the lover writes a one word poem ,"you"

Today, I was told by a complete stranger that I am smart, sexy, and beautiful. Then, was asked, "where have you been my entire life" ... being the polite person that I am, I told him thank you, but was unsure how to respond to his question.

It is true, though. I am smart, but most of the time, I downplay my intelligence. I play the "I'm averagely smart" card with a touch of "airheadness" a lot. I don't know why I do this, but it might be because some men are intimidated by intelligence. There is no way I can intimidate someone; not with my short stature [I'm only five feet tall] or my friendly disposition. However, when it comes to my being smart, I apparently have intimidated some boys in my life. The men I have come across enjoy the challenge.

...which brings up this question: am I conquest?

In my life, I have been told at least a few times that all I ever was to them was a conquest, and admittedly, I was offended (&thankful) by their honesty. No one wants to know that they are just another notch on someone's bedpost. And yes, I have been used way too many times, and somehow, I'm not as jaded or cynical. I still have hope [how ever minuscule that hope may be].

With all of that said, I have been told by friends, acquaintances, and coworkers that I'm a catch, a keeper. If I'm such a keeper, how come... /sighs too many questions swirl in my head.

If I'm all these things: smart, sexy, beautiful, a keeper, wifey material, etc .. how come no one stays?  ... it's very confusing. I'm not alone, but sometimes, I feel lonely. I'm surrounded by people I care for and who cares for me back, surrounded by loved ones. And yet, that sliver of loneliness creeps in... I wish I understood what it is about me that everyone loves about, but isn't willing to stick around OR if they want to stick around, I can't be their someone for I'm already taken... I can offer my friendship and that comes with a certain amount of loyalty, but my heart has been captured by someone else, and my loyalty to him knows no bounds. (And yes, we haven't been able to spend time together, but I understand and he trusts me.)

I guess perhaps what I should do is put my loyalty on reserve... maybe keep myself in check of sorts... I'm not sure. I have been taking leaps of faith here and there that I'm not sure where I am at the moment.

Also, I don't think I'm beautiful. I'm pretty or cute. Adorable comes to mind, but beautiful? I guess I'm not used to the adjective. And sexy? Really?? I'm sexy? ... /shrugs, maybe I just don't see it.

the difference ...

I find myself being more picky as I grow older in terms of who I hang out, what I want out of life, and what I need to do.

However, with that said, it's not always going to go "according to plan", which is why I have started to "pencil" things in because plans go awry. They do go wrong.

Lately, my future self has decided to grace me with her presence in my dreams. It's weird seeing me, but I never remember how I look like; I just know it's me, but an older, possibly wiser me. She keeps telling me to keep going, and not give up. And before I get to ask her in what, she answers and tells me not to give up in what I'm currently doing and give love a chance. I see that future me has a ring on her finger, and it makes me wonder to who...

Anyways, I figure it's my subconscious telling me to just keep chugging, to keep going wherever it is I'm suppose to be going. /shrugs Who knows.

What I know right now is that I'm beyond exhausted. Both jobs keep me busy, and having a social life is killing me, too, so I might have to stop for a bit with the social interactions. Although, tomorrow is Mardi Gras, and apparently, my group of friends are doing something. I can tell you right now that a pot or two of coffee will have to suffice for Ash Wednesday.

Is it bad that all I want to do is curl up with my Dr.Fast&Furious on his couch and watch movies all day? I know he's been incredibly busy, too.

Sometimes, I forget that I'm dating someone because we don't see each other, rather, we haven't seen each other since last month; last time I saw we saw each other was February 18, I think.... we had dinner together. And communication between us has been like a text conversation every few days or so. [Yes, unfortunately, my memory is impeccable and so, I don't forget much though with that said, I know that I have selective memory, too, but for the most part, I remember almost if not everything].

I'd like to have a vacation some time soon, but I have no idea when that will happen.... oh! I'm going to be a bridesmaid *smiles* I love weddings, but the whole thing scares me as well so no, I'm in no hurry to get married whatsoever.

avec moi

"I'm a greedy person.

Not in a materialistic, buy-me-expensive-stuff kind of way, but in a lavish-your-time-on-me kind of way. However, the lavishness cannot be a daily thing, I imagine. And as much as I'd like to lounge around all day with him, we would have things to do, places to be, people to meet...

So.

When he does spend time with me, I want him to focus on me and really be spending that time with me. ......Our time spent together, the five or fifteen minutes, the hour or three, needs to be something of worth, even if all we have to say to each other are brief endearments."
[written by ecilla/Xanga] 

some happy couple ....

With that said, I do like presents and will never turn them down, but really, all I want is more time, his time. We're both busy people juggling several tasks simultaneously, but it shouldn't be so hard to free time up, right? Wrong. Because whenever either is free, the other one isn't. Or it is tempting to just keep that free time to one's self and watch a movie while sipping whiskey alone or play video games until it's bedtime... completely understandable. But still. /sighs

And the thing about time is ... it's really not free. It takes minutes to plan, moments turning into hours, days becoming weeks, etc.