Wednesday, March 16, 2011

unfamiliar territory

I find myself in an unfamiliar territory again ... and Beyonce's "Broken-Hearted Girl" is on repeat in my head followed by Radiohead's "Lotus Flower", "Thinking of You", "Paranoid Android", "You", which are followed by Keri Hilson's "Knock You Down", Nate Dogg & Warren G's "Regulate", Tiesto's "Just Be", Rammstein's "Du Hast", Jamie Foxx's "Fall For Your Type", Chopin's various etudes ...

It's like I have a soundtrack...

But this unfamiliar territory I speak of is very brand-new to me.

I feel as if I'm drowning and I'm on land. Vaguely hanging on. Threads. Pieces of me are falling. My energy is not where it usually is and whomever stole my energy needs to give it back. I don't like this. I don't like this feeling, and I wish to hell that I can just spread my wings and fly away.

And just go and be anywhere else but where I am.

Is it so bad that I just want to break down and give in? To just want to step over the edge and who cares where it takes me.... I just want o.u.t. I'm fairly resilient and adaptable, but the changes that are flowing around me are going way too fast, and this pace is going too fast, and I just need a break.

A break.

My anchor is gone for the time being or forever, not sure. My feelings haven't changed. I know he's not ready. I can't help but internalize everything but I feel as if I should vent, hit something, cry... something, but it is all being kept inside.

I can act like I'm fine, great, fantastic .... when I'm not. And yes, there is a rainbow after a storm, but that seems far away.

It seems all I do is wait, and I should act, but what should I do? I have options, but these aren't the options I want ..... I want oranges not lemons. I want coffee not energy drinks. I want you and no one else... who knows if that will stay the same the next several years. I'm open to dating others, but my heart is vehemently saying no, while my head is saying go and experience.

I don't want to do this any more. The one thing I'm certain of is the ticking bomb on the back of my head. That can go off any time. Hell, it might just happen sooner than anyone else is expecting.

AT least, I can say that I tried. I tried doing, and I took chances, and leaps of faith are awesome and all, but I guess perhaps this is my chance to focus on me, and a little less on everyone else.

And shopping... ugh. I detest shopping; but I'm losing weight and I need clothes that fit, not hang.

I really need a break. But, I'm going full-speed ahead.

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