Sunday, April 17, 2011

ignorance is bliss

Or so I've heard, and sometimes, yes, being ignorant and not knowing sounds like a fine recipe for disaster. With that said, I would love nothing more to be ignorant now. I know things that hurt me on a daily basis because of the fact that I know of their existence. For instance, what I have laying in the back of my head, this ticking bomb of absolute ending, which may or may not happen this year depending on its rapid, frequent growth. True, I may be covering up the pain and hurt that I feel with a smile, but smiling is the only defense I have against spiraling completely out of control, which some could say, I'm already doing.

No, I'm not okay. Dr.FastandFurious asked me that last night, and my answer was a smile. It's easier to just smile and laugh it up when the reasons lay thick on your tongue. But, no, I can't. I don't say a word because even when people say they care, sometimes that's a lie, too.

I had deactivated my Facebook. Shocker, right? No. It was either deactivate or delete certain people out of it or put those certain people on limited profile.

I caught the bouquet a few weeks ago, and the entire month of March was full of events that yea, my brain cannot compute. My heart certainly is full of emotions. My clothes barely fit; I really should get some pants that do or belts that don't break.

I need a reset. I want to not know what I have that's ticking ever so slowly, patiently waiting to go boom, and my last day may be a day that I don't even know. Actually, I don't know so each day to me is a treasure; it's a treat because I have another chance. I can honestly say I love waking up in the morning, to still be breathing.

I want it to be last September again, when I was more carefree. True, a relationship ended, and W and I went our separate ways, and I don't regret that. What I do regret is jumping so soon into the dating scene, and well, look where that landed me...

I have amazing friends in my life. My family may drive me crazy, but they are my family. Crazy fun times have been had with hopefully more to come. But with all of that, I only need one thing, and well, that's not happening any time soon.

My eyes say it all. My heart feels it all. My head just cannot understand.

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