im doing it all wrong?

Lately, I've been thinking...




... and so far, some things don't make sense while others do. At this rate, I don't know if I should keep going and paddle along with the current, or if I should paddle against it. Quite frankly, I want to ... just be.

With that said, how is it possible that I can get into a kickass law school but not an in-state law school? It's beginning to piss me off. All of these offers to attend these kickass law schools are beginning to annoy me because a) because these law schools are practically tier 1 schools and they WANT me whereas b) the in-state law school -the ones that are financially in my range, mind you- don't want me/choose to wait-list me/admission counselors are as confused as I am of why I've been wait-listed ...

It's not like I did bad on the LSATs, and not to toot my own horn, but I did pretty well, and I really don't want to freakin' retake the LSAT but it sure looks like I'm going to because the in-state law schools just don't want me in ... and my GPA isn't bad, either, so really: where am I going wrong?


I worked hard for my score --- I'm an emotional, compassionate human being who is willingly putting her soul on the line for the next few years it'll take to mold me into a soul-sucking lawyer [but no, I'm not handing my soul over; instead, I'm going to partition a part of me in becoming a soul-sucking lawyer while maintaining who I am at the core because frankly, no amount of logic bullshit/law know-how will ever change me], and not a single in-state law school (at least the ones who have my LSAT scores, & other stuffz) want me.

It's like the state of Indiana is willingly letting me go to another state to get my law degree, and the chances of me coming back to this state would be less than .2% ...

... I've heard from other kickass law schools, and as much as I would love to go to any one of those or hell, one of them is my dream school, the debt I would acquire after those few years is just ... insurmountable. I'm already in debt, but it's workable. However, if I were to add to that debt with law school debt... just thinking of that makes my head spin.


I'm one class away from my certification, but you know what? With how this whole law school process is going for me, I might just "to hell with it!" and get my BSN; at least, I know with certain programs I can that done within two years, and yes, I might have to give up my law, but medical has always been in my blood... I just refused to acknowledge it all these years because everyone in my family is in the medical field either as a nurse or a doctor, and law was always were I was heading [though, moonlighting as a singer doesn't sound bad...]

/sighs

you don't deserve me...

So, ever since I can remember [after I realized that becoming a singer or an astronaut wasn't really what I wanted to be] I wanted to be a lawyer. An attorney. An Esquire. And I'm currently on the path to that goal, but lately, I've realized that maybe I don't want to become one of those people because they have no souls.

Some have souls, but you can see it in their eyes, in their stride that as much as they love their job, it is quite literally killing them. Slowly, but it is. And I already have this perspective that my life is going to end when I least expect it because truthfully, I push the buttons extremely these days on others, and I have probably pissed off the wrong kind of people so don't be surprised when the 10 o'clock news shows a rockstar paralegal with her face down in the White River, floating sans clothing and probably assaulted physically and sexually, etc ... yea, depressing I know but hey, it's life, and I know I have made some people mad enough to go and murder me. Sorry there, I digress...

Anyways... I have realized in the last few days that if I were to continue down this path, inevitably I will be a lawyer, and after that, a Judge followed by becoming a Justice, and just maybe a Chief Justice, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

This is possible, but I'm not sure if I'm cut out for that cutthroat business. I'm losing hope as it is in humanity, and faith is not too far behind, either. I'm just sick of people wasting their lives and wasting chances and opportunities that fall onto their laps. Part of the reason why I haven't said yes to the admissions lady from the kick ass law school is financially, I cannot afford it. Not even with scholarships thrown in, and loans. I don't want to be in debt for the rest of my life; I want to do something now because time waits for no one.

And I realize I'm not getting any younger, though I don't look like my age. Never have looked like my age. Don't act my age, either.

I don't like getting disappointed. I'm used to it, and just people letting me down. I'm tired of investing time in others who don't invest time in me. More to the point, I think from now on, everyone gets one chance - with exceptions I suppose but I'll take that into consideration on a case by case basis.

I'm tired of caring. Loving. I'm tired of giving and giving, and getting nothing in return. So, for the rest of this week, I will not be posting.

Instead, I'll be telepathically sending out messages to the world, to humanity... and see if anyone picks up on the message. I doubt it, but who knows. Perhaps the universe itself will answer.