Friday, April 22, 2011

my most dearest wish

You would think would be that my head would stop throbbing, which I guess it could be that but my most dearest wish isn't that...

Those who are close to me, closest to my heart, knows what it is... too bad it may never happen with how things are going for me. I feel as if I'm very light these days, that a strong wind can pick me up and blow me over.

That doesn't appeal to me, but it's how things are, I guess. I used to have an anchor, but ... I don't know.

I put up this strong front that I'm okay, that things will get better. I'm trying to hold myself together so the people around me who I care for won't feel what I'm feeling, but it does slip out. And I wish I knew how I could make it better, but I don't know how so instead, I float alongside the current to see where it may lead me, when all I want is ...


Monday, April 18, 2011

some me time was in order

Today was a day that I didn't have to go into work as the new project that I'm currently signed up for starts on Tuesday, and Sunday night was filled with movies!!! MOVIES. This movie addiction that I have acquired from Dr.FastandFurious. 

Anyways, I watched the Amityville Horror, the remake ... and no me gusta scary movies. No thanks. Then, watched the Other Guys, which was hilarious! Watched some Scrubs episodes, The Last Kiss, and ended it with Ghost, but didn't finish because I fell asleep. 

And this glorious off day on a Monday ... all I did was clean up the room, start laundry, download songs on iTunes, and sleep. Until now, because I was awaken and reminded by my ticking bomb that hey, just coz you're having fun doesn't mean you get to forget me /sighs ha. As if I could ever forget its presence.


I love watching movies and cuddling on a couch. The best part, for me, was that it was a good guy friend who had no interest in getting into my pants. Because that is the last thing I need right now. All I want from everyone is friendship. I cannot afford to get into anything else at the moment, even though I would not mind getting involved with someone at the moment. I just can't do it. I shouldn't do it because I haven't moved on and without my permission, my heart has decided it wants to wait for DrFastandFurious, and I have no idea if I'm waiting in vain or not. Guess I'll know a year from now...

The dreams of mine are going to drive me crazy.... I guess my subconscious really wants me to get married and have children. Or its my internal clock speaking. I don't know. For me, it is something that I want to happen, but not any time soon. Friendship is what I'm concentrating on.

To be honest, I wouldn't mind disappearing. To just be gone, and maybe forgotten. I don't know... to not be here any longer. 

The last few weeks, I've been feeling like this. As if I should just pack up and go. I'm not sure where I'm going, but I'm certain I wouldn't mind being just gone. I might be missed. Who knows... maybe no one will notice that I'm no longer around.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Coldplay's Scientist

ignorance is bliss

Or so I've heard, and sometimes, yes, being ignorant and not knowing sounds like a fine recipe for disaster. With that said, I would love nothing more to be ignorant now. I know things that hurt me on a daily basis because of the fact that I know of their existence. For instance, what I have laying in the back of my head, this ticking bomb of absolute ending, which may or may not happen this year depending on its rapid, frequent growth. True, I may be covering up the pain and hurt that I feel with a smile, but smiling is the only defense I have against spiraling completely out of control, which some could say, I'm already doing.

No, I'm not okay. Dr.FastandFurious asked me that last night, and my answer was a smile. It's easier to just smile and laugh it up when the reasons lay thick on your tongue. But, no, I can't. I don't say a word because even when people say they care, sometimes that's a lie, too.

I had deactivated my Facebook. Shocker, right? No. It was either deactivate or delete certain people out of it or put those certain people on limited profile.

I caught the bouquet a few weeks ago, and the entire month of March was full of events that yea, my brain cannot compute. My heart certainly is full of emotions. My clothes barely fit; I really should get some pants that do or belts that don't break.

I need a reset. I want to not know what I have that's ticking ever so slowly, patiently waiting to go boom, and my last day may be a day that I don't even know. Actually, I don't know so each day to me is a treasure; it's a treat because I have another chance. I can honestly say I love waking up in the morning, to still be breathing.

I want it to be last September again, when I was more carefree. True, a relationship ended, and W and I went our separate ways, and I don't regret that. What I do regret is jumping so soon into the dating scene, and well, look where that landed me...

I have amazing friends in my life. My family may drive me crazy, but they are my family. Crazy fun times have been had with hopefully more to come. But with all of that, I only need one thing, and well, that's not happening any time soon.

My eyes say it all. My heart feels it all. My head just cannot understand.