Thursday, February 24, 2011

losing hope

Sometimes, I find myself lying just to see if the other person that I'm in a conversation with is actually paying attention, and you know what? For the most part, no they aren't. No one ever listens these days. Honesty is the best policy, or so, I've been told, and it may very well be the truth that honesty is the best policy, but these days, everything is sugarcoated. Nothing is ever simple, and really, life is very simple, but we tend to make it most difficult and complicated.

I would have loved to take the easy route in life, but no, nothing has ever come easy for me. It might seem that I was born with a silver spoon, but you have to remember that every fairy tale has two protagonists: the good and the bad. And right now, I feel as if I'm going through the motions of a story that I should be familiar with, but I'm not.

Being lost to me is not unfamiliar. And yet, for once, I'd like to know if the direction I'm headed to is going anywhere.

I don't plan. I outline, and even that is getting skewed. At the rate I'm going in my life, I will never be a wife or a mother. I am quite literally joint at the hip to my job(s). Thankfully, I like the people I work with; otherwise, I'd be an alcoholic now, and probably a die-hard smoker, too, but I'm not.

My stress level is not where it is; I'm very mellow. But I tend to worry, and second guess myself. Yes, I know I show a very confident face to the world, but inside, that's not me. I wonder if the real me will ever surface. She did for awhile, but she's been hiding lately.

No one knows me. And you know what? I wish someone did... except I'm scared. I don't want to get hurt, and I'm done with people lying to me. Or giving me excuses. At this point, everyone has one shot. One chance. Don't waste it. Because there won't be a second one.

I don't like being lied to; who in their right mind would?

I understand the concept of being busy and being too busy. I may just truly drop off the face of the planet, and disappear for awhile... it's not that I'm losing hope because I have plenty, but what ever hope I have left is slowly dissipating. The well that contains all the goodness that I believe humanity is capable of is drying up... perhaps I'm being way too cynical, but it's not that... well, partly it could be I suppose.

I don't like to disappoint anyone, but you know what? If I'm always going to get disappointed, hell I might just start.

There's no point giving your best if no one else is.

... in all seriousness, I don't like liars, cheaters, and promise breakers. This is why you don't make promises because promises can and will be broken.

What's the point of giving it your all when no one cares?

I really, really wished that my heart didn't feel. So done with people, though. I'll be nice still, but my eyes have definitely lost some of its shine. I have to get tougher. Be mean. I can't be this naive, nice girl any more... people aren't inherently good. It's a dog eat dog world out there.

I just ... /sighs.


  1. Never lose hope Melissa, it's all we have in this world. I promise everything will work out the way it is meant to.

  2. Sucks that you won't be posting anymore this week... you almost had the whole month done! Only 4 more days. In any case I hope the things that are bothering you get better.