Saturday, February 05, 2011

it gets shorter and shorter...

The past couple of months I've been getting my hair cut ... first time my tresses went under, I took off 9 inches. Second time, I had 2 more inches taken off. And now, I think I might get it as short as :::

I don't know if I can commit to something that short because styling it would be such a hassle.
This hair cut I can do... my hair falls like that anyways without any styling products. 

Or just cut it this short, definitely wash-and-go
 Right now, my hair isn't that short. It's shoulder-length, but it grows so fast. And it's not like I haven't had short hair before because I have.
this was taken in 2006 at my apartment in Broad Ripple...
this is how short my hair is right now...
and I'm kinda missing the long hair but my hair does grow fast ...

So, what do I do? Do I let it grow out, and then cut it short? Or cut it short now and then let it grow out? For some odd reason, I prefer my hair shorter during the colder months, and longer during the summer months ... yea, it doesn't make sense.

Friday, February 04, 2011

i am ...

Whenever someone poses the question, "who are you," my immediate response is usually I'm me; who else would I be? But, lately -particularly these last few months-, I have been drawn more to the deeper side of that simple question:

Who am I really?

I'd like to think I know who I am - that I'm me and no one else, that I'm an only child, that I've surrounded with friends and family, etc. But, that's really not an answer, either, and so, I circle back to the question: who am I? Who do I think I am?

I feel as if I'm lost in the woods, and my dumb ass self didn't leave a trail of pebbles to follow back, but breadcrumbs that have long been swept by the wind or have been consumed by various creatures that inhabit the forest. Everywhere I look, I see more forest and shrubbery, and the noises that come out at night are scary and unfamiliar to my untrained ears. I clutch my cloak securely around my small frame. The slight breeze strokes my cheek in a careless caress that I can't help, but wonder if there really is a guardian angel out there -somewhere- watching out for me because as soon as it looks like I'm about to swallowed by the darkness that is straining to hold me in its embrace, there is a light, a slight clearing beckoning me to come towards it, and what else could I do but go in that direction?

As far as I can remember, the second month of every year brings this cloud over me that I can barely brush off. February, the supposed love&happiness month, brings me down to my knees. It's when memories and my past collide in such a way that I'm amazed I haven't imploded yet from the sheer destruction that waits for me on the other side... if I don't go towards the light, I feel trapped. However, even though I yearn to go towards the light, a part of me will always feel as if I've already given up and that part the darkness eagerly embraces and each year, I lose another part of me and I don't know if it's even possible to bring any of those parts back.

The light itself can feel as if its cage. I don't do a lot of things because I don't want to be considered a bad person, but what is a bad person really? What's a good person? All definitions are subjective. And I'm trying to be more objective about everything. I want to see both sides... I want to hear both sides of the story before making my mind, but I know how I work, and sometimes, I've already made up my mind even though I may not be aware of it myself.

There are parts of me that not even my best friends know exist. I say that I want to be real with everyone that crosses my path, but in fact, I hide me so much that I don't even know where me the one I show to everyone and me the one no one has seen start and end. I find it hard to open, but there have been some lucky few who have seen glimpses of me. And I know now that only one of those few even deserved to see me for who I really am.

I despise being used because it's what I'm good for; and that hurts me more than anyone can ever know. I despise being told that I'm beautiful because I don't see it; I'm expressive, yes, but beautiful? I just don't see what's beautiful about me; I think I'm just me, no descriptive words required. I despise being told anything that remotely resembles a compliment, but I've learned to say thank you and if the occasion calls for it, I will give a compliment back.

I'm complicated, but to be completely bereft of any kind of walls, I am really simple. I want the most basic things. Material things come and go, but what I want? They are, more or less, essentials. And I have never, ever been able to just have those essentials. I've come close, but somehow, I end up losing still.

Is it so bad to want it all? To have both career and love? To be successful and well-liked? Is it even possible to just accept things as they are? There are things I need to know about my past that could very well hold the keys to what I need. I need some sort of validation, a proof. Questions swirl around in my head, and I never seem to find the answers.

I guess for now I have to be content with who I am. I am confused for the most part, but I can act so put together, as if I know what I'm doing, when really I don't. I have a smile on my face, but no one really looks closer to see if it reaches my eyes. I am on my own, and I'm tired of being all on my own. I'm tired of looking for answers that I may never get, tired of just being.

I want more, and I know I deserve more. It's the how do I get there that stalls me... I don't want to hold back any more; I want to show who I am, but at what price? I don't want to lose any more of me. I'm tired of sharing and not getting anything in return.

I'm reaching my limit, and still, I end up giving when I should pull back.

I was told once that I need to stop caring so much for everyone, that no one should shoulder such a weight only on their own, and I remember saying that I would love to share this weight, but no one in their right mind would willingly volunteer to do so, not even you.

I can be selfish. I can be mean. I can be many things, but I choose not to... I am and will always be just me. There's so much that I want to show, but I don't. I don't open up any more, even though I say I want to be real. I can't afford it. I'm tired of always showing the world who I am, who I can be, and not get anything back.

There's someone who brings a smile to my face... Dr.FastandFurious probably doesn't even notice how bright my light is, how I glow whenever I'm around him or whenever I think of him. I can't help my reaction; I've denied myself for so long that sometimes, it doesn't even feel as if it's possible... but I'm beginning to accept it may just be one-sided. I shouldn't have but I did and I'm falling incredibly fast; it's amazing how fast, and I don't regret it. I just wish I could know how he feels.

I'm afraid of failure, of disappointing anyone and the weird thing is that I'm so used to disappointments and failures that whenever I succeed or do something right, I feel as if something will happen to wipe all that goodness away. I'm so afraid of love that I push away, that I distance myself because to me, it just means I'm going to get hurt, and I don't want to get hurt any more.

I'm afraid of good things coming my way because I'm not used to it happening. I have this warped sense of reality; I perceive it differently and I know that won't change. I expect the worst, never understanding when something good happens.

I am me... I may be lost, might even be stuck in-between shadows and light. I may lose more of myself. All I know is that I am me. Just me.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

my biggest enemy is me

But, I'm also my biggest fan. So, how can it be both enemy and fan?

I hold myself back for the most part. It's the cautious part of me, and I've learned that being cautious isn't bad, but sometimes, I wonder if I didn't hold myself back on some things, if things would be different now.

I think I have a great destiny ahead of me. One of which I don't plan on letting go any time soon, but again, I hold myself back, and it's beginning to irk me.

I did take a leap of faith quite recently, and I'm still trying to figure out if this jump was even a good one. I like the jump, but it did take a lot from me, and now, I'm distancing myself, but at the same time, I keep the lines of communication open. Basically, I want to keep going, and find out where this goes, but waiting is not one of my strengths. I'm working on it, but I just .... /sighs

I don't regret taking the leap of faith at all, but that was a lot of courage. And I have no idea if I have any more courage left to keep going.

I'm in no hurry, but I'm also not very patient. I need to do something. Now, I want to do something at this moment, but again, that cautious side of rearing its ugly head again, and I want to figure out how I can get there sooner. Yea, I know. I'm throwing aside my cautious side, but at the same time, I don't want to let go of my cautious side just yet...


I don't know what to do. I want to wait, but I want to make things happen now. What do I do?

Do I wait or do I try and shake things up?

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

decisions, decisions

I told a friend of mine yesterday [or was it the day before? I can't remember] that I wasn't going to blog today. But, as it turns out, I am blogging, and why am I blogging? Well, I'm bored for one, and another, I think I just made the wrong choice.

I was offered to go to a pretty kick-ass university for a law school interview. And this kick-ass university happens to be THE dream school I got into [well, I had a couple of dream schools that I wanted to go to (and got in) for college, but didn't go because of reasons that I'd rather not go over again because to this day, I still wonder the what-ifs] before, but I never went, and imagine my surprise when I get a call from them asking me to come in for an interview for their kick-ass law school.

it is not an easy task, though
Had I said yes -- there would have been no doubt in my mind that I would have given both jobs my notice, and started packing; though, law school would not have started until August, and I would've used the money I would have received from selling all of my things minus essentials & clothing [and maybe some other things as well] to find a place, and find a part-time employment [though, not really tooting my own horn here, but I would've received some kind of financial assistance in lieu of loans AND scholarships] before the three grueling years of law school started. Just thinking about it ... sends shivers down my spine. Because I would've been going on the path that I have been wanting to take since I realized being a singer would not have filled my appetite of changing the world so that when I died, a part of me would live on because I don't just want to leave my ashes; I want to give a part of myself to this world that has given me so much.

Anyways, this time I made the decision to not accept... because it would have been such a hassle in getting off from both jobs, and I can't financially go and live out on my own [well, I can but where the law school is located at, omg, I would have to sell a kidney to the black market to survive about a few months' worth of rent because no one is hiring in that part of the country unless I would not mind getting paid shitty and getting shitty hours, too]. And the biggest thing that's holding me back? Myself.

I'm holding myself back because I'm afraid of failing. Well, it's not that I'm afraid of failing; I'm afraid of making myself hope for too much. You see, I'm used to disappointments. Failure is something I'm used to, and that is something I'm trying to change, but change used to scare me, too.

This time, as much as I want to go to law school now, I would have a horrible time in landing a job after I graduate. The job market has not been good to newly graduated lawyers [and some of the newly minted lawyers I know are going back to school to get their paralegal certification].

So, if you didn't get that, yes, I said no to the interview at the kick-ass law school even though they were offering such a sweet deal: expenses paid including flight, hotel stay, & they threw in a companion ticket (I would've taken Dr.FastandFurious with me)!! Yes, I know. I could have just said yes, taken him with, and go to interview and enjoy the metropolitan city & free hotel + meals. It would've been a nice mini-vacation. [[And I really, really need a vacation]]

:sighs: I'm trying to convince myself that this is the best way to go because I would've certainly lost my job(s) had I said yes to going and hell, it wouldn't have been for certain that I would have been accepted [[haha, who am I trying to kid here?! I would so have been in...]] It's just that being wait-listed in a couple of law schools here in Indiana... it has a certain quality of making me think that I'll never get to law school, which of course, is a load of bullshit because I will get in, just not this year, which means I get to take LSAT all over again.

Thinking over it now.... the law firm I work for would have let me go, but it wouldn't have been PTO. And the other job I have, well, that's a maybe because I'm suppose to ask 2 weeks in advance if I can't work, and yea, I guess it would've fallen in that time frame... but sighs.

I guess I'm a coward after all.
Poor cowardly lion ...

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

the future can be yours

Imagine for a moment your own version of a perfect future.
See yourself in that future with everything you could wish for
at this very moment fulfilled.
Now take the memory of that future
and bring it here into the present.
Let it influence how you will behave from this moment on.

bring on the second wave ...

pretty ...

Or not. I much prefer warm weather to this cold, icy crap that's falling from the sky right now. Oh! I finally got my vehicle free!
That's my roommate's boyfriend, Alex, chipping away on the ice covered windshield
And look at the streets:
You can literally skate from this side of the street all the way down...
not that I've tried or anything :smiles:

Thick enough to skate on except it's not smooth so if anyone has a Zamboni that I can borrow, that would be amazing.

ice ice baby ...

Round 1 of this snowcalypse ended, and so, I bundled up and made the short walk from bedroom to outside. This is what greeted me.

My roommate's vehicle and mine ... encased in ice.

The tree branches look beautiful, though, being coated in ice and all.

Frozen plants...
And walking on this ... felt like an Elf from Lord of the Rings. I was jumping up and down trying to crack it, but no, just wouldn't give. Felt weightless for once in my life [not that I'm fat or anything, but yea, I'm extremely conscious of my body weight. Maybe that's why I work out&run a lot.]

So, I attempted to get into my car ....  no such luck. Guess I'm staying home.
Vlad is just "chilling"

Can't get in >.< key refuses to turn /sighs 

is the world ending?

Is it really? Because of all this ice/freezing rain/sleet/snow/precipitation? Ha. No, the world is not ending. It's just another Indiana winter. It's not something we haven't seen ... there will always be snow/ice/freezing/sleet during winter here in Indiana, unless for some odd reason, it's incredibly warm with sunny skies and a slight breeze... wait. What was I talking about? Oh, right. World ending. Yea, it's not.

though, this picture says otherwise ;)
At least not yet... but with bad weather + bad driving conditions = bad dumb ass drivers. Yea. Also, there's more precipitation arriving on Tuesday afternoon so the commute home will totally suck.

See how far that trail of vehicles go?
Yeah. Imagine that on 465... no me gusta.

Just remember:

Be safe everyone.

Monday, January 31, 2011

i want to help you but please, don't lie to me

So, I work for a small consumer law firm... our clients are an interesting lot of people, but what bothers me the most are the people who owe our clients money.

Granted, yes, I know the economy sucks, and everyone has suffered in one form or another; but really, some of these debtors could go jump a bridge and I wouldn't care. [Well, I would care, but only a little.] Some of these debtors deserve to win an Oscar for some of the lies that they say. They all seem to think that a medical excuse grants them a free pass [or in some cases, the debts have magically disappeared because a fairy godmother paid it off for them (which has happened once to one lucky debtor whose godmother did pay for her debts that incurred while she finished her vet school -debtor had no clue she owed some big company money and her godmother stepped in. lovely story really; wish I had a godmother like that!]. They also like to say that they never received a letter about this debt and why should they pay for it if they never told that they owed, etc (which really how could you forget you owed money to someone? hello: if you use a credit card, the balance on it doesn't magically disappear, you moron).

Loads of shit, I tell you. Especially the ones who say they never received a letter because a) it so happens that I wrote the letter that was sent to you so, yes you did just lie to me, b) you were sent a few letters indicating that yes, you do have a debt, and yes, you do have to pay it back and yes, if you don't pay for the debt, your wages can be and will be garnished because the court says so.

I feel bad for them, but at the same time, I don't because who in their right mind doesn't pay back an enormous amount of money? Here's a clue: if you pay it back as soon as you have the money, you don't have to worry about the interest accruing or hell, being taken to court because you didn't pay in the first place. [Also, this will cut down the bullshit I hear when your dumb ass calls in giving me a sob story about your daughter whose boyfriend is cheating on her and how your daughter wants to murder this other girl... etc etc.]

I've been on the other side of this. I've had collection agencies call me before about debts* and you know what? Some of these collection agencies truly want to help you. Not all, but some really do, like the small consumer law firm that I work for [we don't just handle these types of cases, but we also handle other cases, too, and I wish we didn't have to handle divorce cases for they are downright depressing].

Anyways, this ends my rant [for right now] about debtors and their damn stories.

*My naive self didn't know that my then ex-fiance opened accounts under my name, and when I graduated college, ha, was that eye-opener or what. And yes, I'm still working on paying those debts back. Consider this as a lesson learned the hard way.

just be

The simple things are 
also the most extraordinary
but only the wise can see them.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

just keep going

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions.  
What if they are a little coarse,
and you may get your coat soiled or torn?
What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice?
Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.

thinking out loud ...

Dear Dr.FastandFurious*,

I find myself thinking about you* a lot, and this has been happening for awhile. Well, maybe since we met, and that wasn't too long ago, either! It's as if you've insinuated yourself in my brain, and there's no easy way to get you out... I often wonder if you think of me in the same intensity that I do of you. Probably not, because no one can multi-task like I can :winks: I have several things going on and I can keep track of them all. But when you enter the stream, it's like everything else doesn't matter, and that is what scares me. 

...I know how I feel about you; it's obvious to everyone. It wasn't as obvious to me in the beginning, but I'm learning to accept it. One of these days I might just tell you, and not have you just "infer" ... when I said that I wished I had met you sooner, I meant it.
I'm so into you that I fear that I might smother you so I have began to distance myself. 

Walking away when really I should stay, right? :shrugs: I think I said that I was getting used to not seeing you (you said that's not good [we've had this same conversation twice now, and you said the same thing both times], and I'd really like to see you more. To get to know you more. To just be with you. And even as I type that, I'm perfectly fine with not seeing you all the time [because you're always on my mind]. I crave the physical closeness, but what makes me come back to you is the size of your intellect. Your conversation. Hearing your voice. Being in close proximity. And I have never let anyone close to me as fast as I did with you. 

You see, I have a problem with trusting people. I'm used to getting disappointed, and just being runner-up. Never really wanted first place, but I have this innate ability to being the center of attention. And I have never wanted to be someone's entire world because I've been there before, and that is an experience I'd rather not go through again. 

But with you... it's different. There's something I haven't discovered, and :shrugs: I don't know. What can I say? I do like puzzles, and you keep surprising me. You keep me on my toes, and I like that. You're definitely someone that I did not expect to cross paths with, and I wish I met you sooner. I really, really do. I really do like you. I like you a lot. And, I never - I never wanna hurt you. I think I love you.  

Whatever happens between now and the future, I'm glad we met. And even if you end up not catching me when I fall, because I am falling for you so fast and hard, I'll be okay. I will be fine. Because you have taught me something :smiles: 

Taking a leap of faith requires courage, and that's exactly what I'm doing. 

Mai Toast 
*He will be mentioned frequently as either Dr.FastandFurious, drfast&furious, or docfnf or something along those lines, but just let me point out: this person is awesome. Such an impressive individual, and I'm very lucky to have him in my life.