Monday, May 09, 2011

such an amazing actress i am

I've been on auto-pilot the past few weeks ever since I got the bad news, and the thing is, I don't really show it because well, that's just me. And I keep getting asked if I am okay, and I just smile and nod that I am, when really I am not because again, I don't want to let down my guard because I don't want to get hurt, right? But, it came to me that if I were to continue this thread of distancing myself from everyone, eventually someone is going to notice and call me out on it.... thankfully it hasn't happened, yet, but I have a feeling it will. And with how my luck is going lately, I'm probably going to lose another person or two or several this year because it seems every year, someone else closer to me bites the dust because of cancer or some other lame disease, or a natural disaster takes them away, or hell, they decided to be selfish and commit suicide, and really I don't mind doing that myself because I just don't want to care any more, but I don't because I can't, and a lot of people would be mad at me if I were to do that so I don't and aside from all the chaos that is raining down on me, I still get up in the morning, and very grateful that I am breathing. 

Is it too much to ask to just be nowadays? I feel as if I'm running low and quite frankly, I'm operating on fumes. I don't know how others do this on a daily basis. I have a big family because the extended also talks to the main branch, which is weird considering how so much backstabbing goes on and gossiping, too, so it's weird. 

I haven't really cried... I've lost too much this year, and I have no idea when the luck will change for the better. Though, if you were to take a look at me at this moment, the pain is all there to see. Just one gaze into my eyes... I have big bags under my eyes. I don't want to tell anyone how I feel, or open up but I find myself being coerce to, because a lot of people care, which I don't quite understand but okay. I appreciate it. 

Today is my cousin's viewing, and tomorrow, there's a mass for her at 10am followed by the funeral. She was only 44 years old. She wasn't that older than me, and she had so much life within her that it's so unfair. She was always smiling even though she herself may not be feeling well. 

I find myself doing the same... smiling even though I don't feel it. But I do it anyways for everyone else. Because I don't know what to say when I'm asked if I'm okay so I smile in response or infuse some real sincerity in my voice when I say I'm okay or I'm fine when I'm not. 

However, I do know that I'm a mess. I don't know how to get out of this, either. I want to know if things will get better, and if there will be a cure some day for cancer, and if I'm going to lose any more people in my life this year because I don't know if I could handle that. I have been treading water for so long that my legs are tired, and I just want to succumb, but I don't know why I'm still here. 

I really don't know any more... 

I guess the whole losing weight is kinda cool lol. I feel smaller every day, and yes, I do eat, but not enough I guess. Just enough to get by to be honest. I suppress the urge to regurgitate more often than not, though.