Monday, November 14, 2011

a rant .. of sorts

So many things end up changing that I'm not sure if I can handle it.

I feel like I'm losing ... I'm not on the winning side any more it seems.

I guess I'll just keep going and try to figure out what I can do to hold on to some things and learn how to "go along" with other things.


Saturday, November 05, 2011

Remember, remember the fifth of November ...

[I'm going to be incredibly random in this post because right now, I really don't know what I'm thinking, but what I'm feeling is quite intense. I'm not sure what to make of it.]

It's November, and pretty soon it'll be December. And then, it'll be the year 2012.

I don't know why, but all day today -rather yesterday since now it's 11/5- I have been feeling quite "off" ... it's been weird needless to say.

I'm not sure what to say. I had this entire post that I wanted to say, but I guess it just won't come. I don't know why I find it hard to open up. Sometimes, I'm in a conversation and I know what I want to say, but something else comes out, and it just ... I guess it hurts that I myself can trust myself to open up. It makes me wonder what else do I have buried deep within me because I'm not helping myself any. I end up hurting people I love and care for.

It seems to me that I have a pattern of self-destruction, and it has decided to resurface.

You know, if I had were still with that one guy, it would've been our ninth year anniversary this coming Sunday. And I'm not saying I want to be with him; we were totally wrong for each other. But if we were... what a milestone that would've been! Since that relationship, I haven't stayed with anyone for more than two years... I find myself floating. He was the first person I really opened up, too, and well, I'm still ... I don't know.

I wonder too many what-ifs. I just want to curl up somewhere and hide. I guess, in a way, I do that anyways. There are people in my life who want to get close, and I'm such a tease, and let them think they are getting close, but really, they aren't because I only say so much, and then, I clam up.

I'm just ... I really shouldn't be this closed up, but I find myself to be. That first cut was the deepest, and I'm uncertain if I ever recovered from that. I like to think I do, but it's just ...

I used to write all the time: all my thoughts, feelings, dreams, and hell, stories and poetry and songs, and nowadays, I just ...

I don't have my best friend from college any more. I'm not wearing the rose-colored glasses any more. I don't have the fairy tale I once dreamed. I don't have a lot in terms of quality, but nor do I have a lot of quantity. I've been quite selective with who I befriend, with who I call "friend" and everything else in-between.

I want the primary things in life: to be loved and love in return. And sometimes, it is easier to say that than to do.

I really don't know where my mind is at the moment. There's a burning within me for something, and I just can't point my finger on it. It's like I'm missing something important and it's right there in front of me and I just can't touch it.

Today was just not my day. I may need a day to myself or something, just explore. To think. To reenergize.

Friday, October 21, 2011

october is almost over ...

And you know what? Winter will be arriving soon.

So, tonight I find myself wondering why I didn't go with my boyfriend and his cousin to the haunted house. I just didn't feel like it. I miss being with my boyfriend; our work schedules just doesn't match up.

I felt like being alone, and now, I feel lonely. /shrugs

I miss my friend ... actually, I miss a few friends. But I miss her the most. We were best friends in college, and we haven't spoken for about three years now. I don't know why I miss her, but we use to be two peas in a pod.

Oh well.

Monday, October 03, 2011

Holy moley, it's October already!

It's the third day of October to be exact, and I less than three this month. You know why?

It's almost time for the World Series! [And yes, I'm a huge baseball fan :)]

I fell in love with baseball during the 1996 World Series... and with each following year, I have fallen in love with baseball more, and with one specific team: the New York Yankees.

... and this is where I'll end that because I don't want to incite a flame war on my blog.

Anyways, it's October. I have two weddings to go to this month, and they happen to be back-to-back weekends, too. I'm looking forward to them because a) I get to be with my guy for two weekends in a row :)

We hardly see each other because of different work schedules and he goes to school, too, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. But, we make it work, somehow.

This past weekend, my friends and I went apple-picking and then, in the evening, we convened again and partied like rock stars! I met a friend's alter ego when he's drunk. I tasted my best friend's cake pops, which were amazingly delicious. I spent an entire day with my guy :huge grin:

Oh! I also had a fingerprint session last Friday for a job that pays better than my current job; now, I have about a month to wait before training starts. Then, two weeks of training, and then, I find out what my schedule is going to be. I'm excited. Hopefully, the job won't be too bad.

Random tidbit: I love this season. :D

Thursday, September 22, 2011


Today is Nanay's death anniversary. My aunt Lourdes, better known as Nanay, passed away in September 22, 2004.

She had breast cancer, but beat it. However, it had spread to her lungs before any of her doctors could find it.

I remember going along with her to her treatments, being surrounded by death in that building. It's not a memory I'd like to remember because I accompanied her a lot on those visits.

And I just can't believe it has been this long...

That day will always be engraved in my head. I received the call while I was just getting out of my class... it was one of many classes that I took with Professor Garrity. And I remember collapsing in the doorway when I finally listened to the voicemail that was left to me, telling me that she had passed away.

I still get tears in my eyes.

...we miss you. I miss you, Nanay. I hope that wherever you are, you are doing okay. We wish that you were still with us.

Friday, September 09, 2011

where do you see yourself in five years?

In all of my interviews, I have been asked that question. And my answer? Well, it has always been the same; however, I'm finding that perhaps that's not the right path for me at all.

Look at me: I have a degree that I have yet to use, and in a job where I enjoy my co-workers company, and don't mind the work, but I don't love it. I don't love my job. I like it... but it feels like a "for now" type scenario, and not a career.

And that's what I eventually want, right? Actually, I don't know. For me, after being out in the workforce for a few years now, I don't know exactly what I want to be. I find myself toying with several different ideas, and all the different ideas lead to me my wanting to help people... but I don't know how to do without losing myself in the routine-ness of the job.

Does that even make sense? I used to dream of being a writer, a best-selling novelist, and lately, my dreams have been as confusing as my life. Nothing makes sense.

My skills set is pretty diverse. I don't really have a strong point in any of them... I just don't know. And the reason why I'm writing this entry right now is because I had recently gotten off the phone with a potential employer, and that job is nowhere near my skills set right now. If I get hired, it would be a new skills set that I'll be learning... something new to add to my already quite diverse resume.

I had a direction at one point in my life... I don't know why I'm still stuck. Guess I'm a perpetual learner of new things.

But my answer before to that question was hopefully out of law school, possibly engaged to be married, and perhaps a lot closer to finding an editor and publisher for my written work. Though, to be quite honest, I don't know if I even have that spark any more.

I miss being on stage, in theatre and learning lines and songs if it's a musical. I miss knowing or at least I thought I knew what I wanted to be ... I miss the self-confidence. The "I can do anything" attitude.

Right now? I'm not quite content, but I'm not unhappy, either.

It just feels as if I'm stuck... and I don't like that feeling.

I just want to keep going, but I don't even know if I'm heading in the right direction. I feel lost, and the last time I was lost... well, I made it out of that somewhat intact.

Who knows where I'll be in five years. Who knows where the world will be then... who knows indeed.

Thursday, September 01, 2011

oh look at that:

It's September... how time flies!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

a little bit introspective - a reflection

Piano Duel [from Jay Chou's The Secret, part 2 of 11)

Ever since I can remember, I've had this fascination with music... always singing, and at times, off-key, and always dancing without even realizing it. I got better, though, in curbing my fascination with music, and now, I have a constant playlist playing in my head. But, sometimes, it slips out... whistling under my breath one moment, and the next, humming, which, in turn, becomes a song blossoming in my heart -- and sometimes, it escapes my mouth. Kinda embarrassing when it happens, though, especially at a crowded airport [I've done this twice now. Thankfully, I sang on-key and received applause :)].

Anyways... I've always had a fascination with music. I guess you could say that I've had the same fascination with the written word, which is why I majored in English Creative-Writing in college. I love reading and writing. I don't really like writing papers or doing research, but I'll do it. I much prefer writing poetry, short stories... I loved to write. And nowadays, I barely write :( I just haven't found the inspiration to write any more. I've even lost the motivation to be keep working on my written stuff, too. /shrugs

It seems to me that back then, when I was down/depressed/just didn't have good luck, I wrote better. You could say that my writings are somewhat tied to my emotions, and these days, I keep a tight hold on mine. I wrote to release all of that, and now, I don't even let myself... I used to write frequently in my Xanga blog, but again, just don't have the inspiration to do so of late.

With all of that said, I have reread some of my stories and journal entries, and I've realized that I've changed, possibly grown, but I still retain that reckless me, and I've hurt some people in my life unintentionally. I've let down some people, too. And I've met some new people who brings a little more sunshine to my life, and I'm very grateful for that.

Even though I'm going through a rough patch in my life right now, I know that I have people in my life that I can count on to help me keep going ...

Friday, August 05, 2011

it's been one, hot summer

Of all the years I can remember being in Indiana, this year has to be the HOTTEST year ever.

But, it's been a jam-packed summer! I went to the Indianapolis 500 for the first time, and that was a lot of beer imbibed. Vacationed in Virginia for a bit. Went to Evansville for 4th of July weekend and met a couple of his fraternity brothers. Went to my boyfriend's family reunion the weekend after 4th of July, and well, met his entire family :) Went to my first country concert -- Tim McGraw, Luke Bryan, and the Band Perry. Won tickets to a free Live Nation concert [Mayhem festival], which I cannot go because I'm headed out of town for a wedding the same weekend.

And this upcoming weekend, I'm going to my third wedding this year. Here's hoping I don't catch the bouquet in this one, too. At my friend's wedding in June, I had actually caught the bouquet, but I let it go and my friend's cousin got it. I've caught it once already this year (the wedding I went to in April, caught it there), and I really don't need to catch it any more - though, after this wedding, there's three more to go. My boyfriend's frat brothers are getting married left and right... all of them in October.

Job-hunting ... well, it goes.

My headaches have been less frequent (thank God), but yea... realizations come and go, but mine stay. They always stay. But you know what? Live, laugh, and love.

I'm feeling more like myself these days, but I'm not the same.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

new perspective

There are some things in life that I guess I will never have, and usually, I'm okay with that. But, these days I find it hard to remain positive and upbeat, and I don't like it. 

I'm slowly becoming apathetic, losing my once effervescent, energetic self to whatever I am now. 

I find myself floating amongst my friends. I don't feel grounded, and I have become less attached. 

There are days I leave my cell on vibrate, and at times, find myself choosing who to respond to when I receive a text. And most calls go straight to voicemail. 

I find myself revisiting moments that have occurred, and reminiscing memories... but just this once, I'd like to have what I want. Is that too much to ask? 

I have this need to cry and I'm afraid I'm actually going to, and my once stoic, aloof me ... well, she hasn't been around for quite some time. I'm emotional. I can't help it, but think. And thinking just gets me sad. 

Realizations aren't hard to come by for me any more. I get them more and more every day, but it makes me sad. I don't like being sad. 

And tears? I cry more inside than I let show. There's more to me than what the eye can see.  

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

if i die young - the band perry

on the floor

... lately, I feel very disconnected. To everyone. Not just my family, but also my friends. At first, I thought it was because I was gone for a couple of weeks. But, I think it's more than that.. and I really don't know.

I'm trying to feel as if everything is okay. I dislike how I'm putting up a front that I am okay. But, I guess to me it makes sense... I don't want to cause any worries.


I don't really have someone I can talk to, I mean I do but I don't. Everyone has their own thing going on. And I want to be there for them.

I just can't help but think, that someday -sooner than later, which is out of my control- that I won't be. But, I made a promise to myself: to not think about that. To just live. Each, single day. I don't want to be depressed. A smile will be on this face. No point in getting sad.

Just gotta keep chugging.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

i get a little bit stronger ...

I find myself writing more these days. Maybe it's because I have more to say, or perhaps I have more thoughts in my mind. I'm not really sure, but I've always been able to write down my thoughts, and somehow, I feel better.

These days, though, it's a mix of feeling better and feeling worse, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. The past few days I've discovered more things about my family and my past ... and though it hasn't answered my questions about my biological parents, I find that instead of feeling calm, I feel more in turmoil and I don't like the feeling.

I try to put it aside, but I can't help it. It's weird. I feel ... strangely disconnected. And I know I'm not prone to depression, but I feel myself slipping in that direction. I know that I have cried more than I ever have this year than I ever have, but I've had some important people in my life taken away by a natural disaster, and disease. I cannot help that I could have been there for them somehow, but I don't know how I could have helped, either.

As for my past, I've been wondering about my birth mother and father since I first discovered I'm adopted. It's one of those catch-22s I guess because I never really thought about it, until puberty hit and more so now because I don't have my father to walk me down the aisle whenever I get married... the woman who raised me, mother, she and I aren't close, but I am truly grateful for everything she's done for me. It's just ...

Too much thinking done, and I miss home. I miss being in his arms where I feel safe and wanted. I don't want to say the "l" word, but yea... I miss my friends. I miss home. This family has raised me... not just mother or my nanny, but everyone, and yes, I am thankful for everything each of them has done for me, but I feel more at home when I'm with friends... and I feel at home when I'm with him. Didn't even feel that way with Dr.FastandFurious or W.

For all I know, though, it could just be because we're still in the honeymoon phase of our relationship... I don't know. Who knows.

I'm a jumble of thoughts and emotions, and I feel lost. I want to find my way out of this, and I just don't know if I could do it on my own.

... Craig David's song "Unbelievable" comes to mind... maybe it is unbelievable. /shrugs

Saturday, June 11, 2011

a little cleaning up was necessary

I deleted some entries and I might delete an entire month full of posts to be quite honest...

I started this year full of beginnings, and some of those beginnings had unforeseeable endings, but I'm still here, going strong and getting better.

I have a pocket full of hopeful dreams, and a smile that has yet to leave my face. Though, yes I have been doing a lot of pretending lately, and those who are close to me know why. Anyways, enough about that.

So, July looms rather quickly, and I have more weddings to go to with B *smiles* Personally, I like weddings; I just hope the bouquet doesn't get tossed towards me again. Or land near or on my feet. I do wonder when my wedding will happen, and I assure you, it'll happen... I just don't know when.

I want to get settled down... have a steady job that hopefully I don't hate, and a place that I can call home... perhaps someone to come home to...

I have had so many dreams of late that I can hardly wait for any of them to come true.

Does it make me a greedy person if I want it all? A career, a man I love... I want it all. But, most people put one before the other in importance whereas I want both and equally find both love and career important, and I strive for both, which really could be my downfall but it could also been seen as one of my strengths.

Right now, I'm missing home... and counting down the days until I go back.

Friday, June 10, 2011

oh, the things i learn

I learned some more things about my past today... and I'm not sure how to feel about it, but I know one thing for sure that I have more respect for mother.

And oh, that I'm more like her, even though we aren't blood, than I ever knew.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Meeting the family

Meeting the family ... always scary, right? Well, my cousin, whom I'm visiting, brought it up that she -as well as the rest of the family- would absolutely love to meet B.

Tentative meeting place is at Journey on 96th St... a joint celebration of two birthdays and a wedding anniversary.

Ever seen the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Well, that's my family except we're Filipinos.

Personally, I'm scared... I don't know if B is ready to meet everyone -and when I say "everyone" it is more or less the immediate, extended family- but my cousin has given out the invite to me to give to B.

I'm not sure if B can go since he has one of his brothers with him still that weekend so if it's a late lunch, it is a maybe, but if it is dinner, it may just work out. Who knows. I don't know.

But, I for one, am scared for him to meet everyone because well, I just ... I really, really want everyone to like him.

I think it's just that I'm more or less nervous about him meeting everyone. My family's dynamics are weird at best. Don't really have a word for it... We have this "we're put together" front to the public, but no, we really aren't. I guess everyone has their own problems, you know. My family, though, ... I don't know. I'm not close to most of them, but maybe a handful, well, less than a handful. Can't really be too close to people who will hurt you; though, for the most part, its unintentional. I have a lot of relatives who lack tact. And I'm sensitive.

I know that when B meets the family, especially mother, that I will have to be at my best behavior... my family has this amazing ability to make me feel very insecure about myself. It is a constant battle I hope to win ... being at war with my family is something I've dealt with my entire life. I haven't won many battles, but the few victories have been worth it.

Anyways, I have digressed a bit...

I feel as if slowly but surely I'm opening up... and that itself is scary. /shrugs

I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, even if it's heavily-guarded.

Love this :)

lightning strikes when it wants to

So, how is everyone doing? I haven't been regularly posting as I used to, but what can you do? These days, I have more to say, but I find myself at a loss for words...

I find myself in a new relationship with someone who is smitten with me, which works well because I fancy him back. It's just ... weird, you know? To have someone who shares the same intensity as I do, and sometimes, more than I do, but he's better at hiding it than I am.

The relationship is pretty new, practically at that "honeymoon" stage, but personally-speaking, I'm hoping for a great outcome.

I know how I am, though. When I fall, I fall hard... and it's getting harder trying to not to get attached, and I know very well that I am getting there. Slowing down ... I'm trying to put the brakes, and he's not pressuring me, either, but a part of me feels as if it's too soon to be feeling the way that I do, but lightning strikes wherever and whenever it wants to, and to say the least, I think I've been struck.

B makes me want to stay and leave at the same time... well, not him exactly but more or less, it's me being afraid of getting hurt. But, I'm trying. I'm trying and sometimes, my guard goes down on its own. My walls are crumbling slowly; the door to my heart isn't unbreakable... it's accessible, but I don't know if I want to give the key so easily... though, let's be honest here: I think I've already done that.

Knowing the difference between what's real and what's not is tricky. I was pretty certain that I was in love with Dr.FastandFurious, which in retrospect, I think I was but it definitely isn't the same feeling that I'm feeling for B... and I thought I was in love with W, and I was but again, the depth of feeling isn't the same as how I feel for B.

W had commitment issues, and Dr.FastandFurious put his education and career first. Me? I want it all: I want the love of a lifetime within my arms [or me in his arms] while we both strive for our career goals... while we work together in learning more about each other, sharing doubts, losses, and victories ... just me and him against the world.

B is different from both W and Dr.FastandFurious... and me with my usual self had no idea that he was interested in me. I was oblivious to it, but one Friday night changed all of that. And here we are ...

I'm not where I am normally; currently visiting cousins in another State, and I miss B. Like a lot. Probably more than I should, but I do. This island born/city girl is smitten with a certain country boy :) He doesn't likes to be called a teddy bear, but he's my teddy bear, my B.

Ha. I sound like a romantic, and perhaps I am, but I've never been a hopeless romantic. I like to think of myself as a hopeful one.

I'm not much of a planner, but I do like to be prepared for whatever else Life is going to throw at me. I have so much I want to do and experience, and so very little time to do it all.

I guess I should just sit back and enjoy the ride... or something akin to that. Anyways... Summer is here! Hot, sweaty days with cool, breezy nights.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

so, a plus and a negative equals what exactly?

Today, no... retract that. The past few days have been a mixture of good and bad news. It's like whenever I received good news, I would also get bad news. It's as if there is a constant yang to whatever yin presenting itself to me. 

And I don't get it. Why can't I just get good news? Why does it have to be paired up with bad? Like always. 

I can't function like this... I could and have been trying, but whenever I feel as if I'm finally getting things to go up, something cancels it out by being a downer. A constant smack to reality is what I'm beginning to call it. 

I get that my life is constantly changing, that there is always some kind of progress going on. I get that, really I do, but what I don't get is how there's always some kind of chaos. When will I get the stability I crave?

The one thing stable in my life -not counting important people and essentials- would be my constant headache that will always become a migraine, and will always feel as if it'll bring me down to my knees, praying to someone who may not even exist. 

My faith has always been this force in my life... I do believe, but as I grow older, I find myself questioning and not believing as readily as I used to. I don't know how to solidify that once-strong foundation on faith because it has let me down so many times. Though, I always say I believe in God because I do, but there is this seed within me that grows ever taller, and I can't shake it. So, I question... my reasoning skills have become sharper whereas my faith has began to shrink.

And I feel as if it's continuing in that path, but I don't want it to, so I begin to fight myself. I feel as if I'm at war not only with myself, but with other opposing factors. /sighs 

So, is it really greedy of me to want to have more good news? 

I like to think I'm a pretty positive person, but even I, gets down on more than one occasion. I'm human, after all. I'm not SuperWoman, nor would I like to be. I just want to be me. 

I tell my closest friends that I am okay, because I don't want to worry them. Same goes for my family. I've gotten pretty good at lying. My smile even comes out genuinely! But, it's getting harder each day to pretend that I'm okay. 

The walls I built around me ... I don't want to keep everyone out, but there are those who should just stay around the perimeter. Why? Well, because I know that once those walls come down that I stand a 100% chance of getting hurt again, and I don't want to get hurt ever again. I just don't. But, even as I type this, I know that I've already opened the gate to someone... a few to be exact hold a key to who I really am, and so far, it's been -for the lack of a better word- okay. 

I just ... don't want to hurt anyone when I go. And I know that's hard to do. Why is it that when we get close to others that even with our best intentions, we end up hurting them anyways?

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

the month of awesome has arrived

It's finally June!

We're halfway done with 2011... and what a year it has been. Mine has been filled with sadness, but I have amazing friends who won't let me sink into depression, and I have family members who keep me going so it's all good. 2011 might just be my year [though, I've said that to myself the past few years, but haven't really declared it out loud.]

Smiling and keeping busy are two of what I've been doing lately. I can't help, but smile! I love life, and every day, there's something different and beautiful that always brings a smile to my face.

So... the year is halfway done, and then, it'll be 2012! How time flies.... so, soak up the sun's rays while its Summer, lay back, and enjoy :) Eat, drink, and be merry.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

holy stupidity batman!

It's rapture day? ... um, yea, whatever.

Anyways, the month of June -the month of awesome- approaches. Like soon. As in after this week, it's JUNE! Lots of birthdays and general goings on-ness [quite certain that isn't a word, but it is now].

So, the last month has been filled with eye-opening changes and scandalous developments ... to be quite honest, I still care for Dr.FastandFurious but I'm doing exactly what he wants me to do, and I'm moving on. It feels nice. And crazy at the same time because of the speed of the current relationship, but it doesn't feel wrong, though, so I'm enjoying the ride. The hows and whys of how I'm still here boggles me, but again, not questioning it.

I love life. Love living each day more and more, and I end up wishing for more time. /sighs

Who knows where I'll be in the next few months. Right now, I'm enjoying the view and the journey to whatever destination I'm headed has been quite fun.

Monday, May 16, 2011

searching ...

Most days, I feel as if I'm searching for something that I wasn't even aware of that I've lost, and it makes no sense to me because I didn't know I had lost something to begin with. Granted, I have lost quite too many loved ones this year and it's only in its fifth month. And I have opened myself up to others while I have closed the connection to some... and some days, I just want to go. Where I'm going is a complete surprise because I don't know where I would go, but I just want to go. And leave. Just be somewhere else than here. 

I'm tired of "here" ... and I don't know, but every year, I get the urge to leave. To pack up and just go. To have this insane idea of selling everything I own and leave for somewhere else. I feel like I don't really belong anyways. I feel as if I'm always on the outskirts of something, and where I'm supposed to be is anywhere else, but here. 

I feel incredibly lost. Thankfully, I'm a great pretender. I pretend things are okay when really they aren't. But I pretend anyways. I pretend because it's easier to smile than having to explain why I'm sad. 

Is it bad that I just want to go? Is it bad that I want to in the next chapter of my life already? Is it bad that I want to be left alone to my thoughts most days even though I know it is more dangerous than it is safe? Is it bad that I want to push everyone away because damn it, my guards weren't supposed to be down and I don't want to expose myself any longer... it's like I'm at war with myself. 

Then again, I've been at war with myself for the longest time. And there has been no sign of a ceasefire happening any time soon. 


Monday, May 09, 2011

such an amazing actress i am

I've been on auto-pilot the past few weeks ever since I got the bad news, and the thing is, I don't really show it because well, that's just me. And I keep getting asked if I am okay, and I just smile and nod that I am, when really I am not because again, I don't want to let down my guard because I don't want to get hurt, right? But, it came to me that if I were to continue this thread of distancing myself from everyone, eventually someone is going to notice and call me out on it.... thankfully it hasn't happened, yet, but I have a feeling it will. And with how my luck is going lately, I'm probably going to lose another person or two or several this year because it seems every year, someone else closer to me bites the dust because of cancer or some other lame disease, or a natural disaster takes them away, or hell, they decided to be selfish and commit suicide, and really I don't mind doing that myself because I just don't want to care any more, but I don't because I can't, and a lot of people would be mad at me if I were to do that so I don't and aside from all the chaos that is raining down on me, I still get up in the morning, and very grateful that I am breathing. 

Is it too much to ask to just be nowadays? I feel as if I'm running low and quite frankly, I'm operating on fumes. I don't know how others do this on a daily basis. I have a big family because the extended also talks to the main branch, which is weird considering how so much backstabbing goes on and gossiping, too, so it's weird. 

I haven't really cried... I've lost too much this year, and I have no idea when the luck will change for the better. Though, if you were to take a look at me at this moment, the pain is all there to see. Just one gaze into my eyes... I have big bags under my eyes. I don't want to tell anyone how I feel, or open up but I find myself being coerce to, because a lot of people care, which I don't quite understand but okay. I appreciate it. 

Today is my cousin's viewing, and tomorrow, there's a mass for her at 10am followed by the funeral. She was only 44 years old. She wasn't that older than me, and she had so much life within her that it's so unfair. She was always smiling even though she herself may not be feeling well. 

I find myself doing the same... smiling even though I don't feel it. But I do it anyways for everyone else. Because I don't know what to say when I'm asked if I'm okay so I smile in response or infuse some real sincerity in my voice when I say I'm okay or I'm fine when I'm not. 

However, I do know that I'm a mess. I don't know how to get out of this, either. I want to know if things will get better, and if there will be a cure some day for cancer, and if I'm going to lose any more people in my life this year because I don't know if I could handle that. I have been treading water for so long that my legs are tired, and I just want to succumb, but I don't know why I'm still here. 

I really don't know any more... 

I guess the whole losing weight is kinda cool lol. I feel smaller every day, and yes, I do eat, but not enough I guess. Just enough to get by to be honest. I suppress the urge to regurgitate more often than not, though. 


Thursday, May 05, 2011

You will be missed...

My cousin died today. Last year, Tita Madre died today, and today is her first death anniversary.

I think the ugliest word is cancer. And it has taken away too many of my loved ones.

I'm usually resilient, but I'm already feeling as if I'm drowning. I keep telling myself to keep going, and even though I cannot help myself, I can be there for my family.

Tita Cathy, I miss you. 

Sunday, May 01, 2011

One more month...

It's almost the month of June, the month of "awesome" approaches!

Not much else to say... too many things have happened, and well, sometimes I feel as if I'm drowning on land. My friends keep me afloat, and I really appreciate that. I have no idea how else I would have survived without my friends.

DrFastandFurious is ... well, he is himself. And I'm still me. /sighs but you know what? I am trying... not sure where I'm going exactly, but I am enjoying the journey.

Saw Fast Five!!!! It was so amazing, and I want to see it at least a few more times. :)

And Thor comes out soon; gonna be seeing that soon.

I do hope this May will be less painful; I'm having such a bad year, and it's only the fifth month. Thanfully, I'm a survivor. At least, I like to think I am.

Friday, April 22, 2011

my most dearest wish

You would think would be that my head would stop throbbing, which I guess it could be that but my most dearest wish isn't that...

Those who are close to me, closest to my heart, knows what it is... too bad it may never happen with how things are going for me. I feel as if I'm very light these days, that a strong wind can pick me up and blow me over.

That doesn't appeal to me, but it's how things are, I guess. I used to have an anchor, but ... I don't know.

I put up this strong front that I'm okay, that things will get better. I'm trying to hold myself together so the people around me who I care for won't feel what I'm feeling, but it does slip out. And I wish I knew how I could make it better, but I don't know how so instead, I float alongside the current to see where it may lead me, when all I want is ...


Monday, April 18, 2011

some me time was in order

Today was a day that I didn't have to go into work as the new project that I'm currently signed up for starts on Tuesday, and Sunday night was filled with movies!!! MOVIES. This movie addiction that I have acquired from Dr.FastandFurious. 

Anyways, I watched the Amityville Horror, the remake ... and no me gusta scary movies. No thanks. Then, watched the Other Guys, which was hilarious! Watched some Scrubs episodes, The Last Kiss, and ended it with Ghost, but didn't finish because I fell asleep. 

And this glorious off day on a Monday ... all I did was clean up the room, start laundry, download songs on iTunes, and sleep. Until now, because I was awaken and reminded by my ticking bomb that hey, just coz you're having fun doesn't mean you get to forget me /sighs ha. As if I could ever forget its presence.


I love watching movies and cuddling on a couch. The best part, for me, was that it was a good guy friend who had no interest in getting into my pants. Because that is the last thing I need right now. All I want from everyone is friendship. I cannot afford to get into anything else at the moment, even though I would not mind getting involved with someone at the moment. I just can't do it. I shouldn't do it because I haven't moved on and without my permission, my heart has decided it wants to wait for DrFastandFurious, and I have no idea if I'm waiting in vain or not. Guess I'll know a year from now...

The dreams of mine are going to drive me crazy.... I guess my subconscious really wants me to get married and have children. Or its my internal clock speaking. I don't know. For me, it is something that I want to happen, but not any time soon. Friendship is what I'm concentrating on.

To be honest, I wouldn't mind disappearing. To just be gone, and maybe forgotten. I don't know... to not be here any longer. 

The last few weeks, I've been feeling like this. As if I should just pack up and go. I'm not sure where I'm going, but I'm certain I wouldn't mind being just gone. I might be missed. Who knows... maybe no one will notice that I'm no longer around.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Coldplay's Scientist

ignorance is bliss

Or so I've heard, and sometimes, yes, being ignorant and not knowing sounds like a fine recipe for disaster. With that said, I would love nothing more to be ignorant now. I know things that hurt me on a daily basis because of the fact that I know of their existence. For instance, what I have laying in the back of my head, this ticking bomb of absolute ending, which may or may not happen this year depending on its rapid, frequent growth. True, I may be covering up the pain and hurt that I feel with a smile, but smiling is the only defense I have against spiraling completely out of control, which some could say, I'm already doing.

No, I'm not okay. Dr.FastandFurious asked me that last night, and my answer was a smile. It's easier to just smile and laugh it up when the reasons lay thick on your tongue. But, no, I can't. I don't say a word because even when people say they care, sometimes that's a lie, too.

I had deactivated my Facebook. Shocker, right? No. It was either deactivate or delete certain people out of it or put those certain people on limited profile.

I caught the bouquet a few weeks ago, and the entire month of March was full of events that yea, my brain cannot compute. My heart certainly is full of emotions. My clothes barely fit; I really should get some pants that do or belts that don't break.

I need a reset. I want to not know what I have that's ticking ever so slowly, patiently waiting to go boom, and my last day may be a day that I don't even know. Actually, I don't know so each day to me is a treasure; it's a treat because I have another chance. I can honestly say I love waking up in the morning, to still be breathing.

I want it to be last September again, when I was more carefree. True, a relationship ended, and W and I went our separate ways, and I don't regret that. What I do regret is jumping so soon into the dating scene, and well, look where that landed me...

I have amazing friends in my life. My family may drive me crazy, but they are my family. Crazy fun times have been had with hopefully more to come. But with all of that, I only need one thing, and well, that's not happening any time soon.

My eyes say it all. My heart feels it all. My head just cannot understand.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

thinking is one dangerous pastime

And again, I find myself wondering... when does it get better? I look around me, my room is a mess. Kinda resembles the inner workings of my own head to be quite honest. Because on the outside, what the world sees isn't me. It's a part of me. I never quite did share who I am with anyone close in my life.

I did that once, and I got burned, and that pain lingers still ... true, the past remains in the past, but it's such an awful reminder of what has happened. I want to open up, I do, and I guess the moment my guard goes down, well, things that were going so well end up going down the crapper. No, I'm not bitter. Just being realistic.

I think my biggest problem is that Dr.FastandFurious and I were never friends. With that said, lovers first then friends later usually don't turn out so well. And I'm having that dilemma now because in a way I agree: what I need from everyone is just their friendship. Relationships are simple, but for the most part, it's never the right time. And I wonder when will it be the right time?

Right now, what I need is someone to be there when I need assurance, that things will work out, someone to counter my obvious pessimism. Friends can provide that. I need someone who will go out with me and just laugh at whatever, have fun. Friends again.

There are some things friends cannot provide, though, because then the line between friendship and who-knows-what gets blurry. Open relationships are like being friends, but with feelings honestly shared. I don't want to lead anyone on, but as it is, I'm already not putting a 100% for I'm still fixated and irrevocably stuck where I am, and a part of me wishes that I never met him.

[Though, I was asked the other day if I were to choose to do whatever it is I'm doing now or just writing Dr.FastandFurious out of my life, which would I regret more: staying or going, and I didn't even hesitate. I don't want to write him out of my life, but staying where I am is destroying me. I put up this smile for everyone to see, but really, if you look into my eyes, and actually look at me, you'll see. I'm barely here.]

However, I don't do casual. I don't share me intimately unless I know I'm dating just this one person... I don't know if I'm making sense. I can't possibly start a new relationship with anyone, knowing my head and my heart are already thinking of someone else so, yes friendship is what I can only offer.

And just because I flirt doesn't mean I'm interested. I need to tone down my personality because that way, no one will get the wrong idea.

I know what I want. I know where I want to go... it's the getting there that I'm having difficulties with, and in order for me to actually "be" with someone, I have to let down my guard.

I'm just not ready to; in the grand scheme of things, I cannot. Not right now.

Monday, April 04, 2011


"We are not the same person this year as last;
nor are those we love.
It is a happy chance if we, changing,
continue to love a changed person."

Sunday, April 03, 2011

just smile...

This weekend has been a blur!

I saw Dr.FastandFurious on Friday... and I don't know. I just don't know. On Saturday, I went to a wedding where I caught the bouquet... I find myself thinking now if I will ever get married. And you know for April Fool's Day, I put up on Facebook that I was engaged when really I wasn't but hey, it's April Fool's Day so why not, right?

I find it weird that I happen to catch the bouquet the following day ...

Is it really true that when you catch the bouquet that it's your turn next? Because really I find that hard to believe because I'm not even seeing anyone. There IS someone I think of constantly...

so I don't know. I just don't know. However, tonight I find myself crying, and I don't quite understand why. I mean, I do, but at the same time, I'm perplexed.

Why can't things be simple?

And I had that same dream again... 519am four days in a row. I find it odd that I keep seeing this little girl and this little boy.. and the little boy crawled into bed with me, while the little girl was staring at the floor where I had my bag laid open with the bouquet that I caught that night at the wedding reception...

I have no idea what my subconscious is trying to tell me. I'm just so confused.

It's as if someone is leading me in a dance and I don't know what the steps are, but somehow, I'm still following... but why? Is it because of how I feel? I don't know. I don't like being confused.

I'm next?

Guess who caught the bouquet...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

for those wounded in love [from Coehlo's blog]

Convention for those wounded in love  from Paulo Coehlo's blog :)

I've italicized certain parts ...

General provisions:
A – Whereas the saying “all is fair in love and war” is absolutely correct;
B – Whereas for war we have the Geneva Convention, approved on 22 August 1864, which provides for those wounded in the battle field, but until now no convention has been signed concerning those wounded in love, who are far greater in number;

It is hereby decreed that:
Article 1 – All lovers, of any sex, are alerted that love, besides being a blessing, is also something extremely dangerous, unpredictable and capable of causing serious damage. Consequently, anyone planning to love should be aware that they are exposing their body and soul to various types of wounds, and that they shall not be able to blame their partner at any moment, since the risk is the same for both.
Article 2 – Once struck by a stray arrow fired from Cupid’s bow, they should immediately ask the archer to shoot the same arrow in the opposite direction, so as not to be afflicted by the wound known as “unrequited love”. Should Cupid refuse to perform such a gesture, the Convention now being promulgated demands that the wounded partner remove the arrow from his/her heart and throw it in the garbage. In order to guarantee this, those concerned should avoid telephone calls, messages over the Internet, sending flowers that are always returned, or each and every means of seduction, since these may yield results in the short run but always end up wrong after a while. The Convention decrees that the wounded person should immediately seek the company of other people and try to control the obsessive thought: “this person is worth fighting for”.
Article 3 – If the wound is caused by third parties, in other words if the loved one has become interested in someone not in the script previously drafted, vengeance is expressly forbidden. In this case, it is allowed to use tears until the eyes dry up, to punch walls or pillows, to insult the ex-partner in conversations with friends, to allege his/her complete lack of taste, but without offending their honor. The Convention determines that the rule contained in Article 2 be applied: seek the company of other persons, preferably in places different from those frequented by the other party.
Article 4 – In the case of light wounds, herein classified as small treacheries, fulminating passions that are short-lived, passing sexual disinterest, the medicine called Pardon should be applied generously and quickly. Once this medicine has been applied, one should never reconsider one’s decision, not even once, and the theme must be completely forgotten and never used as an argument in a fight or in a moment of hatred.
Article 5 – In all definitive wounds, also known as “breaking up”, the only medicine capable of having an effect is called Time. It is no use seeking consolation from fortune-tellers (who always say that the lost lover will return), romantic books (which always have a happy ending), soap-operas on the television or other such things. One should suffer intensely, completely avoiding drugs, tranquilizers and praying to saints. Alcohol is only tolerated if kept to a maximum of two glasses of wine a day.

Final determination:
Those wounded in love, unlike those wounded in armed conflict, are neither victims nor torturers. They chose something that is part of life, and so they have to accept both the agony and the ecstasy of their choice.

And those who have never been wounded in love will never be able to say: “I have lived”. Because they haven’t.

so many options, only need just one

"Do I expect too much from people? Do I have 'jerk me around' written on my forehead? All I ask of a partner is that he considers me in his future plans. Is that too hard to achieve?

I'm so tired, so disappointed in people right now. Am I to blame? After all, I'm the common denominator. I'm jaded, and maybe bitter. I hate this game."

(from mystic_sapphire's Xanga blog)

She summarized it neatly... really tired of this game. I have so many options. I only need just one. But, I concur with her, and find myself asking the same question: do I expect too much from people? Because I know I have high expectations of everyone. And am I to blame? I do seem to be common denominator.

I need someone who challenges me intellectually... intelligence is a huge turn-on for me, but I don't need someone who is an asshole about it. Arrogance is fine in small doses. I don't want someone whose ego is bigger than his head, because really who wants to be around someone like that? And I need someone who I am attracted to both physically and mentally, because not to sound shallow, but I like to know that the person I'm with takes care of himself. I don't want someone who constantly does bad things to their body [which I know I do because I drink and smoke socially] or doesn't take care of their body at all [and I'm a victim of this, too, because I don't think I don't exercise enough, and I forget to eat on a daily basis, but yea, I want someone who can take care of themselves because I will not be your mother]. And I need someone who can keep up with my pace because I will not slow down for anyone.

But, all things considered, I thought I found that someone, and well, I was wrong, so really? Do I expect too much from people?Am I to blame?

/sighs ...

Thursday, March 17, 2011

we're all dying the minute we come out of that womb

It's true.

Depressing, right? Wrong. It's reality. Whether people die because of natural disasters happening, or of natural causes like just being old, or because of selfish reasons like suicide, people DIE all the time.

I'm coming off as a heartless bitch, aren't I? Ha. I wish I could be a heartless bitch, but damn me and my emotions. Ever since the tsunami hit Japan...

eventually, I will cry and let it out. I always end up crying and letting it out. But right now, I'm numb, and a damn good actress. With the exception of a few people, no one knows how close I am to losing my composure. I hear some of his favorite songs, and not even a tear can squeeze through my almond-shaped eyes.

I don't know why, but this is hard. Today hurt. I've lost too many good friends in the span of a few months, not even a few months. Two for selfish suicidal reasons, and this most recent loss happened because of an earthquake-inspired tsunami.

Half of me wonders if it would have been better had I thought he was still one of the missing... he was a strong swimmer. And the other half is glad to know that he is no longer missing, but no longer of this plane of existence. He's gone. My friend Will is gone.

I get too close to many people, and really, I don't know if I could this any more. I care way more than I should, but my friends are a part of my life. And sometimes, they are my family. And this, losing Will... it felt like I lost a part of me.

A huge part of me because he was always there [when there's a Will, you'll always have me is what he always said... guess no one should use the word "always" either] .... and now he's gone.

Just gone.

Happy birthday, Will. I miss you.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

unfamiliar territory

I find myself in an unfamiliar territory again ... and Beyonce's "Broken-Hearted Girl" is on repeat in my head followed by Radiohead's "Lotus Flower", "Thinking of You", "Paranoid Android", "You", which are followed by Keri Hilson's "Knock You Down", Nate Dogg & Warren G's "Regulate", Tiesto's "Just Be", Rammstein's "Du Hast", Jamie Foxx's "Fall For Your Type", Chopin's various etudes ...

It's like I have a soundtrack...

But this unfamiliar territory I speak of is very brand-new to me.

I feel as if I'm drowning and I'm on land. Vaguely hanging on. Threads. Pieces of me are falling. My energy is not where it usually is and whomever stole my energy needs to give it back. I don't like this. I don't like this feeling, and I wish to hell that I can just spread my wings and fly away.

And just go and be anywhere else but where I am.

Is it so bad that I just want to break down and give in? To just want to step over the edge and who cares where it takes me.... I just want o.u.t. I'm fairly resilient and adaptable, but the changes that are flowing around me are going way too fast, and this pace is going too fast, and I just need a break.

A break.

My anchor is gone for the time being or forever, not sure. My feelings haven't changed. I know he's not ready. I can't help but internalize everything but I feel as if I should vent, hit something, cry... something, but it is all being kept inside.

I can act like I'm fine, great, fantastic .... when I'm not. And yes, there is a rainbow after a storm, but that seems far away.

It seems all I do is wait, and I should act, but what should I do? I have options, but these aren't the options I want ..... I want oranges not lemons. I want coffee not energy drinks. I want you and no one else... who knows if that will stay the same the next several years. I'm open to dating others, but my heart is vehemently saying no, while my head is saying go and experience.

I don't want to do this any more. The one thing I'm certain of is the ticking bomb on the back of my head. That can go off any time. Hell, it might just happen sooner than anyone else is expecting.

AT least, I can say that I tried. I tried doing, and I took chances, and leaps of faith are awesome and all, but I guess perhaps this is my chance to focus on me, and a little less on everyone else.

And shopping... ugh. I detest shopping; but I'm losing weight and I need clothes that fit, not hang.

I really need a break. But, I'm going full-speed ahead.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

im doing it all wrong?

Lately, I've been thinking...

... and so far, some things don't make sense while others do. At this rate, I don't know if I should keep going and paddle along with the current, or if I should paddle against it. Quite frankly, I want to ... just be.

With that said, how is it possible that I can get into a kickass law school but not an in-state law school? It's beginning to piss me off. All of these offers to attend these kickass law schools are beginning to annoy me because a) because these law schools are practically tier 1 schools and they WANT me whereas b) the in-state law school -the ones that are financially in my range, mind you- don't want me/choose to wait-list me/admission counselors are as confused as I am of why I've been wait-listed ...

It's not like I did bad on the LSATs, and not to toot my own horn, but I did pretty well, and I really don't want to freakin' retake the LSAT but it sure looks like I'm going to because the in-state law schools just don't want me in ... and my GPA isn't bad, either, so really: where am I going wrong?

I worked hard for my score --- I'm an emotional, compassionate human being who is willingly putting her soul on the line for the next few years it'll take to mold me into a soul-sucking lawyer [but no, I'm not handing my soul over; instead, I'm going to partition a part of me in becoming a soul-sucking lawyer while maintaining who I am at the core because frankly, no amount of logic bullshit/law know-how will ever change me], and not a single in-state law school (at least the ones who have my LSAT scores, & other stuffz) want me.

It's like the state of Indiana is willingly letting me go to another state to get my law degree, and the chances of me coming back to this state would be less than .2% ...

... I've heard from other kickass law schools, and as much as I would love to go to any one of those or hell, one of them is my dream school, the debt I would acquire after those few years is just ... insurmountable. I'm already in debt, but it's workable. However, if I were to add to that debt with law school debt... just thinking of that makes my head spin.

I'm one class away from my certification, but you know what? With how this whole law school process is going for me, I might just "to hell with it!" and get my BSN; at least, I know with certain programs I can that done within two years, and yes, I might have to give up my law, but medical has always been in my blood... I just refused to acknowledge it all these years because everyone in my family is in the medical field either as a nurse or a doctor, and law was always were I was heading [though, moonlighting as a singer doesn't sound bad...]


Monday, March 14, 2011

the lover writes a one word poem ,"you"

Today, I was told by a complete stranger that I am smart, sexy, and beautiful. Then, was asked, "where have you been my entire life" ... being the polite person that I am, I told him thank you, but was unsure how to respond to his question.

It is true, though. I am smart, but most of the time, I downplay my intelligence. I play the "I'm averagely smart" card with a touch of "airheadness" a lot. I don't know why I do this, but it might be because some men are intimidated by intelligence. There is no way I can intimidate someone; not with my short stature [I'm only five feet tall] or my friendly disposition. However, when it comes to my being smart, I apparently have intimidated some boys in my life. The men I have come across enjoy the challenge.

...which brings up this question: am I conquest?

In my life, I have been told at least a few times that all I ever was to them was a conquest, and admittedly, I was offended (&thankful) by their honesty. No one wants to know that they are just another notch on someone's bedpost. And yes, I have been used way too many times, and somehow, I'm not as jaded or cynical. I still have hope [how ever minuscule that hope may be].

With all of that said, I have been told by friends, acquaintances, and coworkers that I'm a catch, a keeper. If I'm such a keeper, how come... /sighs too many questions swirl in my head.

If I'm all these things: smart, sexy, beautiful, a keeper, wifey material, etc .. how come no one stays?  ... it's very confusing. I'm not alone, but sometimes, I feel lonely. I'm surrounded by people I care for and who cares for me back, surrounded by loved ones. And yet, that sliver of loneliness creeps in... I wish I understood what it is about me that everyone loves about, but isn't willing to stick around OR if they want to stick around, I can't be their someone for I'm already taken... I can offer my friendship and that comes with a certain amount of loyalty, but my heart has been captured by someone else, and my loyalty to him knows no bounds. (And yes, we haven't been able to spend time together, but I understand and he trusts me.)

I guess perhaps what I should do is put my loyalty on reserve... maybe keep myself in check of sorts... I'm not sure. I have been taking leaps of faith here and there that I'm not sure where I am at the moment.

Also, I don't think I'm beautiful. I'm pretty or cute. Adorable comes to mind, but beautiful? I guess I'm not used to the adjective. And sexy? Really?? I'm sexy? ... /shrugs, maybe I just don't see it.

Monday, March 07, 2011

the difference ...

I find myself being more picky as I grow older in terms of who I hang out, what I want out of life, and what I need to do.

However, with that said, it's not always going to go "according to plan", which is why I have started to "pencil" things in because plans go awry. They do go wrong.

Lately, my future self has decided to grace me with her presence in my dreams. It's weird seeing me, but I never remember how I look like; I just know it's me, but an older, possibly wiser me. She keeps telling me to keep going, and not give up. And before I get to ask her in what, she answers and tells me not to give up in what I'm currently doing and give love a chance. I see that future me has a ring on her finger, and it makes me wonder to who...

Anyways, I figure it's my subconscious telling me to just keep chugging, to keep going wherever it is I'm suppose to be going. /shrugs Who knows.

What I know right now is that I'm beyond exhausted. Both jobs keep me busy, and having a social life is killing me, too, so I might have to stop for a bit with the social interactions. Although, tomorrow is Mardi Gras, and apparently, my group of friends are doing something. I can tell you right now that a pot or two of coffee will have to suffice for Ash Wednesday.

Is it bad that all I want to do is curl up with my Dr.Fast&Furious on his couch and watch movies all day? I know he's been incredibly busy, too.

Sometimes, I forget that I'm dating someone because we don't see each other, rather, we haven't seen each other since last month; last time I saw we saw each other was February 18, I think.... we had dinner together. And communication between us has been like a text conversation every few days or so. [Yes, unfortunately, my memory is impeccable and so, I don't forget much though with that said, I know that I have selective memory, too, but for the most part, I remember almost if not everything].

I'd like to have a vacation some time soon, but I have no idea when that will happen.... oh! I'm going to be a bridesmaid *smiles* I love weddings, but the whole thing scares me as well so no, I'm in no hurry to get married whatsoever.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

avec moi

"I'm a greedy person.

Not in a materialistic, buy-me-expensive-stuff kind of way, but in a lavish-your-time-on-me kind of way. However, the lavishness cannot be a daily thing, I imagine. And as much as I'd like to lounge around all day with him, we would have things to do, places to be, people to meet...


When he does spend time with me, I want him to focus on me and really be spending that time with me. ......Our time spent together, the five or fifteen minutes, the hour or three, needs to be something of worth, even if all we have to say to each other are brief endearments."
[written by ecilla/Xanga] 

some happy couple ....

With that said, I do like presents and will never turn them down, but really, all I want is more time, his time. We're both busy people juggling several tasks simultaneously, but it shouldn't be so hard to free time up, right? Wrong. Because whenever either is free, the other one isn't. Or it is tempting to just keep that free time to one's self and watch a movie while sipping whiskey alone or play video games until it's bedtime... completely understandable. But still. /sighs

And the thing about time is ... it's really not free. It takes minutes to plan, moments turning into hours, days becoming weeks, etc. 

Friday, February 25, 2011

handle with care by jraquino

... "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her" -from Notting Hill
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Thursday, February 24, 2011

you don't deserve me...

So, ever since I can remember [after I realized that becoming a singer or an astronaut wasn't really what I wanted to be] I wanted to be a lawyer. An attorney. An Esquire. And I'm currently on the path to that goal, but lately, I've realized that maybe I don't want to become one of those people because they have no souls.

Some have souls, but you can see it in their eyes, in their stride that as much as they love their job, it is quite literally killing them. Slowly, but it is. And I already have this perspective that my life is going to end when I least expect it because truthfully, I push the buttons extremely these days on others, and I have probably pissed off the wrong kind of people so don't be surprised when the 10 o'clock news shows a rockstar paralegal with her face down in the White River, floating sans clothing and probably assaulted physically and sexually, etc ... yea, depressing I know but hey, it's life, and I know I have made some people mad enough to go and murder me. Sorry there, I digress...

Anyways... I have realized in the last few days that if I were to continue down this path, inevitably I will be a lawyer, and after that, a Judge followed by becoming a Justice, and just maybe a Chief Justice, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

This is possible, but I'm not sure if I'm cut out for that cutthroat business. I'm losing hope as it is in humanity, and faith is not too far behind, either. I'm just sick of people wasting their lives and wasting chances and opportunities that fall onto their laps. Part of the reason why I haven't said yes to the admissions lady from the kick ass law school is financially, I cannot afford it. Not even with scholarships thrown in, and loans. I don't want to be in debt for the rest of my life; I want to do something now because time waits for no one.

And I realize I'm not getting any younger, though I don't look like my age. Never have looked like my age. Don't act my age, either.

I don't like getting disappointed. I'm used to it, and just people letting me down. I'm tired of investing time in others who don't invest time in me. More to the point, I think from now on, everyone gets one chance - with exceptions I suppose but I'll take that into consideration on a case by case basis.

I'm tired of caring. Loving. I'm tired of giving and giving, and getting nothing in return. So, for the rest of this week, I will not be posting.

Instead, I'll be telepathically sending out messages to the world, to humanity... and see if anyone picks up on the message. I doubt it, but who knows. Perhaps the universe itself will answer.

losing hope

Sometimes, I find myself lying just to see if the other person that I'm in a conversation with is actually paying attention, and you know what? For the most part, no they aren't. No one ever listens these days. Honesty is the best policy, or so, I've been told, and it may very well be the truth that honesty is the best policy, but these days, everything is sugarcoated. Nothing is ever simple, and really, life is very simple, but we tend to make it most difficult and complicated.

I would have loved to take the easy route in life, but no, nothing has ever come easy for me. It might seem that I was born with a silver spoon, but you have to remember that every fairy tale has two protagonists: the good and the bad. And right now, I feel as if I'm going through the motions of a story that I should be familiar with, but I'm not.

Being lost to me is not unfamiliar. And yet, for once, I'd like to know if the direction I'm headed to is going anywhere.

I don't plan. I outline, and even that is getting skewed. At the rate I'm going in my life, I will never be a wife or a mother. I am quite literally joint at the hip to my job(s). Thankfully, I like the people I work with; otherwise, I'd be an alcoholic now, and probably a die-hard smoker, too, but I'm not.

My stress level is not where it is; I'm very mellow. But I tend to worry, and second guess myself. Yes, I know I show a very confident face to the world, but inside, that's not me. I wonder if the real me will ever surface. She did for awhile, but she's been hiding lately.

No one knows me. And you know what? I wish someone did... except I'm scared. I don't want to get hurt, and I'm done with people lying to me. Or giving me excuses. At this point, everyone has one shot. One chance. Don't waste it. Because there won't be a second one.

I don't like being lied to; who in their right mind would?

I understand the concept of being busy and being too busy. I may just truly drop off the face of the planet, and disappear for awhile... it's not that I'm losing hope because I have plenty, but what ever hope I have left is slowly dissipating. The well that contains all the goodness that I believe humanity is capable of is drying up... perhaps I'm being way too cynical, but it's not that... well, partly it could be I suppose.

I don't like to disappoint anyone, but you know what? If I'm always going to get disappointed, hell I might just start.

There's no point giving your best if no one else is.

... in all seriousness, I don't like liars, cheaters, and promise breakers. This is why you don't make promises because promises can and will be broken.

What's the point of giving it your all when no one cares?

I really, really wished that my heart didn't feel. So done with people, though. I'll be nice still, but my eyes have definitely lost some of its shine. I have to get tougher. Be mean. I can't be this naive, nice girl any more... people aren't inherently good. It's a dog eat dog world out there.

I just ... /sighs.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Trying this post by mobile... let's see if it works. Currently, well, thinking. /sighs I wish I can turn off certain parts of me like thinking. I think too much, feel too much, and eh, too busy these days. I never imagined being a workaholic. Lol. But, I also find myself appreciating some aspects of my life that I never really cared previously. I miss someone, though. And no, I am not talking about Dr.Fast&Furious, but yes I miss him, too... the someone I miss is me. These days, I don't know where my head is; I know where it goes and my heart comes along with.... I miss me. Today, I was called "delightful" :) speaking of today, I am tired, but the truth is, if Dr.Fast&Furious were to just text or call or just show up, I would quit being anti-social.... but I kinda like having this alone time. It's been awhile since I spent some time with myself. But, the girl in me who fancies herself in love just wants to kick it with her guy. Don't matter what we do; just want to be with him. Weird.
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/just saying

The phrase "ignorance is bliss" comes to mind, but really, it can be bliss. However, not all the time.

I find myself thinking too much; though, that's always something I do. I feel too much, too. I would love to turn off my emotions and just have a very boring day.

I don't like being busy, but at the same time, it's a great distraction.


If love is a game that two can play, why is there a losing side?

Friday, February 18, 2011

just a friendly reminder ...


1. Honesty is the best policy. (It really is. So, if you're asked a question, like "does this make me look fat," say so. True it may hurt, but hey, at least we know you're telling the truth. Don't sugarcoat anything. An honest man is better than a lying one.)
2. Learn to listen. (Don't pretend you're listening. REALLY listen. You learn more about the opposite gender if you actually pay attention and not be distracted. Ignorance is NOT bliss.)
3. Construct your sentences correctly. (Abbreviations are nice and all, but it removes meaning when phrases like "I love you" becomes "ily" ...just saying. Also, double negatives are bad, and ending sentences in a preposition is wrong, but no one really cares these days.)
4. Never underestimate a woman. (Women underestimate themselves on a daily basis. I underestimate myself all the time, but that's me. Just remember that we already do it to ourselves, so we don't need you to do the same.
5. Never disrespect a woman's intelligence. (With number 4 paving the way, number 5 is redundant, but seriously, don't disrespect. True, we may have our dumb moments, but that doesn't mean we're stupid. We know we're smart; we tend to downplay our own intelligence because some men are intimidated by it.)
6. Give us compliments, but don't blow smoke. (When you compliment, mean it. Say what you mean, not what you think we want to hear. Be upfront, direct. HONEST.)

7. Always give your 110% at EVERYTHING! (This may be a tall order, but do your best in everything you possibly can. Ambition and self-confidence are turn-ons; just don't be arrogant about it.)
8. Be understanding. (Be the one person we can count on for anything [just don't take murder assignments ;)], be the one person we can go to when we just need someone to hold us because it's been a shitty day... just be you, and no one else.)
9. Do not try so hard ... it will come.

10. Be yourself!

(and if you take meds,... TAKE THEM ON TIME!) ;)

Thursday, February 17, 2011

o so fragile ...

"Your eyes show the strength of your soul."
—Paulo Coehlo

There's a part of me that feels as if every day is a test to what I can take. And some days, I feel as if I should throw in the towel, but somehow, I find a way to keep on going. It baffles me that I can still feel this much, and I can act as if things are okay, when I feel that they aren't, but they do feel okay so I'm left in this confused state of limbo. Taking a leap of faith requires courage. 

I find that to be quite hard. It's amazing how much I can still hold onto .... to the things I used to believe were to be gone, but here I am, at another crossroads in my life. I have so much to say, but for now, the best course of action is to say nothing at all. But you know what? My eyes can do all the talking for me. I don't need to say much because I show it anyways. Wearing my heart on my sleeve where everyone can see it isn't as obvious any more... so my eyes will do the talking. 

Everything I want to say is reflected in my eyes. Even the unshed tears brim. You can imagine all the unspoken words just waiting ... I have to keep reminding myself that it's all worth it in the end, but I find myself questioning. If actions speak louder than words, my actions have spoken volumes. I guess sometimes the ears just don't know when to tune in... and my eyes are my best asset. Or so I've heard [I like to think it's me -my entire being, but what do I know]. 

Where words can lie, my eyes can never. The light that shines from them is because of you.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


"It's risky, falling in love."

"I know that," I answered. "I've been in love before. 
It's like a narcotic. At first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. 
The next day, you want more. You're not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, 
and you think you can still control things. 
You think about the person you love for two minutes, 
and forget them for three hours.

"But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. 
Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. 
If he's not there, you feel like an addict who can't get a fix. 
And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, 
you're willing to do anything for love."

"What a horrible way to put it," he said." 

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

just saying ...

If someone hurts you, react
Forgiveness comes afterwards

information overload

"Some souls are like sponges.
You cannot squeeze anything out of them 
except what they have sucked from you."
~Kahlil Gibran

Monday, February 14, 2011

it's just another day ...

"All alone in my arms I hold such beauty
I want time to stop right here
make perfection last forever
in which I could disappear, disappear."
-Too Much for One Heart sung by Lea Salonga

Happy Valentine's Day

Though, it's not a real holiday by any means... unless you're celebrating the massacre that happened on February 14, 1929 ... seven people murdered in Chicago, so yes, if you are celebrating that, well, red is the right color for the occasion as their blood did color the streets [Saint Valentine's Day Massacre]. Other than that, this day is really just another day, but Hallmark as well as numerous chocolate companies make bank on this day [as do jewelry stores for many guys buy their gals/SOs/wifeys gifts]. 

For me, well, I haven't had a great experience on this day. 

My ex-fiance back in 2004 took me to an Italian restaurant, and I remember getting sick from the food there. My ex-boyfriend W and I never really spent this day together because we were in a long-distance relationship so ... other not-so serious boyfriends gave me chocolate, which I always accepted but not always eaten because well, I don't like chocolate. 

Oh! W did give me a single rose once, and my ex-fiance gave me a bouquet of yellow roses, too, and I really like receiving flowers, but really? Roses? So cliche. And so not my favorite flowers in the world. I've gotten teddy bears as well and really cute cards. Overall, it's a so-so holiday full of consumerism and not a lot of feeling, and that's what I want. I want the romance behind the not-so holiday, but with my busy schedule and the fact that I feel incredibly tired after a work day, the last thing on my mind is to pretty up, dress stunningly, and go out on the town. Though, I could do that if asked. I'd rather just throw on a pair of jammies, put a movie in the player, and kick back with my guy. Cuddling is a must, though, especially if I haven't seen my guy for a period of time. /smiles 

Anyways, for those of you who are celebrating, have a great time with your significant other! Time spent together is important.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

let's dance!


...... it's official: this cute Filipina loves listening to Hindi music. 

what path are you on?

“We can never judge the lives of others, 
because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. 
It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path
but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”
~Paulo Coelho

Ever since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of being on stage. As much as I don't like being the center of attention, I don't mind it as much when I'm playing a character... I like performing. I enjoyed being in front of an audience. Yes, I did get stage fright, but first night jitters always happens to me, and after that first night, the following consecutive nights are just amazing. Simply fantastic. 

But, it wasn't meant to be. Singing -performing, in general- is a hobby for me. And I'm okay with that because as a little girl, I also dreamed of becoming an astronaut because I wanted to dance among the stars, and that, too, didn't happen because I found something more me: writing.
As much as I love music and singing, writing is my weapon of choice. I just love how versatile it is: you can set it to music, construct sentences that become paragraphs, that may -in turn- become novels, and novels can become scripts and it can be watched and enjoyed/hated on the big screens. Words are quite simply put -to me- my friends. It may hurt now and again, but I have had this affair with words ever since I learned how to read. 

And with words came my love for argument. I'm not saying that I love to argue because I don't. I'm very much a pacifist, but if you tell me I'm wrong, and I know I'm right, well.. let's just not go there. I will, however, listen to your opinion and respect it, but at the same time, I will also tell you what mine is. Most of the time, I just shrug and go with it.

Anyways.... I would really like to pursue a career in law some day. Right now, I'm a paralegal, and I'm good at what I do. But, to be in a courtroom, fighting for justice... a jury of contemporaries/peers/whatever you want to call them, and being the one person who can prove to everyone that your client is the innocent one... honestly, I don't like to talk, but if I have all sides of a story, and based on those facts, I know that my client is innocent, you bet that I will try my hardest to win it for my client, to prove to everyone of his/her innocence. 

Ultimate goal: Chief Justice... yes, I know. I have rather lofty goals, but hey, at least you know I aim high :winks: 
... when I stumbled upon that quote by Mr. Coehlo, it just made me think, and I'm still thinking. I don't know if I'm on the right path. I don't know if I'll even stay on this path because I've strayed from it far too long. I worked in the IT field for several years [started out in a computer lab while in college 2004, and I did work in IT since until recently so...] 

I have skills. I have ambition. Drive. Passion. MOTIVATION. What I don't have is direction. And I'm still struggling with this even now. 

In high school, we were all required to take a career test... and you know what I got? I got the big circle in the middle, which didn't provide me direction, and my guidance counselor told me that I can basically do whatever I want, and well, that didn't really help me... so I guess for now I'll continue to walk on this path, this one that leads to law, and perhaps I will reach that ultimate goal. I do have other goals in mind, but that's an entire different post waiting to be written.