a little bit introspective - a reflection

Piano Duel [from Jay Chou's The Secret, part 2 of 11)

Ever since I can remember, I've had this fascination with music... always singing, and at times, off-key, and always dancing without even realizing it. I got better, though, in curbing my fascination with music, and now, I have a constant playlist playing in my head. But, sometimes, it slips out... whistling under my breath one moment, and the next, humming, which, in turn, becomes a song blossoming in my heart -- and sometimes, it escapes my mouth. Kinda embarrassing when it happens, though, especially at a crowded airport [I've done this twice now. Thankfully, I sang on-key and received applause :)].

Anyways... I've always had a fascination with music. I guess you could say that I've had the same fascination with the written word, which is why I majored in English Creative-Writing in college. I love reading and writing. I don't really like writing papers or doing research, but I'll do it. I much prefer writing poetry, short stories... I loved to write. And nowadays, I barely write :( I just haven't found the inspiration to write any more. I've even lost the motivation to be keep working on my written stuff, too. /shrugs

It seems to me that back then, when I was down/depressed/just didn't have good luck, I wrote better. You could say that my writings are somewhat tied to my emotions, and these days, I keep a tight hold on mine. I wrote to release all of that, and now, I don't even let myself... I used to write frequently in my Xanga blog, but again, just don't have the inspiration to do so of late.

With all of that said, I have reread some of my stories and journal entries, and I've realized that I've changed, possibly grown, but I still retain that reckless me, and I've hurt some people in my life unintentionally. I've let down some people, too. And I've met some new people who brings a little more sunshine to my life, and I'm very grateful for that.

Even though I'm going through a rough patch in my life right now, I know that I have people in my life that I can count on to help me keep going ...

it's been one, hot summer

Of all the years I can remember being in Indiana, this year has to be the HOTTEST year ever.

But, it's been a jam-packed summer! I went to the Indianapolis 500 for the first time, and that was a lot of beer imbibed. Vacationed in Virginia for a bit. Went to Evansville for 4th of July weekend and met a couple of his fraternity brothers. Went to my boyfriend's family reunion the weekend after 4th of July, and well, met his entire family :) Went to my first country concert -- Tim McGraw, Luke Bryan, and the Band Perry. Won tickets to a free Live Nation concert [Mayhem festival], which I cannot go because I'm headed out of town for a wedding the same weekend.

And this upcoming weekend, I'm going to my third wedding this year. Here's hoping I don't catch the bouquet in this one, too. At my friend's wedding in June, I had actually caught the bouquet, but I let it go and my friend's cousin got it. I've caught it once already this year (the wedding I went to in April, caught it there), and I really don't need to catch it any more - though, after this wedding, there's three more to go. My boyfriend's frat brothers are getting married left and right... all of them in October.

Job-hunting ... well, it goes.

My headaches have been less frequent (thank God), but yea... realizations come and go, but mine stay. They always stay. But you know what? Live, laugh, and love.

I'm feeling more like myself these days, but I'm not the same.

new perspective

There are some things in life that I guess I will never have, and usually, I'm okay with that. But, these days I find it hard to remain positive and upbeat, and I don't like it. 

I'm slowly becoming apathetic, losing my once effervescent, energetic self to whatever I am now. 

I find myself floating amongst my friends. I don't feel grounded, and I have become less attached. 

There are days I leave my cell on vibrate, and at times, find myself choosing who to respond to when I receive a text. And most calls go straight to voicemail. 

I find myself revisiting moments that have occurred, and reminiscing memories... but just this once, I'd like to have what I want. Is that too much to ask? 

I have this need to cry and I'm afraid I'm actually going to, and my once stoic, aloof me ... well, she hasn't been around for quite some time. I'm emotional. I can't help it, but think. And thinking just gets me sad. 

Realizations aren't hard to come by for me any more. I get them more and more every day, but it makes me sad. I don't like being sad. 

And tears? I cry more inside than I let show. There's more to me than what the eye can see.