remembering

Today is Nanay's death anniversary. My aunt Lourdes, better known as Nanay, passed away in September 22, 2004.

She had breast cancer, but beat it. However, it had spread to her lungs before any of her doctors could find it.


I remember going along with her to her treatments, being surrounded by death in that building. It's not a memory I'd like to remember because I accompanied her a lot on those visits.

And I just can't believe it has been this long...

That day will always be engraved in my head. I received the call while I was just getting out of my class... it was one of many classes that I took with Professor Garrity. And I remember collapsing in the doorway when I finally listened to the voicemail that was left to me, telling me that she had passed away.


I still get tears in my eyes.

...we miss you. I miss you, Nanay. I hope that wherever you are, you are doing okay. We wish that you were still with us.

so, a plus and a negative equals what exactly?

Today, no... retract that. The past few days have been a mixture of good and bad news. It's like whenever I received good news, I would also get bad news. It's as if there is a constant yang to whatever yin presenting itself to me. 

And I don't get it. Why can't I just get good news? Why does it have to be paired up with bad? Like always. 

I can't function like this... I could and have been trying, but whenever I feel as if I'm finally getting things to go up, something cancels it out by being a downer. A constant smack to reality is what I'm beginning to call it. 

I get that my life is constantly changing, that there is always some kind of progress going on. I get that, really I do, but what I don't get is how there's always some kind of chaos. When will I get the stability I crave?

The one thing stable in my life -not counting important people and essentials- would be my constant headache that will always become a migraine, and will always feel as if it'll bring me down to my knees, praying to someone who may not even exist. 

My faith has always been this force in my life... I do believe, but as I grow older, I find myself questioning and not believing as readily as I used to. I don't know how to solidify that once-strong foundation on faith because it has let me down so many times. Though, I always say I believe in God because I do, but there is this seed within me that grows ever taller, and I can't shake it. So, I question... my reasoning skills have become sharper whereas my faith has began to shrink.

And I feel as if it's continuing in that path, but I don't want it to, so I begin to fight myself. I feel as if I'm at war not only with myself, but with other opposing factors. /sighs 

So, is it really greedy of me to want to have more good news? 

I like to think I'm a pretty positive person, but even I, gets down on more than one occasion. I'm human, after all. I'm not SuperWoman, nor would I like to be. I just want to be me. 

I tell my closest friends that I am okay, because I don't want to worry them. Same goes for my family. I've gotten pretty good at lying. My smile even comes out genuinely! But, it's getting harder each day to pretend that I'm okay. 

The walls I built around me ... I don't want to keep everyone out, but there are those who should just stay around the perimeter. Why? Well, because I know that once those walls come down that I stand a 100% chance of getting hurt again, and I don't want to get hurt ever again. I just don't. But, even as I type this, I know that I've already opened the gate to someone... a few to be exact hold a key to who I really am, and so far, it's been -for the lack of a better word- okay. 

I just ... don't want to hurt anyone when I go. And I know that's hard to do. Why is it that when we get close to others that even with our best intentions, we end up hurting them anyways?

such an amazing actress i am

I've been on auto-pilot the past few weeks ever since I got the bad news, and the thing is, I don't really show it because well, that's just me. And I keep getting asked if I am okay, and I just smile and nod that I am, when really I am not because again, I don't want to let down my guard because I don't want to get hurt, right? But, it came to me that if I were to continue this thread of distancing myself from everyone, eventually someone is going to notice and call me out on it.... thankfully it hasn't happened, yet, but I have a feeling it will. And with how my luck is going lately, I'm probably going to lose another person or two or several this year because it seems every year, someone else closer to me bites the dust because of cancer or some other lame disease, or a natural disaster takes them away, or hell, they decided to be selfish and commit suicide, and really I don't mind doing that myself because I just don't want to care any more, but I don't because I can't, and a lot of people would be mad at me if I were to do that so I don't and aside from all the chaos that is raining down on me, I still get up in the morning, and very grateful that I am breathing. 

Is it too much to ask to just be nowadays? I feel as if I'm running low and quite frankly, I'm operating on fumes. I don't know how others do this on a daily basis. I have a big family because the extended also talks to the main branch, which is weird considering how so much backstabbing goes on and gossiping, too, so it's weird. 

I haven't really cried... I've lost too much this year, and I have no idea when the luck will change for the better. Though, if you were to take a look at me at this moment, the pain is all there to see. Just one gaze into my eyes... I have big bags under my eyes. I don't want to tell anyone how I feel, or open up but I find myself being coerce to, because a lot of people care, which I don't quite understand but okay. I appreciate it. 

Today is my cousin's viewing, and tomorrow, there's a mass for her at 10am followed by the funeral. She was only 44 years old. She wasn't that older than me, and she had so much life within her that it's so unfair. She was always smiling even though she herself may not be feeling well. 

I find myself doing the same... smiling even though I don't feel it. But I do it anyways for everyone else. Because I don't know what to say when I'm asked if I'm okay so I smile in response or infuse some real sincerity in my voice when I say I'm okay or I'm fine when I'm not. 

However, I do know that I'm a mess. I don't know how to get out of this, either. I want to know if things will get better, and if there will be a cure some day for cancer, and if I'm going to lose any more people in my life this year because I don't know if I could handle that. I have been treading water for so long that my legs are tired, and I just want to succumb, but I don't know why I'm still here. 

I really don't know any more... 

I guess the whole losing weight is kinda cool lol. I feel smaller every day, and yes, I do eat, but not enough I guess. Just enough to get by to be honest. I suppress the urge to regurgitate more often than not, though. 

//shrugs

You will be missed...

My cousin died today. Last year, Tita Madre died today, and today is her first death anniversary.

I think the ugliest word is cancer. And it has taken away too many of my loved ones.

I'm usually resilient, but I'm already feeling as if I'm drowning. I keep telling myself to keep going, and even though I cannot help myself, I can be there for my family.

Tita Cathy, I miss you. 

we're all dying the minute we come out of that womb

It's true.








Depressing, right? Wrong. It's reality. Whether people die because of natural disasters happening, or of natural causes like just being old, or because of selfish reasons like suicide, people DIE all the time.

I'm coming off as a heartless bitch, aren't I? Ha. I wish I could be a heartless bitch, but damn me and my emotions. Ever since the tsunami hit Japan...

eventually, I will cry and let it out. I always end up crying and letting it out. But right now, I'm numb, and a damn good actress. With the exception of a few people, no one knows how close I am to losing my composure. I hear some of his favorite songs, and not even a tear can squeeze through my almond-shaped eyes.

I don't know why, but this is hard. Today hurt. I've lost too many good friends in the span of a few months, not even a few months. Two for selfish suicidal reasons, and this most recent loss happened because of an earthquake-inspired tsunami.

Half of me wonders if it would have been better had I thought he was still one of the missing... he was a strong swimmer. And the other half is glad to know that he is no longer missing, but no longer of this plane of existence. He's gone. My friend Will is gone.

I get too close to many people, and really, I don't know if I could this any more. I care way more than I should, but my friends are a part of my life. And sometimes, they are my family. And this, losing Will... it felt like I lost a part of me.

A huge part of me because he was always there [when there's a Will, you'll always have me is what he always said... guess no one should use the word "always" either] .... and now he's gone.

Just gone.





Happy birthday, Will. I miss you.