searching ...

Most days, I feel as if I'm searching for something that I wasn't even aware of that I've lost, and it makes no sense to me because I didn't know I had lost something to begin with. Granted, I have lost quite too many loved ones this year and it's only in its fifth month. And I have opened myself up to others while I have closed the connection to some... and some days, I just want to go. Where I'm going is a complete surprise because I don't know where I would go, but I just want to go. And leave. Just be somewhere else than here. 


I'm tired of "here" ... and I don't know, but every year, I get the urge to leave. To pack up and just go. To have this insane idea of selling everything I own and leave for somewhere else. I feel like I don't really belong anyways. I feel as if I'm always on the outskirts of something, and where I'm supposed to be is anywhere else, but here. 


I feel incredibly lost. Thankfully, I'm a great pretender. I pretend things are okay when really they aren't. But I pretend anyways. I pretend because it's easier to smile than having to explain why I'm sad. 


Is it bad that I just want to go? Is it bad that I want to in the next chapter of my life already? Is it bad that I want to be left alone to my thoughts most days even though I know it is more dangerous than it is safe? Is it bad that I want to push everyone away because damn it, my guards weren't supposed to be down and I don't want to expose myself any longer... it's like I'm at war with myself. 


Then again, I've been at war with myself for the longest time. And there has been no sign of a ceasefire happening any time soon. 


/sighs

such an amazing actress i am

I've been on auto-pilot the past few weeks ever since I got the bad news, and the thing is, I don't really show it because well, that's just me. And I keep getting asked if I am okay, and I just smile and nod that I am, when really I am not because again, I don't want to let down my guard because I don't want to get hurt, right? But, it came to me that if I were to continue this thread of distancing myself from everyone, eventually someone is going to notice and call me out on it.... thankfully it hasn't happened, yet, but I have a feeling it will. And with how my luck is going lately, I'm probably going to lose another person or two or several this year because it seems every year, someone else closer to me bites the dust because of cancer or some other lame disease, or a natural disaster takes them away, or hell, they decided to be selfish and commit suicide, and really I don't mind doing that myself because I just don't want to care any more, but I don't because I can't, and a lot of people would be mad at me if I were to do that so I don't and aside from all the chaos that is raining down on me, I still get up in the morning, and very grateful that I am breathing. 

Is it too much to ask to just be nowadays? I feel as if I'm running low and quite frankly, I'm operating on fumes. I don't know how others do this on a daily basis. I have a big family because the extended also talks to the main branch, which is weird considering how so much backstabbing goes on and gossiping, too, so it's weird. 

I haven't really cried... I've lost too much this year, and I have no idea when the luck will change for the better. Though, if you were to take a look at me at this moment, the pain is all there to see. Just one gaze into my eyes... I have big bags under my eyes. I don't want to tell anyone how I feel, or open up but I find myself being coerce to, because a lot of people care, which I don't quite understand but okay. I appreciate it. 

Today is my cousin's viewing, and tomorrow, there's a mass for her at 10am followed by the funeral. She was only 44 years old. She wasn't that older than me, and she had so much life within her that it's so unfair. She was always smiling even though she herself may not be feeling well. 

I find myself doing the same... smiling even though I don't feel it. But I do it anyways for everyone else. Because I don't know what to say when I'm asked if I'm okay so I smile in response or infuse some real sincerity in my voice when I say I'm okay or I'm fine when I'm not. 

However, I do know that I'm a mess. I don't know how to get out of this, either. I want to know if things will get better, and if there will be a cure some day for cancer, and if I'm going to lose any more people in my life this year because I don't know if I could handle that. I have been treading water for so long that my legs are tired, and I just want to succumb, but I don't know why I'm still here. 

I really don't know any more... 

I guess the whole losing weight is kinda cool lol. I feel smaller every day, and yes, I do eat, but not enough I guess. Just enough to get by to be honest. I suppress the urge to regurgitate more often than not, though. 

//shrugs

You will be missed...

My cousin died today. Last year, Tita Madre died today, and today is her first death anniversary.

I think the ugliest word is cancer. And it has taken away too many of my loved ones.

I'm usually resilient, but I'm already feeling as if I'm drowning. I keep telling myself to keep going, and even though I cannot help myself, I can be there for my family.

Tita Cathy, I miss you.