Lately, I've been thinking...
... and so far, some things don't make sense while others do. At this rate, I don't know if I should keep going and paddle along with the current, or if I should paddle against it. Quite frankly, I want to ... just be.
With that said, how is it possible that I can get into a kickass law school but not an in-state law school? It's beginning to piss me off. All of these offers to attend these kickass law schools are beginning to annoy me because a) because these law schools are practically tier 1 schools and they WANT me whereas b) the in-state law school -the ones that are financially in my range, mind you- don't want me/choose to wait-list me/admission counselors are as confused as I am of why I've been wait-listed ...
It's not like I did bad on the LSATs, and not to toot my own horn, but I did pretty well, and I really don't want to freakin' retake the LSAT but it sure looks like I'm going to because the in-state law schools just don't want me in ... and my GPA isn't bad, either, so really: where am I going wrong?
I worked hard for my score --- I'm an emotional, compassionate human being who is willingly putting her soul on the line for the next few years it'll take to mold me into a soul-sucking lawyer [but no, I'm not handing my soul over; instead, I'm going to partition a part of me in becoming a soul-sucking lawyer while maintaining who I am at the core because frankly, no amount of logic bullshit/law know-how will ever change me], and not a single in-state law school (at least the ones who have my LSAT scores, & other stuffz) want me.
It's like the state of Indiana is willingly letting me go to another state to get my law degree, and the chances of me coming back to this state would be less than .2% ...
... I've heard from other kickass law schools, and as much as I would love to go to any one of those or hell, one of them is my dream school, the debt I would acquire after those few years is just ... insurmountable. I'm already in debt, but it's workable. However, if I were to add to that debt with law school debt... just thinking of that makes my head spin.
I'm one class away from my certification, but you know what? With how this whole law school process is going for me, I might just "to hell with it!" and get my BSN; at least, I know with certain programs I can that done within two years, and yes, I might have to give up my law, but medical has always been in my blood... I just refused to acknowledge it all these years because everyone in my family is in the medical field either as a nurse or a doctor, and law was always were I was heading [though, moonlighting as a singer doesn't sound bad...]
/sighs
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
the lover writes a one word poem ,"you"
Today, I was told by a complete stranger that I am smart, sexy, and beautiful. Then, was asked, "where have you been my entire life" ... being the polite person that I am, I told him thank you, but was unsure how to respond to his question.
It is true, though. I am smart, but most of the time, I downplay my intelligence. I play the "I'm averagely smart" card with a touch of "airheadness" a lot. I don't know why I do this, but it might be because some men are intimidated by intelligence. There is no way I can intimidate someone; not with my short stature [I'm only five feet tall] or my friendly disposition. However, when it comes to my being smart, I apparently have intimidated some boys in my life. The men I have come across enjoy the challenge.
...which brings up this question: am I conquest?
In my life, I have been told at least a few times that all I ever was to them was a conquest, and admittedly, I was offended (&thankful) by their honesty. No one wants to know that they are just another notch on someone's bedpost. And yes, I have been used way too many times, and somehow, I'm not as jaded or cynical. I still have hope [how ever minuscule that hope may be].
With all of that said, I have been told by friends, acquaintances, and coworkers that I'm a catch, a keeper. If I'm such a keeper, how come... /sighs too many questions swirl in my head.
If I'm all these things: smart, sexy, beautiful, a keeper, wifey material, etc .. how come no one stays? ... it's very confusing. I'm not alone, but sometimes, I feel lonely. I'm surrounded by people I care for and who cares for me back, surrounded by loved ones. And yet, that sliver of loneliness creeps in... I wish I understood what it is about me that everyone loves about, but isn't willing to stick around OR if they want to stick around, I can't be their someone for I'm already taken... I can offer my friendship and that comes with a certain amount of loyalty, but my heart has been captured by someone else, and my loyalty to him knows no bounds. (And yes, we haven't been able to spend time together, but I understand and he trusts me.)
I guess perhaps what I should do is put my loyalty on reserve... maybe keep myself in check of sorts... I'm not sure. I have been taking leaps of faith here and there that I'm not sure where I am at the moment.
Also, I don't think I'm beautiful. I'm pretty or cute. Adorable comes to mind, but beautiful? I guess I'm not used to the adjective. And sexy? Really?? I'm sexy? ... /shrugs, maybe I just don't see it.
It is true, though. I am smart, but most of the time, I downplay my intelligence. I play the "I'm averagely smart" card with a touch of "airheadness" a lot. I don't know why I do this, but it might be because some men are intimidated by intelligence. There is no way I can intimidate someone; not with my short stature [I'm only five feet tall] or my friendly disposition. However, when it comes to my being smart, I apparently have intimidated some boys in my life. The men I have come across enjoy the challenge.
...which brings up this question: am I conquest?
In my life, I have been told at least a few times that all I ever was to them was a conquest, and admittedly, I was offended (&thankful) by their honesty. No one wants to know that they are just another notch on someone's bedpost. And yes, I have been used way too many times, and somehow, I'm not as jaded or cynical. I still have hope [how ever minuscule that hope may be].
With all of that said, I have been told by friends, acquaintances, and coworkers that I'm a catch, a keeper. If I'm such a keeper, how come... /sighs too many questions swirl in my head.
If I'm all these things: smart, sexy, beautiful, a keeper, wifey material, etc .. how come no one stays? ... it's very confusing. I'm not alone, but sometimes, I feel lonely. I'm surrounded by people I care for and who cares for me back, surrounded by loved ones. And yet, that sliver of loneliness creeps in... I wish I understood what it is about me that everyone loves about, but isn't willing to stick around OR if they want to stick around, I can't be their someone for I'm already taken... I can offer my friendship and that comes with a certain amount of loyalty, but my heart has been captured by someone else, and my loyalty to him knows no bounds. (And yes, we haven't been able to spend time together, but I understand and he trusts me.)
I guess perhaps what I should do is put my loyalty on reserve... maybe keep myself in check of sorts... I'm not sure. I have been taking leaps of faith here and there that I'm not sure where I am at the moment.
Also, I don't think I'm beautiful. I'm pretty or cute. Adorable comes to mind, but beautiful? I guess I'm not used to the adjective. And sexy? Really?? I'm sexy? ... /shrugs, maybe I just don't see it.
Monday, March 07, 2011
the difference ...
I find myself being more picky as I grow older in terms of who I hang out, what I want out of life, and what I need to do.
However, with that said, it's not always going to go "according to plan", which is why I have started to "pencil" things in because plans go awry. They do go wrong.
Lately, my future self has decided to grace me with her presence in my dreams. It's weird seeing me, but I never remember how I look like; I just know it's me, but an older, possibly wiser me. She keeps telling me to keep going, and not give up. And before I get to ask her in what, she answers and tells me not to give up in what I'm currently doing and give love a chance. I see that future me has a ring on her finger, and it makes me wonder to who...
Anyways, I figure it's my subconscious telling me to just keep chugging, to keep going wherever it is I'm suppose to be going. /shrugs Who knows.
What I know right now is that I'm beyond exhausted. Both jobs keep me busy, and having a social life is killing me, too, so I might have to stop for a bit with the social interactions. Although, tomorrow is Mardi Gras, and apparently, my group of friends are doing something. I can tell you right now that a pot or two of coffee will have to suffice for Ash Wednesday.
Is it bad that all I want to do is curl up with my Dr.Fast&Furious on his couch and watch movies all day? I know he's been incredibly busy, too.
Sometimes, I forget that I'm dating someone because we don't see each other, rather, we haven't seen each other since last month; last time I saw we saw each other was February 18, I think.... we had dinner together. And communication between us has been like a text conversation every few days or so. [Yes, unfortunately, my memory is impeccable and so, I don't forget much though with that said, I know that I have selective memory, too, but for the most part, I remember almost if not everything].
I'd like to have a vacation some time soon, but I have no idea when that will happen.... oh! I'm going to be a bridesmaid *smiles* I love weddings, but the whole thing scares me as well so no, I'm in no hurry to get married whatsoever.
However, with that said, it's not always going to go "according to plan", which is why I have started to "pencil" things in because plans go awry. They do go wrong.
Lately, my future self has decided to grace me with her presence in my dreams. It's weird seeing me, but I never remember how I look like; I just know it's me, but an older, possibly wiser me. She keeps telling me to keep going, and not give up. And before I get to ask her in what, she answers and tells me not to give up in what I'm currently doing and give love a chance. I see that future me has a ring on her finger, and it makes me wonder to who...
Anyways, I figure it's my subconscious telling me to just keep chugging, to keep going wherever it is I'm suppose to be going. /shrugs Who knows.
What I know right now is that I'm beyond exhausted. Both jobs keep me busy, and having a social life is killing me, too, so I might have to stop for a bit with the social interactions. Although, tomorrow is Mardi Gras, and apparently, my group of friends are doing something. I can tell you right now that a pot or two of coffee will have to suffice for Ash Wednesday.
Is it bad that all I want to do is curl up with my Dr.Fast&Furious on his couch and watch movies all day? I know he's been incredibly busy, too.
Sometimes, I forget that I'm dating someone because we don't see each other, rather, we haven't seen each other since last month; last time I saw we saw each other was February 18, I think.... we had dinner together. And communication between us has been like a text conversation every few days or so. [Yes, unfortunately, my memory is impeccable and so, I don't forget much though with that said, I know that I have selective memory, too, but for the most part, I remember almost if not everything].
I'd like to have a vacation some time soon, but I have no idea when that will happen.... oh! I'm going to be a bridesmaid *smiles* I love weddings, but the whole thing scares me as well so no, I'm in no hurry to get married whatsoever.
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