Monday, March 14, 2011

the lover writes a one word poem ,"you"

Today, I was told by a complete stranger that I am smart, sexy, and beautiful. Then, was asked, "where have you been my entire life" ... being the polite person that I am, I told him thank you, but was unsure how to respond to his question.

It is true, though. I am smart, but most of the time, I downplay my intelligence. I play the "I'm averagely smart" card with a touch of "airheadness" a lot. I don't know why I do this, but it might be because some men are intimidated by intelligence. There is no way I can intimidate someone; not with my short stature [I'm only five feet tall] or my friendly disposition. However, when it comes to my being smart, I apparently have intimidated some boys in my life. The men I have come across enjoy the challenge.

...which brings up this question: am I conquest?

In my life, I have been told at least a few times that all I ever was to them was a conquest, and admittedly, I was offended (&thankful) by their honesty. No one wants to know that they are just another notch on someone's bedpost. And yes, I have been used way too many times, and somehow, I'm not as jaded or cynical. I still have hope [how ever minuscule that hope may be].

With all of that said, I have been told by friends, acquaintances, and coworkers that I'm a catch, a keeper. If I'm such a keeper, how come... /sighs too many questions swirl in my head.

If I'm all these things: smart, sexy, beautiful, a keeper, wifey material, etc .. how come no one stays?  ... it's very confusing. I'm not alone, but sometimes, I feel lonely. I'm surrounded by people I care for and who cares for me back, surrounded by loved ones. And yet, that sliver of loneliness creeps in... I wish I understood what it is about me that everyone loves about, but isn't willing to stick around OR if they want to stick around, I can't be their someone for I'm already taken... I can offer my friendship and that comes with a certain amount of loyalty, but my heart has been captured by someone else, and my loyalty to him knows no bounds. (And yes, we haven't been able to spend time together, but I understand and he trusts me.)

I guess perhaps what I should do is put my loyalty on reserve... maybe keep myself in check of sorts... I'm not sure. I have been taking leaps of faith here and there that I'm not sure where I am at the moment.

Also, I don't think I'm beautiful. I'm pretty or cute. Adorable comes to mind, but beautiful? I guess I'm not used to the adjective. And sexy? Really?? I'm sexy? ... /shrugs, maybe I just don't see it.

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