i get a little bit stronger ...

I find myself writing more these days. Maybe it's because I have more to say, or perhaps I have more thoughts in my mind. I'm not really sure, but I've always been able to write down my thoughts, and somehow, I feel better.

These days, though, it's a mix of feeling better and feeling worse, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. The past few days I've discovered more things about my family and my past ... and though it hasn't answered my questions about my biological parents, I find that instead of feeling calm, I feel more in turmoil and I don't like the feeling.

I try to put it aside, but I can't help it. It's weird. I feel ... strangely disconnected. And I know I'm not prone to depression, but I feel myself slipping in that direction. I know that I have cried more than I ever have this year than I ever have, but I've had some important people in my life taken away by a natural disaster, and disease. I cannot help that I could have been there for them somehow, but I don't know how I could have helped, either.

As for my past, I've been wondering about my birth mother and father since I first discovered I'm adopted. It's one of those catch-22s I guess because I never really thought about it, until puberty hit and more so now because I don't have my father to walk me down the aisle whenever I get married... the woman who raised me, mother, she and I aren't close, but I am truly grateful for everything she's done for me. It's just ...

Too much thinking done, and I miss home. I miss being in his arms where I feel safe and wanted. I don't want to say the "l" word, but yea... I miss my friends. I miss home. This family has raised me... not just mother or my nanny, but everyone, and yes, I am thankful for everything each of them has done for me, but I feel more at home when I'm with friends... and I feel at home when I'm with him. Didn't even feel that way with Dr.FastandFurious or W.

For all I know, though, it could just be because we're still in the honeymoon phase of our relationship... I don't know. Who knows.

I'm a jumble of thoughts and emotions, and I feel lost. I want to find my way out of this, and I just don't know if I could do it on my own.

... Craig David's song "Unbelievable" comes to mind... maybe it is unbelievable. /shrugs

Meeting the family

Meeting the family ... always scary, right? Well, my cousin, whom I'm visiting, brought it up that she -as well as the rest of the family- would absolutely love to meet B.

Tentative meeting place is at Journey on 96th St... a joint celebration of two birthdays and a wedding anniversary.

Ever seen the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Well, that's my family except we're Filipinos.

Personally, I'm scared... I don't know if B is ready to meet everyone -and when I say "everyone" it is more or less the immediate, extended family- but my cousin has given out the invite to me to give to B.

I'm not sure if B can go since he has one of his brothers with him still that weekend so if it's a late lunch, it is a maybe, but if it is dinner, it may just work out. Who knows. I don't know.

But, I for one, am scared for him to meet everyone because well, I just ... I really, really want everyone to like him.

I think it's just that I'm more or less nervous about him meeting everyone. My family's dynamics are weird at best. Don't really have a word for it... We have this "we're put together" front to the public, but no, we really aren't. I guess everyone has their own problems, you know. My family, though, ... I don't know. I'm not close to most of them, but maybe a handful, well, less than a handful. Can't really be too close to people who will hurt you; though, for the most part, its unintentional. I have a lot of relatives who lack tact. And I'm sensitive.

I know that when B meets the family, especially mother, that I will have to be at my best behavior... my family has this amazing ability to make me feel very insecure about myself. It is a constant battle I hope to win ... being at war with my family is something I've dealt with my entire life. I haven't won many battles, but the few victories have been worth it.

Anyways, I have digressed a bit...

I feel as if slowly but surely I'm opening up... and that itself is scary. /shrugs

I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, even if it's heavily-guarded.

lightning strikes when it wants to

So, how is everyone doing? I haven't been regularly posting as I used to, but what can you do? These days, I have more to say, but I find myself at a loss for words...

I find myself in a new relationship with someone who is smitten with me, which works well because I fancy him back. It's just ... weird, you know? To have someone who shares the same intensity as I do, and sometimes, more than I do, but he's better at hiding it than I am.

The relationship is pretty new, practically at that "honeymoon" stage, but personally-speaking, I'm hoping for a great outcome.

I know how I am, though. When I fall, I fall hard... and it's getting harder trying to not to get attached, and I know very well that I am getting there. Slowing down ... I'm trying to put the brakes, and he's not pressuring me, either, but a part of me feels as if it's too soon to be feeling the way that I do, but lightning strikes wherever and whenever it wants to, and to say the least, I think I've been struck.

B makes me want to stay and leave at the same time... well, not him exactly but more or less, it's me being afraid of getting hurt. But, I'm trying. I'm trying and sometimes, my guard goes down on its own. My walls are crumbling slowly; the door to my heart isn't unbreakable... it's accessible, but I don't know if I want to give the key so easily... though, let's be honest here: I think I've already done that.

Knowing the difference between what's real and what's not is tricky. I was pretty certain that I was in love with Dr.FastandFurious, which in retrospect, I think I was but it definitely isn't the same feeling that I'm feeling for B... and I thought I was in love with W, and I was but again, the depth of feeling isn't the same as how I feel for B.

W had commitment issues, and Dr.FastandFurious put his education and career first. Me? I want it all: I want the love of a lifetime within my arms [or me in his arms] while we both strive for our career goals... while we work together in learning more about each other, sharing doubts, losses, and victories ... just me and him against the world.

B is different from both W and Dr.FastandFurious... and me with my usual self had no idea that he was interested in me. I was oblivious to it, but one Friday night changed all of that. And here we are ...

I'm not where I am normally; currently visiting cousins in another State, and I miss B. Like a lot. Probably more than I should, but I do. This island born/city girl is smitten with a certain country boy :) He doesn't likes to be called a teddy bear, but he's my teddy bear, my B.

Ha. I sound like a romantic, and perhaps I am, but I've never been a hopeless romantic. I like to think of myself as a hopeful one.

I'm not much of a planner, but I do like to be prepared for whatever else Life is going to throw at me. I have so much I want to do and experience, and so very little time to do it all.

I guess I should just sit back and enjoy the ride... or something akin to that. Anyways... Summer is here! Hot, sweaty days with cool, breezy nights.