Saturday, November 05, 2011

Remember, remember the fifth of November ...

[I'm going to be incredibly random in this post because right now, I really don't know what I'm thinking, but what I'm feeling is quite intense. I'm not sure what to make of it.]

It's November, and pretty soon it'll be December. And then, it'll be the year 2012.

I don't know why, but all day today -rather yesterday since now it's 11/5- I have been feeling quite "off" ... it's been weird needless to say.

I'm not sure what to say. I had this entire post that I wanted to say, but I guess it just won't come. I don't know why I find it hard to open up. Sometimes, I'm in a conversation and I know what I want to say, but something else comes out, and it just ... I guess it hurts that I myself can trust myself to open up. It makes me wonder what else do I have buried deep within me because I'm not helping myself any. I end up hurting people I love and care for.

It seems to me that I have a pattern of self-destruction, and it has decided to resurface.

You know, if I had were still with that one guy, it would've been our ninth year anniversary this coming Sunday. And I'm not saying I want to be with him; we were totally wrong for each other. But if we were... what a milestone that would've been! Since that relationship, I haven't stayed with anyone for more than two years... I find myself floating. He was the first person I really opened up, too, and well, I'm still ... I don't know.

I wonder too many what-ifs. I just want to curl up somewhere and hide. I guess, in a way, I do that anyways. There are people in my life who want to get close, and I'm such a tease, and let them think they are getting close, but really, they aren't because I only say so much, and then, I clam up.

I'm just ... I really shouldn't be this closed up, but I find myself to be. That first cut was the deepest, and I'm uncertain if I ever recovered from that. I like to think I do, but it's just ...

I used to write all the time: all my thoughts, feelings, dreams, and hell, stories and poetry and songs, and nowadays, I just ...

I don't have my best friend from college any more. I'm not wearing the rose-colored glasses any more. I don't have the fairy tale I once dreamed. I don't have a lot in terms of quality, but nor do I have a lot of quantity. I've been quite selective with who I befriend, with who I call "friend" and everything else in-between.

I want the primary things in life: to be loved and love in return. And sometimes, it is easier to say that than to do.

I really don't know where my mind is at the moment. There's a burning within me for something, and I just can't point my finger on it. It's like I'm missing something important and it's right there in front of me and I just can't touch it.

Today was just not my day. I may need a day to myself or something, just explore. To think. To reenergize.