remembering

Today is Nanay's death anniversary. My aunt Lourdes, better known as Nanay, passed away in September 22, 2004.

She had breast cancer, but beat it. However, it had spread to her lungs before any of her doctors could find it.


I remember going along with her to her treatments, being surrounded by death in that building. It's not a memory I'd like to remember because I accompanied her a lot on those visits.

And I just can't believe it has been this long...

That day will always be engraved in my head. I received the call while I was just getting out of my class... it was one of many classes that I took with Professor Garrity. And I remember collapsing in the doorway when I finally listened to the voicemail that was left to me, telling me that she had passed away.


I still get tears in my eyes.

...we miss you. I miss you, Nanay. I hope that wherever you are, you are doing okay. We wish that you were still with us.

where do you see yourself in five years?

In all of my interviews, I have been asked that question. And my answer? Well, it has always been the same; however, I'm finding that perhaps that's not the right path for me at all.

Look at me: I have a degree that I have yet to use, and in a job where I enjoy my co-workers company, and don't mind the work, but I don't love it. I don't love my job. I like it... but it feels like a "for now" type scenario, and not a career.

And that's what I eventually want, right? Actually, I don't know. For me, after being out in the workforce for a few years now, I don't know exactly what I want to be. I find myself toying with several different ideas, and all the different ideas lead to me my wanting to help people... but I don't know how to do without losing myself in the routine-ness of the job.

Does that even make sense? I used to dream of being a writer, a best-selling novelist, and lately, my dreams have been as confusing as my life. Nothing makes sense.

My skills set is pretty diverse. I don't really have a strong point in any of them... I just don't know. And the reason why I'm writing this entry right now is because I had recently gotten off the phone with a potential employer, and that job is nowhere near my skills set right now. If I get hired, it would be a new skills set that I'll be learning... something new to add to my already quite diverse resume.

I had a direction at one point in my life... I don't know why I'm still stuck. Guess I'm a perpetual learner of new things.

But my answer before to that question was hopefully out of law school, possibly engaged to be married, and perhaps a lot closer to finding an editor and publisher for my written work. Though, to be quite honest, I don't know if I even have that spark any more.

I miss being on stage, in theatre and learning lines and songs if it's a musical. I miss knowing or at least I thought I knew what I wanted to be ... I miss the self-confidence. The "I can do anything" attitude.

Right now? I'm not quite content, but I'm not unhappy, either.

It just feels as if I'm stuck... and I don't like that feeling.

I just want to keep going, but I don't even know if I'm heading in the right direction. I feel lost, and the last time I was lost... well, I made it out of that somewhat intact.

Who knows where I'll be in five years. Who knows where the world will be then... who knows indeed.

oh look at that:

It's September... how time flies!