Saturday, June 11, 2011

a little cleaning up was necessary

I deleted some entries and I might delete an entire month full of posts to be quite honest...

I started this year full of beginnings, and some of those beginnings had unforeseeable endings, but I'm still here, going strong and getting better.

I have a pocket full of hopeful dreams, and a smile that has yet to leave my face. Though, yes I have been doing a lot of pretending lately, and those who are close to me know why. Anyways, enough about that.

So, July looms rather quickly, and I have more weddings to go to with B *smiles* Personally, I like weddings; I just hope the bouquet doesn't get tossed towards me again. Or land near or on my feet. I do wonder when my wedding will happen, and I assure you, it'll happen... I just don't know when.

I want to get settled down... have a steady job that hopefully I don't hate, and a place that I can call home... perhaps someone to come home to...

I have had so many dreams of late that I can hardly wait for any of them to come true.

Does it make me a greedy person if I want it all? A career, a man I love... I want it all. But, most people put one before the other in importance whereas I want both and equally find both love and career important, and I strive for both, which really could be my downfall but it could also been seen as one of my strengths.

Right now, I'm missing home... and counting down the days until I go back.

Friday, June 10, 2011

oh, the things i learn

I learned some more things about my past today... and I'm not sure how to feel about it, but I know one thing for sure that I have more respect for mother.

And oh, that I'm more like her, even though we aren't blood, than I ever knew.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Meeting the family

Meeting the family ... always scary, right? Well, my cousin, whom I'm visiting, brought it up that she -as well as the rest of the family- would absolutely love to meet B.

Tentative meeting place is at Journey on 96th St... a joint celebration of two birthdays and a wedding anniversary.

Ever seen the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Well, that's my family except we're Filipinos.

Personally, I'm scared... I don't know if B is ready to meet everyone -and when I say "everyone" it is more or less the immediate, extended family- but my cousin has given out the invite to me to give to B.

I'm not sure if B can go since he has one of his brothers with him still that weekend so if it's a late lunch, it is a maybe, but if it is dinner, it may just work out. Who knows. I don't know.

But, I for one, am scared for him to meet everyone because well, I just ... I really, really want everyone to like him.

I think it's just that I'm more or less nervous about him meeting everyone. My family's dynamics are weird at best. Don't really have a word for it... We have this "we're put together" front to the public, but no, we really aren't. I guess everyone has their own problems, you know. My family, though, ... I don't know. I'm not close to most of them, but maybe a handful, well, less than a handful. Can't really be too close to people who will hurt you; though, for the most part, its unintentional. I have a lot of relatives who lack tact. And I'm sensitive.

I know that when B meets the family, especially mother, that I will have to be at my best behavior... my family has this amazing ability to make me feel very insecure about myself. It is a constant battle I hope to win ... being at war with my family is something I've dealt with my entire life. I haven't won many battles, but the few victories have been worth it.

Anyways, I have digressed a bit...

I feel as if slowly but surely I'm opening up... and that itself is scary. /shrugs

I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, even if it's heavily-guarded.

Love this :)

lightning strikes when it wants to

So, how is everyone doing? I haven't been regularly posting as I used to, but what can you do? These days, I have more to say, but I find myself at a loss for words...

I find myself in a new relationship with someone who is smitten with me, which works well because I fancy him back. It's just ... weird, you know? To have someone who shares the same intensity as I do, and sometimes, more than I do, but he's better at hiding it than I am.

The relationship is pretty new, practically at that "honeymoon" stage, but personally-speaking, I'm hoping for a great outcome.

I know how I am, though. When I fall, I fall hard... and it's getting harder trying to not to get attached, and I know very well that I am getting there. Slowing down ... I'm trying to put the brakes, and he's not pressuring me, either, but a part of me feels as if it's too soon to be feeling the way that I do, but lightning strikes wherever and whenever it wants to, and to say the least, I think I've been struck.

B makes me want to stay and leave at the same time... well, not him exactly but more or less, it's me being afraid of getting hurt. But, I'm trying. I'm trying and sometimes, my guard goes down on its own. My walls are crumbling slowly; the door to my heart isn't unbreakable... it's accessible, but I don't know if I want to give the key so easily... though, let's be honest here: I think I've already done that.

Knowing the difference between what's real and what's not is tricky. I was pretty certain that I was in love with Dr.FastandFurious, which in retrospect, I think I was but it definitely isn't the same feeling that I'm feeling for B... and I thought I was in love with W, and I was but again, the depth of feeling isn't the same as how I feel for B.

W had commitment issues, and Dr.FastandFurious put his education and career first. Me? I want it all: I want the love of a lifetime within my arms [or me in his arms] while we both strive for our career goals... while we work together in learning more about each other, sharing doubts, losses, and victories ... just me and him against the world.

B is different from both W and Dr.FastandFurious... and me with my usual self had no idea that he was interested in me. I was oblivious to it, but one Friday night changed all of that. And here we are ...

I'm not where I am normally; currently visiting cousins in another State, and I miss B. Like a lot. Probably more than I should, but I do. This island born/city girl is smitten with a certain country boy :) He doesn't likes to be called a teddy bear, but he's my teddy bear, my B.

Ha. I sound like a romantic, and perhaps I am, but I've never been a hopeless romantic. I like to think of myself as a hopeful one.

I'm not much of a planner, but I do like to be prepared for whatever else Life is going to throw at me. I have so much I want to do and experience, and so very little time to do it all.

I guess I should just sit back and enjoy the ride... or something akin to that. Anyways... Summer is here! Hot, sweaty days with cool, breezy nights.