Thursday, March 17, 2011

we're all dying the minute we come out of that womb

It's true.

Depressing, right? Wrong. It's reality. Whether people die because of natural disasters happening, or of natural causes like just being old, or because of selfish reasons like suicide, people DIE all the time.

I'm coming off as a heartless bitch, aren't I? Ha. I wish I could be a heartless bitch, but damn me and my emotions. Ever since the tsunami hit Japan...

eventually, I will cry and let it out. I always end up crying and letting it out. But right now, I'm numb, and a damn good actress. With the exception of a few people, no one knows how close I am to losing my composure. I hear some of his favorite songs, and not even a tear can squeeze through my almond-shaped eyes.

I don't know why, but this is hard. Today hurt. I've lost too many good friends in the span of a few months, not even a few months. Two for selfish suicidal reasons, and this most recent loss happened because of an earthquake-inspired tsunami.

Half of me wonders if it would have been better had I thought he was still one of the missing... he was a strong swimmer. And the other half is glad to know that he is no longer missing, but no longer of this plane of existence. He's gone. My friend Will is gone.

I get too close to many people, and really, I don't know if I could this any more. I care way more than I should, but my friends are a part of my life. And sometimes, they are my family. And this, losing Will... it felt like I lost a part of me.

A huge part of me because he was always there [when there's a Will, you'll always have me is what he always said... guess no one should use the word "always" either] .... and now he's gone.

Just gone.

Happy birthday, Will. I miss you.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

unfamiliar territory

I find myself in an unfamiliar territory again ... and Beyonce's "Broken-Hearted Girl" is on repeat in my head followed by Radiohead's "Lotus Flower", "Thinking of You", "Paranoid Android", "You", which are followed by Keri Hilson's "Knock You Down", Nate Dogg & Warren G's "Regulate", Tiesto's "Just Be", Rammstein's "Du Hast", Jamie Foxx's "Fall For Your Type", Chopin's various etudes ...

It's like I have a soundtrack...

But this unfamiliar territory I speak of is very brand-new to me.

I feel as if I'm drowning and I'm on land. Vaguely hanging on. Threads. Pieces of me are falling. My energy is not where it usually is and whomever stole my energy needs to give it back. I don't like this. I don't like this feeling, and I wish to hell that I can just spread my wings and fly away.

And just go and be anywhere else but where I am.

Is it so bad that I just want to break down and give in? To just want to step over the edge and who cares where it takes me.... I just want o.u.t. I'm fairly resilient and adaptable, but the changes that are flowing around me are going way too fast, and this pace is going too fast, and I just need a break.

A break.

My anchor is gone for the time being or forever, not sure. My feelings haven't changed. I know he's not ready. I can't help but internalize everything but I feel as if I should vent, hit something, cry... something, but it is all being kept inside.

I can act like I'm fine, great, fantastic .... when I'm not. And yes, there is a rainbow after a storm, but that seems far away.

It seems all I do is wait, and I should act, but what should I do? I have options, but these aren't the options I want ..... I want oranges not lemons. I want coffee not energy drinks. I want you and no one else... who knows if that will stay the same the next several years. I'm open to dating others, but my heart is vehemently saying no, while my head is saying go and experience.

I don't want to do this any more. The one thing I'm certain of is the ticking bomb on the back of my head. That can go off any time. Hell, it might just happen sooner than anyone else is expecting.

AT least, I can say that I tried. I tried doing, and I took chances, and leaps of faith are awesome and all, but I guess perhaps this is my chance to focus on me, and a little less on everyone else.

And shopping... ugh. I detest shopping; but I'm losing weight and I need clothes that fit, not hang.

I really need a break. But, I'm going full-speed ahead.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

im doing it all wrong?

Lately, I've been thinking...

... and so far, some things don't make sense while others do. At this rate, I don't know if I should keep going and paddle along with the current, or if I should paddle against it. Quite frankly, I want to ... just be.

With that said, how is it possible that I can get into a kickass law school but not an in-state law school? It's beginning to piss me off. All of these offers to attend these kickass law schools are beginning to annoy me because a) because these law schools are practically tier 1 schools and they WANT me whereas b) the in-state law school -the ones that are financially in my range, mind you- don't want me/choose to wait-list me/admission counselors are as confused as I am of why I've been wait-listed ...

It's not like I did bad on the LSATs, and not to toot my own horn, but I did pretty well, and I really don't want to freakin' retake the LSAT but it sure looks like I'm going to because the in-state law schools just don't want me in ... and my GPA isn't bad, either, so really: where am I going wrong?

I worked hard for my score --- I'm an emotional, compassionate human being who is willingly putting her soul on the line for the next few years it'll take to mold me into a soul-sucking lawyer [but no, I'm not handing my soul over; instead, I'm going to partition a part of me in becoming a soul-sucking lawyer while maintaining who I am at the core because frankly, no amount of logic bullshit/law know-how will ever change me], and not a single in-state law school (at least the ones who have my LSAT scores, & other stuffz) want me.

It's like the state of Indiana is willingly letting me go to another state to get my law degree, and the chances of me coming back to this state would be less than .2% ...

... I've heard from other kickass law schools, and as much as I would love to go to any one of those or hell, one of them is my dream school, the debt I would acquire after those few years is just ... insurmountable. I'm already in debt, but it's workable. However, if I were to add to that debt with law school debt... just thinking of that makes my head spin.

I'm one class away from my certification, but you know what? With how this whole law school process is going for me, I might just "to hell with it!" and get my BSN; at least, I know with certain programs I can that done within two years, and yes, I might have to give up my law, but medical has always been in my blood... I just refused to acknowledge it all these years because everyone in my family is in the medical field either as a nurse or a doctor, and law was always were I was heading [though, moonlighting as a singer doesn't sound bad...]


Monday, March 14, 2011

the lover writes a one word poem ,"you"

Today, I was told by a complete stranger that I am smart, sexy, and beautiful. Then, was asked, "where have you been my entire life" ... being the polite person that I am, I told him thank you, but was unsure how to respond to his question.

It is true, though. I am smart, but most of the time, I downplay my intelligence. I play the "I'm averagely smart" card with a touch of "airheadness" a lot. I don't know why I do this, but it might be because some men are intimidated by intelligence. There is no way I can intimidate someone; not with my short stature [I'm only five feet tall] or my friendly disposition. However, when it comes to my being smart, I apparently have intimidated some boys in my life. The men I have come across enjoy the challenge.

...which brings up this question: am I conquest?

In my life, I have been told at least a few times that all I ever was to them was a conquest, and admittedly, I was offended (&thankful) by their honesty. No one wants to know that they are just another notch on someone's bedpost. And yes, I have been used way too many times, and somehow, I'm not as jaded or cynical. I still have hope [how ever minuscule that hope may be].

With all of that said, I have been told by friends, acquaintances, and coworkers that I'm a catch, a keeper. If I'm such a keeper, how come... /sighs too many questions swirl in my head.

If I'm all these things: smart, sexy, beautiful, a keeper, wifey material, etc .. how come no one stays?  ... it's very confusing. I'm not alone, but sometimes, I feel lonely. I'm surrounded by people I care for and who cares for me back, surrounded by loved ones. And yet, that sliver of loneliness creeps in... I wish I understood what it is about me that everyone loves about, but isn't willing to stick around OR if they want to stick around, I can't be their someone for I'm already taken... I can offer my friendship and that comes with a certain amount of loyalty, but my heart has been captured by someone else, and my loyalty to him knows no bounds. (And yes, we haven't been able to spend time together, but I understand and he trusts me.)

I guess perhaps what I should do is put my loyalty on reserve... maybe keep myself in check of sorts... I'm not sure. I have been taking leaps of faith here and there that I'm not sure where I am at the moment.

Also, I don't think I'm beautiful. I'm pretty or cute. Adorable comes to mind, but beautiful? I guess I'm not used to the adjective. And sexy? Really?? I'm sexy? ... /shrugs, maybe I just don't see it.