Undisclosed Truth

I use to find joy in writing. Writing was how I expressed myself.... I poured my entire being into a story. And whatever story it was that I was currently writing at the time, it became a part of me. And now I'm writing a more personal story, and this time you have no idea how scared I am.

People used to hang out with me because they thought I was someone who I wasn't .... this enjoyable person that loved to go clubbing and dancing and drinking, which really I do like that doing that stuff, but that isn't me. I splurged and treated "friends" on many occasion, but I got tired of it and the more I showed who I am inside, the more people couldn't believe that was me. But yes, I'm not that person, and as much as I wanted to be that carefree individual, I'm not.

For those who know me, I'm very private which is the opposite of my alter-ego. I loved the attention, not gonna lie. I did enjoy, but I'm not the social butterfly everyone thought I was...

I was someone like that before, but that isn't me. I'm shy, but I do get out of my shell more often than I like. And this new path in my life is one of the hardest ones I will ever have traveled. Harder than the path it took me to find out who my birth parents are.

I want to say I'm doing it alone, but I'm not alone. I have a stable foundation. It's rocky because I keep pushing people away. That's me on the defense... and I appreciate each and every one of them very much. They are my foundation, my rock.

And I don't know how to thank them. I don't know how to show it. Aside from saying 'thank you,' but they deserve more than that...

I love them. And love is scary, too. I have been hurt way too many times. So I push ... me on the defensive. But the people who I have it my life now. They see me struggle and in pain, but they don't leave me. They keep me going. Every time I'm negative, someone has a positive thing to say. Or do.

Honestly, I have no idea how I'm supposed to do this ...  it's painful. And I have no idea how to put myself together. Or how to keep going. Nights are the hardest; it's when the tears sneak up and I can't hold them any longer.

I'm not sure how to cope. All I can do is not give up and keep going. Think positively. Keep smiling and fake it until it becomes reality.

... I am overwhelmed.