I find myself writing more these days. Maybe it's because I have more to say, or perhaps I have more thoughts in my mind. I'm not really sure, but I've always been able to write down my thoughts, and somehow, I feel better.
These days, though, it's a mix of feeling better and feeling worse, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. The past few days I've discovered more things about my family and my past ... and though it hasn't answered my questions about my biological parents, I find that instead of feeling calm, I feel more in turmoil and I don't like the feeling.
I try to put it aside, but I can't help it. It's weird. I feel ... strangely disconnected. And I know I'm not prone to depression, but I feel myself slipping in that direction. I know that I have cried more than I ever have this year than I ever have, but I've had some important people in my life taken away by a natural disaster, and disease. I cannot help that I could have been there for them somehow, but I don't know how I could have helped, either.
As for my past, I've been wondering about my birth mother and father since I first discovered I'm adopted. It's one of those catch-22s I guess because I never really thought about it, until puberty hit and more so now because I don't have my father to walk me down the aisle whenever I get married... the woman who raised me, mother, she and I aren't close, but I am truly grateful for everything she's done for me. It's just ...
Too much thinking done, and I miss home. I miss being in his arms where I feel safe and wanted. I don't want to say the "l" word, but yea... I miss my friends. I miss home. This family has raised me... not just mother or my nanny, but everyone, and yes, I am thankful for everything each of them has done for me, but I feel more at home when I'm with friends... and I feel at home when I'm with him. Didn't even feel that way with Dr.FastandFurious or W.
For all I know, though, it could just be because we're still in the honeymoon phase of our relationship... I don't know. Who knows.
I'm a jumble of thoughts and emotions, and I feel lost. I want to find my way out of this, and I just don't know if I could do it on my own.
... Craig David's song "Unbelievable" comes to mind... maybe it is unbelievable. /shrugs
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Thursday, June 09, 2011
lightning strikes when it wants to
So, how is everyone doing? I haven't been regularly posting as I used to, but what can you do? These days, I have more to say, but I find myself at a loss for words...
I find myself in a new relationship with someone who is smitten with me, which works well because I fancy him back. It's just ... weird, you know? To have someone who shares the same intensity as I do, and sometimes, more than I do, but he's better at hiding it than I am.
The relationship is pretty new, practically at that "honeymoon" stage, but personally-speaking, I'm hoping for a great outcome.
I know how I am, though. When I fall, I fall hard... and it's getting harder trying to not to get attached, and I know very well that I am getting there. Slowing down ... I'm trying to put the brakes, and he's not pressuring me, either, but a part of me feels as if it's too soon to be feeling the way that I do, but lightning strikes wherever and whenever it wants to, and to say the least, I think I've been struck.
B makes me want to stay and leave at the same time... well, not him exactly but more or less, it's me being afraid of getting hurt. But, I'm trying. I'm trying and sometimes, my guard goes down on its own. My walls are crumbling slowly; the door to my heart isn't unbreakable... it's accessible, but I don't know if I want to give the key so easily... though, let's be honest here: I think I've already done that.
Knowing the difference between what's real and what's not is tricky. I was pretty certain that I was in love with Dr.FastandFurious, which in retrospect, I think I was but it definitely isn't the same feeling that I'm feeling for B... and I thought I was in love with W, and I was but again, the depth of feeling isn't the same as how I feel for B.
W had commitment issues, and Dr.FastandFurious put his education and career first. Me? I want it all: I want the love of a lifetime within my arms [or me in his arms] while we both strive for our career goals... while we work together in learning more about each other, sharing doubts, losses, and victories ... just me and him against the world.
B is different from both W and Dr.FastandFurious... and me with my usual self had no idea that he was interested in me. I was oblivious to it, but one Friday night changed all of that. And here we are ...
I'm not where I am normally; currently visiting cousins in another State, and I miss B. Like a lot. Probably more than I should, but I do. This island born/city girl is smitten with a certain country boy :) He doesn't likes to be called a teddy bear, but he's my teddy bear, my B.
Ha. I sound like a romantic, and perhaps I am, but I've never been a hopeless romantic. I like to think of myself as a hopeful one.
I'm not much of a planner, but I do like to be prepared for whatever else Life is going to throw at me. I have so much I want to do and experience, and so very little time to do it all.
I guess I should just sit back and enjoy the ride... or something akin to that. Anyways... Summer is here! Hot, sweaty days with cool, breezy nights.
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
avec moi
"I'm a greedy person.
Not in a materialistic, buy-me-expensive-stuff kind of way, but in a lavish-your-time-on-me kind of way. However, the lavishness cannot be a daily thing, I imagine. And as much as I'd like to lounge around all day with him, we would have things to do, places to be, people to meet...
So.
When he does spend time with me, I want him to focus on me and really be spending that time with me. ......Our time spent together, the five or fifteen minutes, the hour or three, needs to be something of worth, even if all we have to say to each other are brief endearments."
[written by ecilla/Xanga]
With that said, I do like presents and will never turn them down, but really, all I want is more time, his time. We're both busy people juggling several tasks simultaneously, but it shouldn't be so hard to free time up, right? Wrong. Because whenever either is free, the other one isn't. Or it is tempting to just keep that free time to one's self and watch a movie while sipping whiskey alone or play video games until it's bedtime... completely understandable. But still. /sighs
And the thing about time is ... it's really not free. It takes minutes to plan, moments turning into hours, days becoming weeks, etc.
Not in a materialistic, buy-me-expensive-stuff kind of way, but in a lavish-your-time-on-me kind of way. However, the lavishness cannot be a daily thing, I imagine. And as much as I'd like to lounge around all day with him, we would have things to do, places to be, people to meet...
So.
When he does spend time with me, I want him to focus on me and really be spending that time with me. ......Our time spent together, the five or fifteen minutes, the hour or three, needs to be something of worth, even if all we have to say to each other are brief endearments."
[written by ecilla/Xanga]
 |
| some happy couple .... |
With that said, I do like presents and will never turn them down, but really, all I want is more time, his time. We're both busy people juggling several tasks simultaneously, but it shouldn't be so hard to free time up, right? Wrong. Because whenever either is free, the other one isn't. Or it is tempting to just keep that free time to one's self and watch a movie while sipping whiskey alone or play video games until it's bedtime... completely understandable. But still. /sighs
And the thing about time is ... it's really not free. It takes minutes to plan, moments turning into hours, days becoming weeks, etc.
Friday, February 18, 2011
just a friendly reminder ...
TO PLEASE A WOMAN, YOU NEED TO REMEMBER ...
1. Honesty is the best policy. (It really is. So, if you're asked a question, like "does this make me look fat," say so. True it may hurt, but hey, at least we know you're telling the truth. Don't sugarcoat anything. An honest man is better than a lying one.)
2. Learn to listen. (Don't pretend you're listening. REALLY listen. You learn more about the opposite gender if you actually pay attention and not be distracted. Ignorance is NOT bliss.)
3. Construct your sentences correctly. (Abbreviations are nice and all, but it removes meaning when phrases like "I love you" becomes "ily" ...just saying. Also, double negatives are bad, and ending sentences in a preposition is wrong, but no one really cares these days.)
4. Never underestimate a woman. (Women underestimate themselves on a daily basis. I underestimate myself all the time, but that's me. Just remember that we already do it to ourselves, so we don't need you to do the same.
5. Never disrespect a woman's intelligence. (With number 4 paving the way, number 5 is redundant, but seriously, don't disrespect. True, we may have our dumb moments, but that doesn't mean we're stupid. We know we're smart; we tend to downplay our own intelligence because some men are intimidated by it.)
6. Give us compliments, but don't blow smoke. (When you compliment, mean it. Say what you mean, not what you think we want to hear. Be upfront, direct. HONEST.)
7. Always give your 110% at EVERYTHING! (This may be a tall order, but do your best in everything you possibly can. Ambition and self-confidence are turn-ons; just don't be arrogant about it.)
8. Be understanding. (Be the one person we can count on for anything [just don't take murder assignments ;)], be the one person we can go to when we just need someone to hold us because it's been a shitty day... just be you, and no one else.)
9. Do not try so hard ... it will come.
FINALLY,
10. Be yourself!
(and if you take meds,... TAKE THEM ON TIME!) ;)
1. Honesty is the best policy. (It really is. So, if you're asked a question, like "does this make me look fat," say so. True it may hurt, but hey, at least we know you're telling the truth. Don't sugarcoat anything. An honest man is better than a lying one.)
2. Learn to listen. (Don't pretend you're listening. REALLY listen. You learn more about the opposite gender if you actually pay attention and not be distracted. Ignorance is NOT bliss.)
3. Construct your sentences correctly. (Abbreviations are nice and all, but it removes meaning when phrases like "I love you" becomes "ily" ...just saying. Also, double negatives are bad, and ending sentences in a preposition is wrong, but no one really cares these days.)
4. Never underestimate a woman. (Women underestimate themselves on a daily basis. I underestimate myself all the time, but that's me. Just remember that we already do it to ourselves, so we don't need you to do the same.
5. Never disrespect a woman's intelligence. (With number 4 paving the way, number 5 is redundant, but seriously, don't disrespect. True, we may have our dumb moments, but that doesn't mean we're stupid. We know we're smart; we tend to downplay our own intelligence because some men are intimidated by it.)
6. Give us compliments, but don't blow smoke. (When you compliment, mean it. Say what you mean, not what you think we want to hear. Be upfront, direct. HONEST.)
7. Always give your 110% at EVERYTHING! (This may be a tall order, but do your best in everything you possibly can. Ambition and self-confidence are turn-ons; just don't be arrogant about it.)
8. Be understanding. (Be the one person we can count on for anything [just don't take murder assignments ;)], be the one person we can go to when we just need someone to hold us because it's been a shitty day... just be you, and no one else.)
9. Do not try so hard ... it will come.
FINALLY,
10. Be yourself!
(and if you take meds,... TAKE THEM ON TIME!) ;)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
addicted...
"It's risky, falling in love."
"I know that," I answered. "I've been in love before.
"I know that," I answered. "I've been in love before.
It's like a narcotic. At first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender.
The next day, you want more. You're not addicted yet, but you like the sensation,
and you think you can still control things.
You think about the person you love for two minutes,
and forget them for three hours.
"But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them.
"But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them.
Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes.
If he's not there, you feel like an addict who can't get a fix.
And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need,
you're willing to do anything for love."
"What a horrible way to put it," he said."
"What a horrible way to put it," he said."
Sunday, January 30, 2011
thinking out loud ...
Dear Dr.FastandFurious*,
I find myself thinking about you* a lot, and this has been happening for awhile. Well, maybe since we met, and that wasn't too long ago, either! It's as if you've insinuated yourself in my brain, and there's no easy way to get you out... I often wonder if you think of me in the same intensity that I do of you. Probably not, because no one can multi-task like I can :winks: I have several things going on and I can keep track of them all. But when you enter the stream, it's like everything else doesn't matter, and that is what scares me.
...I know how I feel about you; it's obvious to everyone. It wasn't as obvious to me in the beginning, but I'm learning to accept it. One of these days I might just tell you, and not have you just "infer" ... when I said that I wished I had met you sooner, I meant it.
I'm so into you that I fear that I might smother you so I have began to distance myself.
Walking away when really I should stay, right? :shrugs: I think I said that I was getting used to not seeing you (you said that's not good [we've had this same conversation twice now, and you said the same thing both times], and I'd really like to see you more. To get to know you more. To just be with you. And even as I type that, I'm perfectly fine with not seeing you all the time [because you're always on my mind]. I crave the physical closeness, but what makes me come back to you is the size of your intellect. Your conversation. Hearing your voice. Being in close proximity. And I have never let anyone close to me as fast as I did with you.
You see, I have a problem with trusting people. I'm used to getting disappointed, and just being runner-up. Never really wanted first place, but I have this innate ability to being the center of attention. And I have never wanted to be someone's entire world because I've been there before, and that is an experience I'd rather not go through again.
But with you... it's different. There's something I haven't discovered, and :shrugs: I don't know. What can I say? I do like puzzles, and you keep surprising me. You keep me on my toes, and I like that. You're definitely someone that I did not expect to cross paths with, and I wish I met you sooner. I really, really do. I really do like you. I like you a lot. And, I never - I never wanna hurt you. I think I love you.
Whatever happens between now and the future, I'm glad we met. And even if you end up not catching me when I fall, because I am falling for you so fast and hard, I'll be okay. I will be fine. Because you have taught me something :smiles:
Taking a leap of faith requires courage, and that's exactly what I'm doing.
Sincerely,
Mai Toast
*He will be mentioned frequently as either Dr.FastandFurious, drfast&furious, or docfnf or something along those lines, but just let me point out: this person is awesome. Such an impressive individual, and I'm very lucky to have him in my life.
I find myself thinking about you* a lot, and this has been happening for awhile. Well, maybe since we met, and that wasn't too long ago, either! It's as if you've insinuated yourself in my brain, and there's no easy way to get you out... I often wonder if you think of me in the same intensity that I do of you. Probably not, because no one can multi-task like I can :winks: I have several things going on and I can keep track of them all. But when you enter the stream, it's like everything else doesn't matter, and that is what scares me.
...I know how I feel about you; it's obvious to everyone. It wasn't as obvious to me in the beginning, but I'm learning to accept it. One of these days I might just tell you, and not have you just "infer" ... when I said that I wished I had met you sooner, I meant it.
Walking away when really I should stay, right? :shrugs: I think I said that I was getting used to not seeing you (you said that's not good [we've had this same conversation twice now, and you said the same thing both times], and I'd really like to see you more. To get to know you more. To just be with you. And even as I type that, I'm perfectly fine with not seeing you all the time [because you're always on my mind]. I crave the physical closeness, but what makes me come back to you is the size of your intellect. Your conversation. Hearing your voice. Being in close proximity. And I have never let anyone close to me as fast as I did with you.
You see, I have a problem with trusting people. I'm used to getting disappointed, and just being runner-up. Never really wanted first place, but I have this innate ability to being the center of attention. And I have never wanted to be someone's entire world because I've been there before, and that is an experience I'd rather not go through again.
Whatever happens between now and the future, I'm glad we met. And even if you end up not catching me when I fall, because I am falling for you so fast and hard, I'll be okay. I will be fine. Because you have taught me something :smiles:
Taking a leap of faith requires courage, and that's exactly what I'm doing.
Sincerely,
Mai Toast
*He will be mentioned frequently as either Dr.FastandFurious, drfast&furious, or docfnf or something along those lines, but just let me point out: this person is awesome. Such an impressive individual, and I'm very lucky to have him in my life.
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