i get a little bit stronger ...

I find myself writing more these days. Maybe it's because I have more to say, or perhaps I have more thoughts in my mind. I'm not really sure, but I've always been able to write down my thoughts, and somehow, I feel better.

These days, though, it's a mix of feeling better and feeling worse, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. The past few days I've discovered more things about my family and my past ... and though it hasn't answered my questions about my biological parents, I find that instead of feeling calm, I feel more in turmoil and I don't like the feeling.

I try to put it aside, but I can't help it. It's weird. I feel ... strangely disconnected. And I know I'm not prone to depression, but I feel myself slipping in that direction. I know that I have cried more than I ever have this year than I ever have, but I've had some important people in my life taken away by a natural disaster, and disease. I cannot help that I could have been there for them somehow, but I don't know how I could have helped, either.

As for my past, I've been wondering about my birth mother and father since I first discovered I'm adopted. It's one of those catch-22s I guess because I never really thought about it, until puberty hit and more so now because I don't have my father to walk me down the aisle whenever I get married... the woman who raised me, mother, she and I aren't close, but I am truly grateful for everything she's done for me. It's just ...

Too much thinking done, and I miss home. I miss being in his arms where I feel safe and wanted. I don't want to say the "l" word, but yea... I miss my friends. I miss home. This family has raised me... not just mother or my nanny, but everyone, and yes, I am thankful for everything each of them has done for me, but I feel more at home when I'm with friends... and I feel at home when I'm with him. Didn't even feel that way with Dr.FastandFurious or W.

For all I know, though, it could just be because we're still in the honeymoon phase of our relationship... I don't know. Who knows.

I'm a jumble of thoughts and emotions, and I feel lost. I want to find my way out of this, and I just don't know if I could do it on my own.

... Craig David's song "Unbelievable" comes to mind... maybe it is unbelievable. /shrugs

oh, the things i learn

I learned some more things about my past today... and I'm not sure how to feel about it, but I know one thing for sure that I have more respect for mother.

And oh, that I'm more like her, even though we aren't blood, than I ever knew.

Meeting the family

Meeting the family ... always scary, right? Well, my cousin, whom I'm visiting, brought it up that she -as well as the rest of the family- would absolutely love to meet B.

Tentative meeting place is at Journey on 96th St... a joint celebration of two birthdays and a wedding anniversary.

Ever seen the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Well, that's my family except we're Filipinos.

Personally, I'm scared... I don't know if B is ready to meet everyone -and when I say "everyone" it is more or less the immediate, extended family- but my cousin has given out the invite to me to give to B.

I'm not sure if B can go since he has one of his brothers with him still that weekend so if it's a late lunch, it is a maybe, but if it is dinner, it may just work out. Who knows. I don't know.

But, I for one, am scared for him to meet everyone because well, I just ... I really, really want everyone to like him.

I think it's just that I'm more or less nervous about him meeting everyone. My family's dynamics are weird at best. Don't really have a word for it... We have this "we're put together" front to the public, but no, we really aren't. I guess everyone has their own problems, you know. My family, though, ... I don't know. I'm not close to most of them, but maybe a handful, well, less than a handful. Can't really be too close to people who will hurt you; though, for the most part, its unintentional. I have a lot of relatives who lack tact. And I'm sensitive.

I know that when B meets the family, especially mother, that I will have to be at my best behavior... my family has this amazing ability to make me feel very insecure about myself. It is a constant battle I hope to win ... being at war with my family is something I've dealt with my entire life. I haven't won many battles, but the few victories have been worth it.

Anyways, I have digressed a bit...

I feel as if slowly but surely I'm opening up... and that itself is scary. /shrugs

I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, even if it's heavily-guarded.