Today...

I told my mother the reason why I have been "sick" ... That it wasn't because I had a cold or a flu. I mean it could be -- I do have a weakened immune system. But it's partly because of the chemo.

I'm more exhausted. I cannot help it. It's like I cannot get enough rest no matter how much I get.

In any case - I don't like feeling weak. Or be seen as weak. I don't like crying. All of this is tiring, exhausting. And it is going to be an entire year. I have done my first one already. Only eleven more to go. But still.

I don't want to.


But I don't want to give up, either.

What do I do?

So ...

It is now September.

I started chemo on the last Friday of August - and I'm still recovering and I'm exhausted. Still. I'm not sure if my body will get used to this. If ever.

I supposedly have beaten it, but with one test result - things changed.
With that one -- it all changed and I have had to change plans. And now the waiting begins once more.

I have been instructed to keep a journal. Of sorts. But I really don't want to write how I feel pain, or how I can't keep food down, or how I just don't feel hungry. I don't feel any better though it has only been one treatment ... And it is scary. Very. I'm scared. What if it doesn't work? What if I also have to do radiation?

There's so many things ... So many different factors.

I feel alone but at the same time I know I'm not. I'm not giving up, but it feels like I should. It would be so easy to.