Thursday, February 24, 2011

you don't deserve me...

So, ever since I can remember [after I realized that becoming a singer or an astronaut wasn't really what I wanted to be] I wanted to be a lawyer. An attorney. An Esquire. And I'm currently on the path to that goal, but lately, I've realized that maybe I don't want to become one of those people because they have no souls.

Some have souls, but you can see it in their eyes, in their stride that as much as they love their job, it is quite literally killing them. Slowly, but it is. And I already have this perspective that my life is going to end when I least expect it because truthfully, I push the buttons extremely these days on others, and I have probably pissed off the wrong kind of people so don't be surprised when the 10 o'clock news shows a rockstar paralegal with her face down in the White River, floating sans clothing and probably assaulted physically and sexually, etc ... yea, depressing I know but hey, it's life, and I know I have made some people mad enough to go and murder me. Sorry there, I digress...

Anyways... I have realized in the last few days that if I were to continue down this path, inevitably I will be a lawyer, and after that, a Judge followed by becoming a Justice, and just maybe a Chief Justice, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

This is possible, but I'm not sure if I'm cut out for that cutthroat business. I'm losing hope as it is in humanity, and faith is not too far behind, either. I'm just sick of people wasting their lives and wasting chances and opportunities that fall onto their laps. Part of the reason why I haven't said yes to the admissions lady from the kick ass law school is financially, I cannot afford it. Not even with scholarships thrown in, and loans. I don't want to be in debt for the rest of my life; I want to do something now because time waits for no one.

And I realize I'm not getting any younger, though I don't look like my age. Never have looked like my age. Don't act my age, either.

I don't like getting disappointed. I'm used to it, and just people letting me down. I'm tired of investing time in others who don't invest time in me. More to the point, I think from now on, everyone gets one chance - with exceptions I suppose but I'll take that into consideration on a case by case basis.

I'm tired of caring. Loving. I'm tired of giving and giving, and getting nothing in return. So, for the rest of this week, I will not be posting.

Instead, I'll be telepathically sending out messages to the world, to humanity... and see if anyone picks up on the message. I doubt it, but who knows. Perhaps the universe itself will answer.