searching ...

Most days, I feel as if I'm searching for something that I wasn't even aware of that I've lost, and it makes no sense to me because I didn't know I had lost something to begin with. Granted, I have lost quite too many loved ones this year and it's only in its fifth month. And I have opened myself up to others while I have closed the connection to some... and some days, I just want to go. Where I'm going is a complete surprise because I don't know where I would go, but I just want to go. And leave. Just be somewhere else than here. 


I'm tired of "here" ... and I don't know, but every year, I get the urge to leave. To pack up and just go. To have this insane idea of selling everything I own and leave for somewhere else. I feel like I don't really belong anyways. I feel as if I'm always on the outskirts of something, and where I'm supposed to be is anywhere else, but here. 


I feel incredibly lost. Thankfully, I'm a great pretender. I pretend things are okay when really they aren't. But I pretend anyways. I pretend because it's easier to smile than having to explain why I'm sad. 


Is it bad that I just want to go? Is it bad that I want to in the next chapter of my life already? Is it bad that I want to be left alone to my thoughts most days even though I know it is more dangerous than it is safe? Is it bad that I want to push everyone away because damn it, my guards weren't supposed to be down and I don't want to expose myself any longer... it's like I'm at war with myself. 


Then again, I've been at war with myself for the longest time. And there has been no sign of a ceasefire happening any time soon. 


/sighs