Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Undisclosed Truth

I use to find joy in writing. Writing was how I expressed myself.... I poured my entire being into a story. And whatever story it was that I was currently writing at the time, it became a part of me. And now I'm writing a more personal story, and this time you have no idea how scared I am.

People used to hang out with me because they thought I was someone who I wasn't .... this enjoyable person that loved to go clubbing and dancing and drinking, which really I do like that doing that stuff, but that isn't me. I splurged and treated "friends" on many occasion, but I got tired of it and the more I showed who I am inside, the more people couldn't believe that was me. But yes, I'm not that person, and as much as I wanted to be that carefree individual, I'm not.

For those who know me, I'm very private which is the opposite of my alter-ego. I loved the attention, not gonna lie. I did enjoy, but I'm not the social butterfly everyone thought I was...

I was someone like that before, but that isn't me. I'm shy, but I do get out of my shell more often than I like. And this new path in my life is one of the hardest ones I will ever have traveled. Harder than the path it took me to find out who my birth parents are.

I want to say I'm doing it alone, but I'm not alone. I have a stable foundation. It's rocky because I keep pushing people away. That's me on the defense... and I appreciate each and every one of them very much. They are my foundation, my rock.

And I don't know how to thank them. I don't know how to show it. Aside from saying 'thank you,' but they deserve more than that...

I love them. And love is scary, too. I have been hurt way too many times. So I push ... me on the defensive. But the people who I have it my life now. They see me struggle and in pain, but they don't leave me. They keep me going. Every time I'm negative, someone has a positive thing to say. Or do.

Honestly, I have no idea how I'm supposed to do this ...  it's painful. And I have no idea how to put myself together. Or how to keep going. Nights are the hardest; it's when the tears sneak up and I can't hold them any longer.

I'm not sure how to cope. All I can do is not give up and keep going. Think positively. Keep smiling and fake it until it becomes reality.

... I am overwhelmed.

Sunday, October 06, 2013

September Flew Right By...

And it is now October.

So, news: I have been recently diagnosed by cancer. And thus, begins my new journey ... onto a path I never thought I would need to be on ever in my life.

Needless to say, I'm overwhelmed. Very much so. And honestly, I don't know how to even begin to take it all in. I really don't.

I smile because it's a lot easier to do. It's easier to pretend everything is okay than having to explain. A lot easier to just take it one day at a time. Never thought I would be here, though.

Never would have imagined it in a million years.

I get it why I keep being told that I'm too young to have this.... I get it. Because most women get diagnosed later in their years. And you know what? Ovarian cancer is the fifth deadliest cancer for women. It is a silent killer.

There is no way to detect it earlier, but there are symptoms that every women should be aware of:
  • Bloating
  • Pelvic or abdominal pain
  • Trouble eating or feeling full quickly
  • Feeling the need to urinate urgently or often

Other symptoms of ovarian cancer can include:
  • Fatigue
  • Upset stomach or heartburn
  • Back pain
  • Pain during sex
  • Constipation 
  • Menstrual changes

If you exhibit any or all of those symptoms, please Take Early Action and Live. According to whyteal.org, "this year, more than 22,000 women will be newly diagnosed." That's about 1 in 71 women. And it so happened to be me being 1 ....

Please take care. I doubt I will be here as much. Maybe I'll turn this into a journal of sorts ... I used to write as an outlet for everything... nowadays, it's just ... painful.

I have been very lucky to have met the people I've met in my life. They help shape me into who I am today. I have been hurt, been forgotten by so-called friends, and even called names. And I have forgiven them all. I don't need people like that in my life. I am doing fine on my own... kind of. I'm still here. Living it day by day.

Maybe I'll write a more poignant, emotional post later on. I do have an appointment -a follow up- on October 28. I would ask for luck, but it is a wee bit past time for that.