Thursday, June 02, 2011

so, a plus and a negative equals what exactly?

Today, no... retract that. The past few days have been a mixture of good and bad news. It's like whenever I received good news, I would also get bad news. It's as if there is a constant yang to whatever yin presenting itself to me. 

And I don't get it. Why can't I just get good news? Why does it have to be paired up with bad? Like always. 

I can't function like this... I could and have been trying, but whenever I feel as if I'm finally getting things to go up, something cancels it out by being a downer. A constant smack to reality is what I'm beginning to call it. 

I get that my life is constantly changing, that there is always some kind of progress going on. I get that, really I do, but what I don't get is how there's always some kind of chaos. When will I get the stability I crave?

The one thing stable in my life -not counting important people and essentials- would be my constant headache that will always become a migraine, and will always feel as if it'll bring me down to my knees, praying to someone who may not even exist. 

My faith has always been this force in my life... I do believe, but as I grow older, I find myself questioning and not believing as readily as I used to. I don't know how to solidify that once-strong foundation on faith because it has let me down so many times. Though, I always say I believe in God because I do, but there is this seed within me that grows ever taller, and I can't shake it. So, I question... my reasoning skills have become sharper whereas my faith has began to shrink.

And I feel as if it's continuing in that path, but I don't want it to, so I begin to fight myself. I feel as if I'm at war not only with myself, but with other opposing factors. /sighs 

So, is it really greedy of me to want to have more good news? 

I like to think I'm a pretty positive person, but even I, gets down on more than one occasion. I'm human, after all. I'm not SuperWoman, nor would I like to be. I just want to be me. 

I tell my closest friends that I am okay, because I don't want to worry them. Same goes for my family. I've gotten pretty good at lying. My smile even comes out genuinely! But, it's getting harder each day to pretend that I'm okay. 

The walls I built around me ... I don't want to keep everyone out, but there are those who should just stay around the perimeter. Why? Well, because I know that once those walls come down that I stand a 100% chance of getting hurt again, and I don't want to get hurt ever again. I just don't. But, even as I type this, I know that I've already opened the gate to someone... a few to be exact hold a key to who I really am, and so far, it's been -for the lack of a better word- okay. 

I just ... don't want to hurt anyone when I go. And I know that's hard to do. Why is it that when we get close to others that even with our best intentions, we end up hurting them anyways?

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

the month of awesome has arrived

It's finally June!

We're halfway done with 2011... and what a year it has been. Mine has been filled with sadness, but I have amazing friends who won't let me sink into depression, and I have family members who keep me going so it's all good. 2011 might just be my year [though, I've said that to myself the past few years, but haven't really declared it out loud.]

Smiling and keeping busy are two of what I've been doing lately. I can't help, but smile! I love life, and every day, there's something different and beautiful that always brings a smile to my face.

So... the year is halfway done, and then, it'll be 2012! How time flies.... so, soak up the sun's rays while its Summer, lay back, and enjoy :) Eat, drink, and be merry.