we're all dying the minute we come out of that womb

It's true.








Depressing, right? Wrong. It's reality. Whether people die because of natural disasters happening, or of natural causes like just being old, or because of selfish reasons like suicide, people DIE all the time.

I'm coming off as a heartless bitch, aren't I? Ha. I wish I could be a heartless bitch, but damn me and my emotions. Ever since the tsunami hit Japan...

eventually, I will cry and let it out. I always end up crying and letting it out. But right now, I'm numb, and a damn good actress. With the exception of a few people, no one knows how close I am to losing my composure. I hear some of his favorite songs, and not even a tear can squeeze through my almond-shaped eyes.

I don't know why, but this is hard. Today hurt. I've lost too many good friends in the span of a few months, not even a few months. Two for selfish suicidal reasons, and this most recent loss happened because of an earthquake-inspired tsunami.

Half of me wonders if it would have been better had I thought he was still one of the missing... he was a strong swimmer. And the other half is glad to know that he is no longer missing, but no longer of this plane of existence. He's gone. My friend Will is gone.

I get too close to many people, and really, I don't know if I could this any more. I care way more than I should, but my friends are a part of my life. And sometimes, they are my family. And this, losing Will... it felt like I lost a part of me.

A huge part of me because he was always there [when there's a Will, you'll always have me is what he always said... guess no one should use the word "always" either] .... and now he's gone.

Just gone.





Happy birthday, Will. I miss you.

unfamiliar territory

I find myself in an unfamiliar territory again ... and Beyonce's "Broken-Hearted Girl" is on repeat in my head followed by Radiohead's "Lotus Flower", "Thinking of You", "Paranoid Android", "You", which are followed by Keri Hilson's "Knock You Down", Nate Dogg & Warren G's "Regulate", Tiesto's "Just Be", Rammstein's "Du Hast", Jamie Foxx's "Fall For Your Type", Chopin's various etudes ...

It's like I have a soundtrack...


But this unfamiliar territory I speak of is very brand-new to me.

I feel as if I'm drowning and I'm on land. Vaguely hanging on. Threads. Pieces of me are falling. My energy is not where it usually is and whomever stole my energy needs to give it back. I don't like this. I don't like this feeling, and I wish to hell that I can just spread my wings and fly away.

And just go and be anywhere else but where I am.



Is it so bad that I just want to break down and give in? To just want to step over the edge and who cares where it takes me.... I just want o.u.t. I'm fairly resilient and adaptable, but the changes that are flowing around me are going way too fast, and this pace is going too fast, and I just need a break.

A break.

My anchor is gone for the time being or forever, not sure. My feelings haven't changed. I know he's not ready. I can't help but internalize everything but I feel as if I should vent, hit something, cry... something, but it is all being kept inside.

I can act like I'm fine, great, fantastic .... when I'm not. And yes, there is a rainbow after a storm, but that seems far away.

It seems all I do is wait, and I should act, but what should I do? I have options, but these aren't the options I want ..... I want oranges not lemons. I want coffee not energy drinks. I want you and no one else... who knows if that will stay the same the next several years. I'm open to dating others, but my heart is vehemently saying no, while my head is saying go and experience.

I don't want to do this any more. The one thing I'm certain of is the ticking bomb on the back of my head. That can go off any time. Hell, it might just happen sooner than anyone else is expecting.

AT least, I can say that I tried. I tried doing, and I took chances, and leaps of faith are awesome and all, but I guess perhaps this is my chance to focus on me, and a little less on everyone else.

And shopping... ugh. I detest shopping; but I'm losing weight and I need clothes that fit, not hang.



I really need a break. But, I'm going full-speed ahead.

im doing it all wrong?

Lately, I've been thinking...




... and so far, some things don't make sense while others do. At this rate, I don't know if I should keep going and paddle along with the current, or if I should paddle against it. Quite frankly, I want to ... just be.

With that said, how is it possible that I can get into a kickass law school but not an in-state law school? It's beginning to piss me off. All of these offers to attend these kickass law schools are beginning to annoy me because a) because these law schools are practically tier 1 schools and they WANT me whereas b) the in-state law school -the ones that are financially in my range, mind you- don't want me/choose to wait-list me/admission counselors are as confused as I am of why I've been wait-listed ...

It's not like I did bad on the LSATs, and not to toot my own horn, but I did pretty well, and I really don't want to freakin' retake the LSAT but it sure looks like I'm going to because the in-state law schools just don't want me in ... and my GPA isn't bad, either, so really: where am I going wrong?


I worked hard for my score --- I'm an emotional, compassionate human being who is willingly putting her soul on the line for the next few years it'll take to mold me into a soul-sucking lawyer [but no, I'm not handing my soul over; instead, I'm going to partition a part of me in becoming a soul-sucking lawyer while maintaining who I am at the core because frankly, no amount of logic bullshit/law know-how will ever change me], and not a single in-state law school (at least the ones who have my LSAT scores, & other stuffz) want me.

It's like the state of Indiana is willingly letting me go to another state to get my law degree, and the chances of me coming back to this state would be less than .2% ...

... I've heard from other kickass law schools, and as much as I would love to go to any one of those or hell, one of them is my dream school, the debt I would acquire after those few years is just ... insurmountable. I'm already in debt, but it's workable. However, if I were to add to that debt with law school debt... just thinking of that makes my head spin.


I'm one class away from my certification, but you know what? With how this whole law school process is going for me, I might just "to hell with it!" and get my BSN; at least, I know with certain programs I can that done within two years, and yes, I might have to give up my law, but medical has always been in my blood... I just refused to acknowledge it all these years because everyone in my family is in the medical field either as a nurse or a doctor, and law was always were I was heading [though, moonlighting as a singer doesn't sound bad...]

/sighs