let's revisit last year, shall we?

After a somewhat-brief hiatus, I'm sort of back to the world of blogging. And as the title of this entry indicates, let's take a walk down memory lane.

Last year was a year of many changes... the year started out strong, wavered for awhile, went up and down like a roller-coaster, and ended on a hopeful note.

I thought of writing this long entry about things I've found out and still trying to decipher through, and now, I'm not sure if I want to because most of what was discovered is a bit of a painful wound to me. I'm not exactly certain what I should do about it. It's like a puzzle of which I know for a fact that I don't have all the pieces to, yet.

My past remains shrouded in mystery and for now, my curiosity's appetite has been curbed. So, in the very least, the dragon lays undisturbed and asleep... until the next influx of explorers decide to uncover more answers by using their arrows and swords of which are fortified with questions. I'll find out one way or the other the knowledge I see from the sleeping dragon.

Aside from my past, everything sort of remained the same: I gained new friendships, lost a few friends, have had some friends become more like acquaintances, and have been in the most rewarding relationship I've had in my adult life. B and I, we're not the most compatible couple, but somehow, we make it work.

And with these friendships growing and dying, I've learned more about myself, and I know that I'm loner by choice. I like being social, and can be a butterfly, but let's face it: I'm a loner. I like my corner, and yes, it can be lonely. Yet, I'm more an observer. I'm not much for the spotlight. And last year, that spotlight was on me far more than it has ever been in my life.

I've changed - a lot- last year, and I'm not sure if I'm happy with the changes or not, but I do know that I miss some people, and others of whom I've gotten closer to without meaning to, well, that was a surprise- the best kind of surprise. It shows that even mere strangers can be the best of pals. It's a comforting thought nonetheless.

I guess that's life. And the start of this year has been fascinating.


I can't wait to see what else this year has in store for me.

a rant .. of sorts

So many things end up changing that I'm not sure if I can handle it.


I feel like I'm losing ... I'm not on the winning side any more it seems.

I guess I'll just keep going and try to figure out what I can do to hold on to some things and learn how to "go along" with other things.

/sighs

Remember, remember the fifth of November ...

[I'm going to be incredibly random in this post because right now, I really don't know what I'm thinking, but what I'm feeling is quite intense. I'm not sure what to make of it.]

It's November, and pretty soon it'll be December. And then, it'll be the year 2012.

I don't know why, but all day today -rather yesterday since now it's 11/5- I have been feeling quite "off" ... it's been weird needless to say.


I'm not sure what to say. I had this entire post that I wanted to say, but I guess it just won't come. I don't know why I find it hard to open up. Sometimes, I'm in a conversation and I know what I want to say, but something else comes out, and it just ... I guess it hurts that I myself can trust myself to open up. It makes me wonder what else do I have buried deep within me because I'm not helping myself any. I end up hurting people I love and care for.

It seems to me that I have a pattern of self-destruction, and it has decided to resurface.

You know, if I had were still with that one guy, it would've been our ninth year anniversary this coming Sunday. And I'm not saying I want to be with him; we were totally wrong for each other. But if we were... what a milestone that would've been! Since that relationship, I haven't stayed with anyone for more than two years... I find myself floating. He was the first person I really opened up, too, and well, I'm still ... I don't know.

I wonder too many what-ifs. I just want to curl up somewhere and hide. I guess, in a way, I do that anyways. There are people in my life who want to get close, and I'm such a tease, and let them think they are getting close, but really, they aren't because I only say so much, and then, I clam up.

I'm just ... I really shouldn't be this closed up, but I find myself to be. That first cut was the deepest, and I'm uncertain if I ever recovered from that. I like to think I do, but it's just ...

I used to write all the time: all my thoughts, feelings, dreams, and hell, stories and poetry and songs, and nowadays, I just ...

I don't have my best friend from college any more. I'm not wearing the rose-colored glasses any more. I don't have the fairy tale I once dreamed. I don't have a lot in terms of quality, but nor do I have a lot of quantity. I've been quite selective with who I befriend, with who I call "friend" and everything else in-between.

I want the primary things in life: to be loved and love in return. And sometimes, it is easier to say that than to do.


I really don't know where my mind is at the moment. There's a burning within me for something, and I just can't point my finger on it. It's like I'm missing something important and it's right there in front of me and I just can't touch it.

Today was just not my day. I may need a day to myself or something, just explore. To think. To reenergize.