what path are you on?

“We can never judge the lives of others, 

because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. 

It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, 

but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”
~Paulo Coelho

Ever since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of being on stage. As much as I don't like being the center of attention, I don't mind it as much when I'm playing a character... I like performing. I enjoyed being in front of an audience. Yes, I did get stage fright, but first night jitters always happens to me, and after that first night, the following consecutive nights are just amazing. Simply fantastic. 

But, it wasn't meant to be. Singing -performing, in general- is a hobby for me. And I'm okay with that because as a little girl, I also dreamed of becoming an astronaut because I wanted to dance among the stars, and that, too, didn't happen because I found something more me: writing.

As much as I love music and singing, writing is my weapon of choice. I just love how versatile it is: you can set it to music, construct sentences that become paragraphs, that may -in turn- become novels, and novels can become scripts and it can be watched and enjoyed/hated on the big screens. Words are quite simply put -to me- my friends. It may hurt now and again, but I have had this affair with words ever since I learned how to read. 

And with words came my love for argument. I'm not saying that I love to argue because I don't. I'm very much a pacifist, but if you tell me I'm wrong, and I know I'm right, well.. let's just not go there. I will, however, listen to your opinion and respect it, but at the same time, I will also tell you what mine is. Most of the time, I just shrug and go with it.

Anyways.... I would really like to pursue a career in law some day. Right now, I'm a paralegal, and I'm good at what I do. But, to be in a courtroom, fighting for justice... a jury of contemporaries/peers/whatever you want to call them, and being the one person who can prove to everyone that your client is the innocent one... honestly, I don't like to talk, but if I have all sides of a story, and based on those facts, I know that my client is innocent, you bet that I will try my hardest to win it for my client, to prove to everyone of his/her innocence. 

Ultimate goal: Chief Justice... yes, I know. I have rather lofty goals, but hey, at least you know I aim high :winks: 

... when I stumbled upon that quote by Mr. Coehlo, it just made me think, and I'm still thinking. I don't know if I'm on the right path. I don't know if I'll even stay on this path because I've strayed from it far too long. I worked in the IT field for several years [started out in a computer lab while in college 2004, and I did work in IT since until recently so...] 

I have skills. I have ambition. Drive. Passion. MOTIVATION. What I don't have is direction. And I'm still struggling with this even now. 

In high school, we were all required to take a career test... and you know what I got? I got the big circle in the middle, which didn't provide me direction, and my guidance counselor told me that I can basically do whatever I want, and well, that didn't really help me... so I guess for now I'll continue to walk on this path, this one that leads to law, and perhaps I will reach that ultimate goal. I do have other goals in mind, but that's an entire different post waiting to be written.

i am ...

Whenever someone poses the question, "who are you," my immediate response is usually I'm me; who else would I be? But, lately -particularly these last few months-, I have been drawn more to the deeper side of that simple question:

Who am I really?

I'd like to think I know who I am - that I'm me and no one else, that I'm an only child, that I've surrounded with friends and family, etc. But, that's really not an answer, either, and so, I circle back to the question: who am I? Who do I think I am?

I feel as if I'm lost in the woods, and my dumb ass self didn't leave a trail of pebbles to follow back, but breadcrumbs that have long been swept by the wind or have been consumed by various creatures that inhabit the forest. Everywhere I look, I see more forest and shrubbery, and the noises that come out at night are scary and unfamiliar to my untrained ears. I clutch my cloak securely around my small frame. The slight breeze strokes my cheek in a careless caress that I can't help, but wonder if there really is a guardian angel out there -somewhere- watching out for me because as soon as it looks like I'm about to swallowed by the darkness that is straining to hold me in its embrace, there is a light, a slight clearing beckoning me to come towards it, and what else could I do but go in that direction?


As far as I can remember, the second month of every year brings this cloud over me that I can barely brush off. February, the supposed love&happiness month, brings me down to my knees. It's when memories and my past collide in such a way that I'm amazed I haven't imploded yet from the sheer destruction that waits for me on the other side... if I don't go towards the light, I feel trapped. However, even though I yearn to go towards the light, a part of me will always feel as if I've already given up and that part the darkness eagerly embraces and each year, I lose another part of me and I don't know if it's even possible to bring any of those parts back.

The light itself can feel as if its cage. I don't do a lot of things because I don't want to be considered a bad person, but what is a bad person really? What's a good person? All definitions are subjective. And I'm trying to be more objective about everything. I want to see both sides... I want to hear both sides of the story before making my mind, but I know how I work, and sometimes, I've already made up my mind even though I may not be aware of it myself.

There are parts of me that not even my best friends know exist. I say that I want to be real with everyone that crosses my path, but in fact, I hide me so much that I don't even know where me the one I show to everyone and me the one no one has seen start and end. I find it hard to open, but there have been some lucky few who have seen glimpses of me. And I know now that only one of those few even deserved to see me for who I really am.

I despise being used because it's what I'm good for; and that hurts me more than anyone can ever know. I despise being told that I'm beautiful because I don't see it; I'm expressive, yes, but beautiful? I just don't see what's beautiful about me; I think I'm just me, no descriptive words required. I despise being told anything that remotely resembles a compliment, but I've learned to say thank you and if the occasion calls for it, I will give a compliment back.

I'm complicated, but to be completely bereft of any kind of walls, I am really simple. I want the most basic things. Material things come and go, but what I want? They are, more or less, essentials. And I have never, ever been able to just have those essentials. I've come close, but somehow, I end up losing still.

Is it so bad to want it all? To have both career and love? To be successful and well-liked? Is it even possible to just accept things as they are? There are things I need to know about my past that could very well hold the keys to what I need. I need some sort of validation, a proof. Questions swirl around in my head, and I never seem to find the answers.

I guess for now I have to be content with who I am. I am confused for the most part, but I can act so put together, as if I know what I'm doing, when really I don't. I have a smile on my face, but no one really looks closer to see if it reaches my eyes. I am on my own, and I'm tired of being all on my own. I'm tired of looking for answers that I may never get, tired of just being.

I want more, and I know I deserve more. It's the how do I get there that stalls me... I don't want to hold back any more; I want to show who I am, but at what price? I don't want to lose any more of me. I'm tired of sharing and not getting anything in return.

I'm reaching my limit, and still, I end up giving when I should pull back.

I was told once that I need to stop caring so much for everyone, that no one should shoulder such a weight only on their own, and I remember saying that I would love to share this weight, but no one in their right mind would willingly volunteer to do so, not even you.

I can be selfish. I can be mean. I can be many things, but I choose not to... I am and will always be just me. There's so much that I want to show, but I don't. I don't open up any more, even though I say I want to be real. I can't afford it. I'm tired of always showing the world who I am, who I can be, and not get anything back.

There's someone who brings a smile to my face... Dr.FastandFurious probably doesn't even notice how bright my light is, how I glow whenever I'm around him or whenever I think of him. I can't help my reaction; I've denied myself for so long that sometimes, it doesn't even feel as if it's possible... but I'm beginning to accept it may just be one-sided. I shouldn't have but I did and I'm falling incredibly fast; it's amazing how fast, and I don't regret it. I just wish I could know how he feels.

I'm afraid of failure, of disappointing anyone and the weird thing is that I'm so used to disappointments and failures that whenever I succeed or do something right, I feel as if something will happen to wipe all that goodness away. I'm so afraid of love that I push away, that I distance myself because to me, it just means I'm going to get hurt, and I don't want to get hurt any more.

I'm afraid of good things coming my way because I'm not used to it happening. I have this warped sense of reality; I perceive it differently and I know that won't change. I expect the worst, never understanding when something good happens.

I am me... I may be lost, might even be stuck in-between shadows and light. I may lose more of myself. All I know is that I am me. Just me.

my biggest enemy is me

But, I'm also my biggest fan. So, how can it be both enemy and fan?

I hold myself back for the most part. It's the cautious part of me, and I've learned that being cautious isn't bad, but sometimes, I wonder if I didn't hold myself back on some things, if things would be different now.

I think I have a great destiny ahead of me. One of which I don't plan on letting go any time soon, but again, I hold myself back, and it's beginning to irk me.

I did take a leap of faith quite recently, and I'm still trying to figure out if this jump was even a good one. I like the jump, but it did take a lot from me, and now, I'm distancing myself, but at the same time, I keep the lines of communication open. Basically, I want to keep going, and find out where this goes, but waiting is not one of my strengths. I'm working on it, but I just .... /sighs

I don't regret taking the leap of faith at all, but that was a lot of courage. And I have no idea if I have any more courage left to keep going.

I'm in no hurry, but I'm also not very patient. I need to do something. Now, I want to do something at this moment, but again, that cautious side of rearing its ugly head again, and I want to figure out how I can get there sooner. Yea, I know. I'm throwing aside my cautious side, but at the same time, I don't want to let go of my cautious side just yet...

/sighs

I don't know what to do. I want to wait, but I want to make things happen now. What do I do?

Do I wait or do I try and shake things up?

decisions, decisions

I told a friend of mine yesterday [or was it the day before? I can't remember] that I wasn't going to blog today. But, as it turns out, I am blogging, and why am I blogging? Well, I'm bored for one, and another, I think I just made the wrong choice.

I was offered to go to a pretty kick-ass university for a law school interview. And this kick-ass university happens to be THE dream school I got into [well, I had a couple of dream schools that I wanted to go to (and got in) for college, but didn't go because of reasons that I'd rather not go over again because to this day, I still wonder the what-ifs] before, but I never went, and imagine my surprise when I get a call from them asking me to come in for an interview for their kick-ass law school.

it is not an easy task, though

Had I said yes -- there would have been no doubt in my mind that I would have given both jobs my notice, and started packing; though, law school would not have started until August, and I would've used the money I would have received from selling all of my things minus essentials & clothing [and maybe some other things as well] to find a place, and find a part-time employment [though, not really tooting my own horn here, but I would've received some kind of financial assistance in lieu of loans AND scholarships] before the three grueling years of law school started. Just thinking about it ... sends shivers down my spine. Because I would've been going on the path that I have been wanting to take since I realized being a singer would not have filled my appetite of changing the world so that when I died, a part of me would live on because I don't just want to leave my ashes; I want to give a part of myself to this world that has given me so much.

Anyways, this time I made the decision to not accept... because it would have been such a hassle in getting off from both jobs, and I can't financially go and live out on my own [well, I can but where the law school is located at, omg, I would have to sell a kidney to the black market to survive about a few months' worth of rent because no one is hiring in that part of the country unless I would not mind getting paid shitty and getting shitty hours, too]. And the biggest thing that's holding me back? Myself.


I'm holding myself back because I'm afraid of failing. Well, it's not that I'm afraid of failing; I'm afraid of making myself hope for too much. You see, I'm used to disappointments. Failure is something I'm used to, and that is something I'm trying to change, but change used to scare me, too.

This time, as much as I want to go to law school now, I would have a horrible time in landing a job after I graduate. The job market has not been good to newly graduated lawyers [and some of the newly minted lawyers I know are going back to school to get their paralegal certification].

So, if you didn't get that, yes, I said no to the interview at the kick-ass law school even though they were offering such a sweet deal: expenses paid including flight, hotel stay, & they threw in a companion ticket (I would've taken Dr.FastandFurious with me)!! Yes, I know. I could have just said yes, taken him with, and go to interview and enjoy the metropolitan city & free hotel + meals. It would've been a nice mini-vacation. [[And I really, really need a vacation]]

:sighs: I'm trying to convince myself that this is the best way to go because I would've certainly lost my job(s) had I said yes to going and hell, it wouldn't have been for certain that I would have been accepted [[haha, who am I trying to kid here?! I would so have been in...]] It's just that being wait-listed in a couple of law schools here in Indiana... it has a certain quality of making me think that I'll never get to law school, which of course, is a load of bullshit because I will get in, just not this year, which means I get to take LSAT all over again.

Thinking over it now.... the law firm I work for would have let me go, but it wouldn't have been PTO. And the other job I have, well, that's a maybe because I'm suppose to ask 2 weeks in advance if I can't work, and yea, I guess it would've fallen in that time frame... but sighs.


I guess I'm a coward after all.

Poor cowardly lion ...

thinking out loud ...

Dear Dr.FastandFurious*,

I find myself thinking about you* a lot, and this has been happening for awhile. Well, maybe since we met, and that wasn't too long ago, either! It's as if you've insinuated yourself in my brain, and there's no easy way to get you out... I often wonder if you think of me in the same intensity that I do of you. Probably not, because no one can multi-task like I can :winks: I have several things going on and I can keep track of them all. But when you enter the stream, it's like everything else doesn't matter, and that is what scares me. 

...I know how I feel about you; it's obvious to everyone. It wasn't as obvious to me in the beginning, but I'm learning to accept it. One of these days I might just tell you, and not have you just "infer" ... when I said that I wished I had met you sooner, I meant it.

I'm so into you that I fear that I might smother you so I have began to distance myself. 

Walking away when really I should stay, right? :shrugs: I think I said that I was getting used to not seeing you (you said that's not good [we've had this same conversation twice now, and you said the same thing both times], and I'd really like to see you more. To get to know you more. To just be with you. And even as I type that, I'm perfectly fine with not seeing you all the time [because you're always on my mind]. I crave the physical closeness, but what makes me come back to you is the size of your intellect. Your conversation. Hearing your voice. Being in close proximity. And I have never let anyone close to me as fast as I did with you. 

You see, I have a problem with trusting people. I'm used to getting disappointed, and just being runner-up. Never really wanted first place, but I have this innate ability to being the center of attention. And I have never wanted to be someone's entire world because I've been there before, and that is an experience I'd rather not go through again. 

But with you... it's different. There's something I haven't discovered, and :shrugs: I don't know. What can I say? I do like puzzles, and you keep surprising me. You keep me on my toes, and I like that. You're definitely someone that I did not expect to cross paths with, and I wish I met you sooner. I really, really do. I really do like you. I like you a lot. And, I never - I never wanna hurt you. I think I love you.  

Whatever happens between now and the future, I'm glad we met. And even if you end up not catching me when I fall, because I am falling for you so fast and hard, I'll be okay. I will be fine. Because you have taught me something :smiles: 

Taking a leap of faith requires courage, and that's exactly what I'm doing. 

Sincerely,
Mai Toast 
*He will be mentioned frequently as either Dr.FastandFurious, drfast&furious, or docfnf or something along those lines, but just let me point out: this person is awesome. Such an impressive individual, and I'm very lucky to have him in my life.

life & everything else in-between

I started a new job this year, and I'm currently working as a paralegal for a small consumer law firm. It's been overwhelming, but admittedly enough, it has also been fascinating, [&hello, information overload for my poor brain]. Second job starts in full force in February so good bye free time.... or something to that effect. /shrugs

Anyways, nothing in life is easy, and mine has been quite a ride -- those of you who know me in real life know this. I've had constant struggles with mine. Yet, amidst all of this, I still have goals in mind --- take LSAT [score expires this year] again, register for LSAC [DONE btw!], get into law school no later than 2015 so I can graduate no later than 2018 [or if I were to do part-time evenings, 2019], be a kickass rockstar lawyer, get married& maybe have a kid or two or just adopt, become a DA, achieve amazing things, and eventually, become THE Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court, etc ... I can't plan too much ahead. [I'm more of an outline person myself. Penciling things in at the last moment. I feel as if my spontaneous side has come back. And it's been fun].

If I have learned anything in the last year, it's that you can never expect when something (or someone) will come into your life and change how you view it. A part of me wishes I met some people in my life sooner. To have known them sooner would have been ... rewarding.

Last year was a lot of changes and acceptance. This year has a lot of beginnings... and I'm thankful for everyone in my life. You have all made a difference in mine.