly lost. Thankfully, I'm a great pretender. I pretend things are okay when really they aren't. But I pretend anyways. I pretend because it's easier to smile than having to explain why I'm sad. 


Is it bad that I just want to go? Is it bad that I want to in the next chapter of my life already? Is it bad that I want to be left alone to my thoughts most days even though I know it is more dangerous than it is safe? Is it bad that I want to push everyone away because damn it, my guards weren't supposed to be down and I don't want to expose myself any longer... it's like I'm at war with myself. 


Then again, I've been at war with myself for the longest time. And there has been no sign of a ceasefire happening any time soon. 


/sighs

such an amazing actress i am

I've been on auto-pilot the past few weeks ever since I got the bad news, and the thing is, I don't really show it because well, that's just me. And I keep getting asked if I am okay, and I just smile and nod that I am, when really I am not because again, I don't want to let down my guard because I don't want to get hurt, right? But, it came to me that if I were to continue this thread of distancing myself from everyone, eventually someone is going to notice and call me out on it.... thankfully it hasn't happened, yet, but I have a feeling it will. And with how my luck is going lately, I'm probably going to lose another person or two or several this year because it seems every year, someone else closer to me bites the dust because of cancer or some other lame disease, or a natural disaster takes them away, or hell, they decided to be selfish and commit suicide, and really I don't mind doing that myself because I just don't want to care any more, but I don't because I can't, and a lot of people would be mad at me if I were to do that so I don't and aside from all the chaos that is raining down on me, I still get up in the morning, and very grateful that I am breathing. 

Is it too much to ask to just be nowadays? I feel as if I'm running low and quite frankly, I'm operating on fumes. I don't know how others do this on a daily basis. I have a big family because the extended also talks to the main branch, which is weird considering how so much backstabbing goes on and gossiping, too, so it's weird. 

I haven't really cried... I've lost too much this year, and I have no idea when the luck will change for the better. Though, if you were to take a look at me at this moment, the pain is all there to see. Just one gaze into my eyes... I have big bags under my eyes. I don't want to tell anyone how I feel, or open up but I find myself being coerce to, because a lot of people care, which I don't quite understand but okay. I appreciate it. 

Today is my cousin's viewing, and tomorrow, there's a mass for her at 10am followed by the funeral. She was only 44 years old. She wasn't that older than me, and she had so much life within her that it's so unfair. She was always smiling even though she herself may not be feeling well. 

I find myself doing the same... smiling even though I don't feel it. But I do it anyways for everyone else. Because I don't know what to say when I'm asked if I'm okay so I smile in response or infuse some real sincerity in my voice when I say I'm okay or I'm fine when I'm not. 

However, I do know that I'm a mess. I don't know how to get out of this, either. I want to know if things will get better, and if there will be a cure some day for cancer, and if I'm going to lose any more people in my life this year because I don't know if I could handle that. I have been treading water for so long that my legs are tired, and I just want to succumb, but I don't know why I'm still here. 

I really don't know any more... 

I guess the whole losing weight is kinda cool lol. I feel smaller every day, and yes, I do eat, but not enough I guess. Just enough to get by to be honest. I suppress the urge to regurgitate more often than not, though. 

//shrugs

You will be missed...

My cousin died today. Last year, Tita Madre died today, and today is her first death anniversary.

I think the ugliest word is cancer. And it has taken away too many of my loved ones.

I'm usually resilient, but I'm already feeling as if I'm drowning. I keep telling myself to keep going, and even though I cannot help myself, I can be there for my family.

Tita Cathy, I miss you. 

One more month...

It's almost the month of June, the month of "awesome" approaches!

Not much else to say... too many things have happened, and well, sometimes I feel as if I'm drowning on land. My friends keep me afloat, and I really appreciate that. I have no idea how else I would have survived without my friends.

DrFastandFurious is ... well, he is himself. And I'm still me. /sighs but you know what? I am trying... not sure where I'm going exactly, but I am enjoying the journey.

Saw Fast Five!!!! It was so amazing, and I want to see it at least a few more times. :)

And Thor comes out soon; gonna be seeing that soon.

I do hope this May will be less painful; I'm having such a bad year, and it's only the fifth month. Thanfully, I'm a survivor. At least, I like to think I am.

some me time was in order

Today was a day that I didn't have to go into work as the new project that I'm currently signed up for starts on Tuesday, and Sunday night was filled with movies!!! MOVIES. This movie addiction that I have acquired from Dr.FastandFurious. 


Anyways, I watched the Amityville Horror, the remake ... and no me gusta scary movies. No thanks. Then, watched the Other Guys, which was hilarious! Watched some Scrubs episodes, The Last Kiss, and ended it with Ghost, but didn't finish because I fell asleep. 

And this glorious off day on a Monday ... all I did was clean up the room, start laundry, download songs on iTunes, and sleep. Until now, because I was awaken and reminded by my ticking bomb that hey, just coz you're having fun doesn't mean you get to forget me /sighs ha. As if I could ever forget its presence.


So...
 
I love watching movies and cuddling on a couch. The best part, for me, was that it was a good guy friend who had no interest in getting into my pants. Because that is the last thing I need right now. All I want from everyone is friendship. I cannot afford to get into anything else at the moment, even though I would not mind getting involved with someone at the moment. I just can't do it. I shouldn't do it because I haven't moved on and without my permission, my heart has decided it wants to wait for DrFastandFurious, and I have no idea if I'm waiting in vain or not. Guess I'll know a year from now...


The dreams of mine are going to drive me crazy.... I guess my subconscious really wants me to get married and have children. Or its my internal clock speaking. I don't know. For me, it is something that I want to happen, but not any time soon. Friendship is what I'm concentrating on.

To be honest, I wouldn't mind disappearing. To just be gone, and maybe forgotten. I don't know... to not be here any longer. 


The last few weeks, I've been feeling like this. As if I should just pack up and go. I'm not sure where I'm going, but I'm certain I wouldn't mind being just gone. I might be missed. Who knows... maybe no one will notice that I'm no longer around.