Tuesday, September 16, 2014


Is it normal to feel so tired ... Every day, I am tired.

I don't know how long I can do this. Alone.
It doesn't bother me.
It is lonely, though.


Tuesday, September 02, 2014


I told my mother the reason why I have been "sick" ... That it wasn't because I had a cold or a flu. I mean it could be -- I do have a weakened immune system. But it's partly because of the chemo.

I'm more exhausted. I cannot help it. It's like I cannot get enough rest no matter how much I get.

In any case - I don't like feeling weak. Or be seen as weak. I don't like crying. All of this is tiring, exhausting. And it is going to be an entire year. I have done my first one already. Only eleven more to go. But still.

I don't want to.

But I don't want to give up, either.

What do I do?

Monday, September 01, 2014

So ...

It is now September.

I started chemo on the last Friday of August - and I'm still recovering and I'm exhausted. Still. I'm not sure if my body will get used to this. If ever.

I supposedly have beaten it, but with one test result - things changed.
With that one -- it all changed and I have had to change plans. And now the waiting begins once more.

I have been instructed to keep a journal. Of sorts. But I really don't want to write how I feel pain, or how I can't keep food down, or how I just don't feel hungry. I don't feel any better though it has only been one treatment ... And it is scary. Very. I'm scared. What if it doesn't work? What if I also have to do radiation?

There's so many things ... So many different factors.

I feel alone but at the same time I know I'm not. I'm not giving up, but it feels like I should. It would be so easy to.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

There's this online journal

.... I keep. In fact I have a few. There's my longtime affair with Xanga. Then I was on livejournal for a stint and currently I have one on blogspot. And I do keep some "notes" on here as well for a spell ... I keep an actual notebook too but I have no ideal what suitcase it's in or box it's currently unpacked along with sketch books it is currently resting with but log story short I keep one to chronicle my thoughts and feelings and drawings and everything else - and I updated my blogspot one last night or was it this morning - hmmm. I do not think I will be doing another friends w/bens nor will I be diving into a casual - I would rather be alone than be reckless with someone's feelings - just not my cup of tea. It was fun for the short stint that it was, but really not my style. So I apologize way in advance for all the boys I'm about to friend zone in the time being because I just cannot just do the fun and games. I know my worth and to echo a picture from previous - you're just going to have to wait because as much as I enjoy and like doing the act I really don't need it - I survived without for two years and thanks for the short stint that I did have I am good to go to not having for a long time again (7/12 super moon is imprinted and will be in my memory for awhile so whomever is the next lucky dude you have to prove lol) and you're going to be more extraordinary and far more amazing, too. Hope you're up to the task. The ante has risen up. Wonder who would be up to the task at hand. Anyone willing to take the challenge?

Saturday, August 09, 2014

It's been awhile hasn't it!

Hello :waves: hope all is well everyone 😄

I would love to make this a long post but we shall see how this goes, okies?
It's been a roller coaster of changes and really when has my life now been? Moved from one place to another and here's another chapter of my life closing so that a new one can start - had a side note happen briefly - let's title it LMN for referring purposes and what not - and it was fun while it lasted however brief it was though it could have been great but that is neither here nor there so anyways last time I was on this journal I was with B and that ended officially on four twenty and that relationship ended awhile back but we kept trying and taking each other back and it was insanity on both of our parts - we were just not good together as a couple and maybe someday we could be friends but right now idk where we stand - acquaintances? Even though we knew each other for three years, I don't think we really knew the other well - it wasn't love. More like a deep care for one another. I hope we can be friends ...someday. Perhaps. We shall see. As for the brief LMN snippet - it is what it is. What I feel about him - well neither here not there. It's done. Brief and done. Fun while it lasted. On to the next chapter. Let's just say I won't be forgetting 7/12 any time soon ...it's a great memory regardless of what has transpired since. Oh well. It is what is. I'm going to get my own place soon and moving ...again. And it's going to be mine. Reconnected with a friend surprisingly today that I haven't heard from two years or so. It's nice and I'm rambling. My brain is filled with swirling thoughts and it's just a jumble in there and my heart? Yes, it's hurting but I'm internalizing like I always do. It's how I deal. Typically, I run or sing my frustrations. Or binge watch anime. Keep myself busy by writing or drawing / sketching. Anything but my thoughts - yea. I have no control. It does what it wants and LMN - yea. Oh well. Sooner that will fade, too. I wish my subconscious would quit messing with me, though. I'm sure at some point I will reach my breaking point. My limit so to speak. But this is why I internalize it. I don't have a soundboard - except for here. Oh! I do have exciting news: on August 29, I'll find out for sure that I have beaten cancer. Just waiting on a few more tests but all signs so far are pointing yes. 👍😄 as soon as that's done I'll move forward in figuring what's going on with the cyst in one of my ovary and I'm still figuring out what's going on with my migraines and headaches. Currently I'm taking 100mg of topamax and still wake up and sleep with a headache ...sighs. Tomorrow is the second super moon. September will be the third super moon. No repeat performances of 7/12 ..... And my second tattoo will be of Fairy Tail guild logo. Now to figure when and where to get it. Alright I think that's all I got - sorry reader for the fragments, run-ins and all that, I'm sort of free writing with no filter right now ...though there are no curse words at all. ✌️🐼