Saturday, December 29, 2012

The New Year Approaches

A part of me has been deceived that dreams can come true while the rose-colored wearing childish me still believes that fairy tales still do happen. Have you ever thought that while opposites may attract that perhaps the differences between those individuals are the only thing that stands in their blending? That perhaps being different detains the ability to actually connect? Or is it just again the part of me that chooses to be jaded is inclined to believe that all this past year has been in vain? I myself truly don't know for a warring faction believes that it can be salvaged, it can be made better, and it can withstand any and all disagreements that may occur in the not-too-distant future. I feel as if every day is a battle within- a walking contradiction in truths. Some days, happiness blossoms a multitude of paths and detours; any step in those result in the same guaranteed happiness. Or is that itself a lie? I never thought that I would succumb in this -- I feel my true me is working double time because it doesn't know which part to give in. I suppose a blending of all can be judiciously done, but the question remains is how much of each part will need to be thrown out? How much of the dreamer/writer must be let go so that the more logical/sane one can flourish? It shouldn't be this difficult to decide which of me should be given the control, but again, I fight within the boundaries that I never knew existed. Why can't I be childish and be serious at the same time? If everything in moderation is good, how come I feel a part of is drowning every time one over the other is chosen? I sound deliciously deranged writing this post, and oddly enough, it's exhilarating to just be writing once more. I've kept my writer self from actually putting my wayward thoughts to actual words most of this year, and when I do write, it's of no importance. Yes, I feel more than I should, and letting go was never my strongest suit. While that remains to be truth, every day less of my writer self has been inclined to say anything lest the self-doubt of never being published, of never being read, become a reality. And that reality is another truth for all the ideas lay wasted inside the crevices of my brain. Poor brain! Of late, it has been fed scientific pharmaceutical mumbo-jumbo because of the job. A job I truly do enjoy. A job where making a difference is making sure the patients get their dose. A job where the client actually cares for its patients. A job that is only a contract to last to September 2013...unless a permanent position is offered before then.

This past year has been full of surprises and they weren't all good ones. It's been a year of growth for the most part. The trusted faves have all but disappeared...the social life that flourished since the break-up with W has faltered into nothingness. I don't hang out with the faves anymore, and only kept in contact with a handful few that remain. I've suffered some nights where anger won and have been scared out of my skin more than a few times by my beloved. I guess even the strongest of us can snap and brave through some breakdowns now and again. The impulse of flight was stronger than fight, but I stayed despite through of all that. And a few glimmers of true happiness have appeared under the guise of more bad news. Hope once again flows, and love? Though unspoken truly is there. We are both stubborn, my beloved and I. Both wanting to do it our way; both having to make sacrifices. And both still realizing that the road that lay ahead might be twisted, sharp with uncertainties, but mostly, the excitement of something new is truly within our grasp. Maybe the new year will be the year of us. Perhaps the universe has finally relented and have acquiesced us a break from the bad...who knows if that is the case. There are still rough patches that we must travel through, and still, a many lumps of uncertainties lay beyond the well-travelled road. But my beloved and I have survived this far together, and even that brief split made us stronger. And yet through it all, something feels amiss.

I crave more each day in terms of who I am. I've been friend, lover, girlfriend, daughter, cousin, aunt, enemy, coworker, and once I was a fiancée. Then I became the disillusioned fiancée, but that was a lesson that needed to be learned. And I'm still learning. It never bothered me before but the label of wife, of being someone's legal significant other, has been something that I have been craving more of late....not anytime soon, but I do want it. Alone with my thoughts this morning, I've recounted times of when I ever wanted to be someone's wife, and I know I've thought of it a lot while being with someone before I met my beloved, but I also knew then it wasn't going to happen. With my beloved, I can't make heads or tails if it will or if it will not, and it drives me mad that he can switch it off and on. Granted, he isn't done with the living it up, party all night and truthfully, neither am I, but I know I want to be his wife, and I want him to be my husband no matter how thick-headed he is. But he doesn't believe my love for him. And I know not how else I can show him... makes me wonder if he will ever, and thereby causes me to wonder if he and I should ever be married. He says he doesn't want marriage one day, and the next he says he wants to settle down. I do not know what to make of that. I know what I want, and each day, that want becomes stronger and I want it sooner than later.

I want our engagement to be true. Yes, he calls me his fiancée, but he has not asked. He has not attempted to make it official. I want our life to be ours, but we battle with our respective families more of late than actually make peace. We make plans to leave, but will it ever bear fruit? Yes, I know we are young. I'm older, but I feel as if younger to his years. Then other times I feel as if I have to hold his hand while he struggles to let go of his college days. We are a conundrum of our selves. A mismatched pair of doubts, dreams, and desires. Yet, the end goal is the same: we want to be happy. And we want to make the other happy. And we struggle every day in how to make each other comfortable with the hands that life has dealt us. We shrink into ourselves, and we make do what we can. I wonder if we will ever let ourselves just feel. Even I don't let myself just feel anymore. Perhaps I really am too serious. I just want us to be happy within ourselves and within us.

Happiness is only a word, but it holds each and everyone of us within its tight leash. I feel revenge would be the easier course here, but who knows, perhaps madness will rule us all.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

It's November ...

and time truly flies, doesn't it, when there's a lot going on.

Working tons, thinking always... friendships lost, new ones made.
I'm a lot more myself nowadays, and I'm thankful for my medication. It keeps me grounded :) And the work goes well.

I miss some things from the previous years ...... but all in all, I'm better off, in a way. Maybe... /shrugs

Saturday, September 08, 2012

Wake Me Up When September Ends ...

Looks like I'm skipping every other month... August ended with a whimper, and September is starting out just fine. I start a new path on Monday. Still in healthcare, but now focusing in pharmaceutical companies. Exciting stuff, eh? Perhaps.

Rum is yum. I've started running again. Twice today. Monday will be an early day...hours will be 8a-6p Mon-Fri and hooray, weekends are, once again, off. Sweetness!

The medication I'm on make me very sleepy; it's hard not to take naps. Fortunately, today, I only took one, and it was about 20 minutes long... yes, I shouldn't sleep so much, but it was such a relaxing day, beautiful at that -hence, the running twice outside - oh! I'm on the third book of George R. R. Martin's A Song of Fire and Ice  series. Very good thus far, and I can't wait for season 3 of HBO's Game of Thrones series.

Relationship-wise, we're like more couples, I suppose. We fight, we make up, and repeat. But, in its own way, we're finding out us, and growing together as a couple while still progressing our own individual selves.

I guess that's about it for this update. Sorry for the randomness.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Come Over

This song by Kenny Chesney has been in my head since I first heard of it play on WFMS. I find myself humming the song out loud while I'm at work. Also, I can't wait to see Mr. Chesney on the Brothers of the Sun tour with Mr. McGraw next weekend. It's going to be epic.

The Dark Knight Rises premiered last night, and I saw it at Legacy Cinema with my main man. Sad that the Dark Knight trilogy is now finished. Thrilled about The Hobbit movie coming out to theaters two days before my birthday :)

Anyways ...

I've been thinking about many different things. Mainly on how to cope with my depression. I have an appointment to see someone on Monday at 6:30pm. I just want to start feeling better. And I don't like feeling  this way...and my stress combined with job plus other things are driving me bonkers.

The toilet has been my best friend of late since I've been vomiting whenever I'm feeling too overwhelmed. Hmm, since I wasn't editing myself, I have said more than I wanted to...I guess I'll stop there. Hopefully, I can keep my sanity. Otherwise, I may find myself wishing for a padded room complete with a straight-jacket.

I have to keep reminding myself to not lose hope.

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Stress free? Ha, I wish!

So, I skipped the entire month of June. The skinny- I received a promotion. And I start July 10. I'm overwhelmed, but not with work. Though, work is also overwhelming, very much so. Yet, somehow, I'm trudging through it. I feel like I've stepped into a rabbit hole and I'm Alice, but I'm definitely not in wonderland. The characters are here,though-- the mad queen of hearts, the deranged mad hatter, and don't forget- the white rabbit. I'm probably not making sense. Nowadays, I mostly carry conversations in my head because at least I know I kinda make sense to me... Sometimes. Lol. In all honesty and seriousness, I just don't know why I bother. It's not like anything I do matter. I hate it when plans are in progress, and then, bam, no plans at all. Blah. So, now I'm stuck with three days off of nothing to do. Fantastic, isn't it? I watched the last Harry Potter films a couple of nights ago...made me realize that books are better than movies. (sometimes) And I think I'm done rambling... I had something to write, but I didn't know how to word it. Hell, I do know. I just don't want to write out... Maybe next month, or next year.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Just a quickie

Yesterday, I finished my training, and now have to schedule an appointment for my 75 day evaluation. Exciting stuff. Who knew I'd be in healthcare? It's hard work, though. Like ridiculous hard work. But it can be rewarding in its own way. Some days, I find myself missing having a girlfriend, you know, someone to go have lunch with when my man is at the gym, or just have some girl time. But I was never the type to sit around and gossip or even talk about meaningless stuff, and yet, I do miss it. Some days. Having some nonsensical conversations about how we got stuff free or discounted is kinda fun ;) In truth, I miss the days where I don't have to think of what I want to say and just say it to a close friend that isn't my man (and he knows me in and out). Now, the girls I had in my life--- two that I'm no longer close to, not really, and we were the closest three before, and now, we are mere strangers. One is a three-hour drive, but we do talk on a constant basis. Two is where I used to live, who are both newly married. Another one in Virginia, and she is just wonderful; I miss you, Chelle. Come back soon to visit! At least, I'm glad I have some but they are a bit far away. Making new friends isn't hard. Most of my new friends are coworkers. Fascinating group of diverse people. Just miss hanging out with someone. And lately, I've been in this weird limbo of anxiousness...I'm waiting for something to happen, it seems, it's going to be big. I can just tell. Big as in I might saying "yes" ...maybe, but we've talked about it not happening now; maybe in the next few years :)

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

It's May already!

Wow, time sure flies. Almost done with my training, and I'm coming to my 75day evaluation which is followed by 90day, and officially done with training! Been busy working 90+hours of late, and today is my day off. Just a lot of work the past few weeks. Need a vacation. Definitely just relaxing and catching up on shows. Moved to new place, and it's pretty much done. Maybe a little more decoration. Aside from that, nothing else new. Oh! Have a new phone, and a new car. :D

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Let's try something new...

Like healthcare, for example, because that is the field that I'm currently working in now. Yes, yes I know...what is a BA-English Creative-Writing yielding individual paired with several years of IT work experience doing in the field of healthcare?

I have no clear answer to that, but I do like it so far. However, the field I chose is a bit more difficult than imagined. But, it is very rewarding. Hard, but satisfactory to say the least.

And this new field that I find myself in is opening a different path, a path that I may more than willing to travel and possibly acquire new skills to be developed further, and may translate to a nursing degree...eventually.

Though, I'm curious: perhaps I can combine all fields into one someday. Truthfully, I've only been in this field for about two weeks, and the hours are long and all I want to do when I get home is be lazy, which I cannot because I'm moving next weekend to a new place, but I digress...

I guess the thing I like about this job of mine is how I get to make a difference in someone's life who knows nothing about me.

But, you know what? I never foresaw myself as a nurse. Or anywhere near the medical field. It's ...interesting.

Aside from that new job, I did touch upon it already but yes, I'm moving! To a new location yes, I'm going on an adventure, and I'm not alone. I'm going on this journey with someone, someone whom I'm glad to have on my side.


Thursday, January 19, 2012

let's revisit last year, shall we?

After a somewhat-brief hiatus, I'm sort of back to the world of blogging. And as the title of this entry indicates, let's take a walk down memory lane.

Last year was a year of many changes... the year started out strong, wavered for awhile, went up and down like a roller-coaster, and ended on a hopeful note.

I thought of writing this long entry about things I've found out and still trying to decipher through, and now, I'm not sure if I want to because most of what was discovered is a bit of a painful wound to me. I'm not exactly certain what I should do about it. It's like a puzzle of which I know for a fact that I don't have all the pieces to, yet.

My past remains shrouded in mystery and for now, my curiosity's appetite has been curbed. So, in the very least, the dragon lays undisturbed and asleep... until the next influx of explorers decide to uncover more answers by using their arrows and swords of which are fortified with questions. I'll find out one way or the other the knowledge I see from the sleeping dragon.

Aside from my past, everything sort of remained the same: I gained new friendships, lost a few friends, have had some friends become more like acquaintances, and have been in the most rewarding relationship I've had in my adult life. B and I, we're not the most compatible couple, but somehow, we make it work.

And with these friendships growing and dying, I've learned more about myself, and I know that I'm loner by choice. I like being social, and can be a butterfly, but let's face it: I'm a loner. I like my corner, and yes, it can be lonely. Yet, I'm more an observer. I'm not much for the spotlight. And last year, that spotlight was on me far more than it has ever been in my life.

I've changed - a lot- last year, and I'm not sure if I'm happy with the changes or not, but I do know that I miss some people, and others of whom I've gotten closer to without meaning to, well, that was a surprise- the best kind of surprise. It shows that even mere strangers can be the best of pals. It's a comforting thought nonetheless.

I guess that's life. And the start of this year has been fascinating.

I can't wait to see what else this year has in store for me.