Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Undisclosed Truth

I use to find joy in writing. Writing was how I expressed myself.... I poured my entire being into a story. And whatever story it was that I was currently writing at the time, it became a part of me. And now I'm writing a more personal story, and this time you have no idea how scared I am.

People used to hang out with me because they thought I was someone who I wasn't .... this enjoyable person that loved to go clubbing and dancing and drinking, which really I do like that doing that stuff, but that isn't me. I splurged and treated "friends" on many occasion, but I got tired of it and the more I showed who I am inside, the more people couldn't believe that was me. But yes, I'm not that person, and as much as I wanted to be that carefree individual, I'm not.

For those who know me, I'm very private which is the opposite of my alter-ego. I loved the attention, not gonna lie. I did enjoy, but I'm not the social butterfly everyone thought I was...

I was someone like that before, but that isn't me. I'm shy, but I do get out of my shell more often than I like. And this new path in my life is one of the hardest ones I will ever have traveled. Harder than the path it took me to find out who my birth parents are.

I want to say I'm doing it alone, but I'm not alone. I have a stable foundation. It's rocky because I keep pushing people away. That's me on the defense... and I appreciate each and every one of them very much. They are my foundation, my rock.

And I don't know how to thank them. I don't know how to show it. Aside from saying 'thank you,' but they deserve more than that...

I love them. And love is scary, too. I have been hurt way too many times. So I push ... me on the defensive. But the people who I have it my life now. They see me struggle and in pain, but they don't leave me. They keep me going. Every time I'm negative, someone has a positive thing to say. Or do.

Honestly, I have no idea how I'm supposed to do this ...  it's painful. And I have no idea how to put myself together. Or how to keep going. Nights are the hardest; it's when the tears sneak up and I can't hold them any longer.

I'm not sure how to cope. All I can do is not give up and keep going. Think positively. Keep smiling and fake it until it becomes reality.

... I am overwhelmed.

Sunday, October 06, 2013

September Flew Right By...

And it is now October.

So, news: I have been recently diagnosed by cancer. And thus, begins my new journey ... onto a path I never thought I would need to be on ever in my life.

Needless to say, I'm overwhelmed. Very much so. And honestly, I don't know how to even begin to take it all in. I really don't.

I smile because it's a lot easier to do. It's easier to pretend everything is okay than having to explain. A lot easier to just take it one day at a time. Never thought I would be here, though.

Never would have imagined it in a million years.

I get it why I keep being told that I'm too young to have this.... I get it. Because most women get diagnosed later in their years. And you know what? Ovarian cancer is the fifth deadliest cancer for women. It is a silent killer.

There is no way to detect it earlier, but there are symptoms that every women should be aware of:
  • Bloating
  • Pelvic or abdominal pain
  • Trouble eating or feeling full quickly
  • Feeling the need to urinate urgently or often

Other symptoms of ovarian cancer can include:
  • Fatigue
  • Upset stomach or heartburn
  • Back pain
  • Pain during sex
  • Constipation 
  • Menstrual changes
[http://www.ovarian.org/detection.php]

If you exhibit any or all of those symptoms, please Take Early Action and Live. According to whyteal.org, "this year, more than 22,000 women will be newly diagnosed." That's about 1 in 71 women. And it so happened to be me being 1 ....

Please take care. I doubt I will be here as much. Maybe I'll turn this into a journal of sorts ... I used to write as an outlet for everything... nowadays, it's just ... painful.

I have been very lucky to have met the people I've met in my life. They help shape me into who I am today. I have been hurt, been forgotten by so-called friends, and even called names. And I have forgiven them all. I don't need people like that in my life. I am doing fine on my own... kind of. I'm still here. Living it day by day.

Maybe I'll write a more poignant, emotional post later on. I do have an appointment -a follow up- on October 28. I would ask for luck, but it is a wee bit past time for that.