Friday, February 25, 2011

handle with care by jraquino

... "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her" -from Notting Hill
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Thursday, February 24, 2011

you don't deserve me...

So, ever since I can remember [after I realized that becoming a singer or an astronaut wasn't really what I wanted to be] I wanted to be a lawyer. An attorney. An Esquire. And I'm currently on the path to that goal, but lately, I've realized that maybe I don't want to become one of those people because they have no souls.

Some have souls, but you can see it in their eyes, in their stride that as much as they love their job, it is quite literally killing them. Slowly, but it is. And I already have this perspective that my life is going to end when I least expect it because truthfully, I push the buttons extremely these days on others, and I have probably pissed off the wrong kind of people so don't be surprised when the 10 o'clock news shows a rockstar paralegal with her face down in the White River, floating sans clothing and probably assaulted physically and sexually, etc ... yea, depressing I know but hey, it's life, and I know I have made some people mad enough to go and murder me. Sorry there, I digress...

Anyways... I have realized in the last few days that if I were to continue down this path, inevitably I will be a lawyer, and after that, a Judge followed by becoming a Justice, and just maybe a Chief Justice, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

This is possible, but I'm not sure if I'm cut out for that cutthroat business. I'm losing hope as it is in humanity, and faith is not too far behind, either. I'm just sick of people wasting their lives and wasting chances and opportunities that fall onto their laps. Part of the reason why I haven't said yes to the admissions lady from the kick ass law school is financially, I cannot afford it. Not even with scholarships thrown in, and loans. I don't want to be in debt for the rest of my life; I want to do something now because time waits for no one.

And I realize I'm not getting any younger, though I don't look like my age. Never have looked like my age. Don't act my age, either.

I don't like getting disappointed. I'm used to it, and just people letting me down. I'm tired of investing time in others who don't invest time in me. More to the point, I think from now on, everyone gets one chance - with exceptions I suppose but I'll take that into consideration on a case by case basis.

I'm tired of caring. Loving. I'm tired of giving and giving, and getting nothing in return. So, for the rest of this week, I will not be posting.

Instead, I'll be telepathically sending out messages to the world, to humanity... and see if anyone picks up on the message. I doubt it, but who knows. Perhaps the universe itself will answer.

losing hope

Sometimes, I find myself lying just to see if the other person that I'm in a conversation with is actually paying attention, and you know what? For the most part, no they aren't. No one ever listens these days. Honesty is the best policy, or so, I've been told, and it may very well be the truth that honesty is the best policy, but these days, everything is sugarcoated. Nothing is ever simple, and really, life is very simple, but we tend to make it most difficult and complicated.

I would have loved to take the easy route in life, but no, nothing has ever come easy for me. It might seem that I was born with a silver spoon, but you have to remember that every fairy tale has two protagonists: the good and the bad. And right now, I feel as if I'm going through the motions of a story that I should be familiar with, but I'm not.

Being lost to me is not unfamiliar. And yet, for once, I'd like to know if the direction I'm headed to is going anywhere.

I don't plan. I outline, and even that is getting skewed. At the rate I'm going in my life, I will never be a wife or a mother. I am quite literally joint at the hip to my job(s). Thankfully, I like the people I work with; otherwise, I'd be an alcoholic now, and probably a die-hard smoker, too, but I'm not.

My stress level is not where it is; I'm very mellow. But I tend to worry, and second guess myself. Yes, I know I show a very confident face to the world, but inside, that's not me. I wonder if the real me will ever surface. She did for awhile, but she's been hiding lately.

No one knows me. And you know what? I wish someone did... except I'm scared. I don't want to get hurt, and I'm done with people lying to me. Or giving me excuses. At this point, everyone has one shot. One chance. Don't waste it. Because there won't be a second one.

I don't like being lied to; who in their right mind would?

I understand the concept of being busy and being too busy. I may just truly drop off the face of the planet, and disappear for awhile... it's not that I'm losing hope because I have plenty, but what ever hope I have left is slowly dissipating. The well that contains all the goodness that I believe humanity is capable of is drying up... perhaps I'm being way too cynical, but it's not that... well, partly it could be I suppose.

I don't like to disappoint anyone, but you know what? If I'm always going to get disappointed, hell I might just start.

There's no point giving your best if no one else is.

... in all seriousness, I don't like liars, cheaters, and promise breakers. This is why you don't make promises because promises can and will be broken.

What's the point of giving it your all when no one cares?

I really, really wished that my heart didn't feel. So done with people, though. I'll be nice still, but my eyes have definitely lost some of its shine. I have to get tougher. Be mean. I can't be this naive, nice girl any more... people aren't inherently good. It's a dog eat dog world out there.

I just ... /sighs.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Trying this post by mobile... let's see if it works. Currently, well, thinking. /sighs I wish I can turn off certain parts of me like thinking. I think too much, feel too much, and eh, too busy these days. I never imagined being a workaholic. Lol. But, I also find myself appreciating some aspects of my life that I never really cared previously. I miss someone, though. And no, I am not talking about Dr.Fast&Furious, but yes I miss him, too... the someone I miss is me. These days, I don't know where my head is; I know where it goes and my heart comes along with.... I miss me. Today, I was called "delightful" :) speaking of today, I am tired, but the truth is, if Dr.Fast&Furious were to just text or call or just show up, I would quit being anti-social.... but I kinda like having this alone time. It's been awhile since I spent some time with myself. But, the girl in me who fancies herself in love just wants to kick it with her guy. Don't matter what we do; just want to be with him. Weird.
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/just saying

The phrase "ignorance is bliss" comes to mind, but really, it can be bliss. However, not all the time.

I find myself thinking too much; though, that's always something I do. I feel too much, too. I would love to turn off my emotions and just have a very boring day.

I don't like being busy, but at the same time, it's a great distraction.


If love is a game that two can play, why is there a losing side?