Wednesday, February 02, 2011

decisions, decisions

I told a friend of mine yesterday [or was it the day before? I can't remember] that I wasn't going to blog today. But, as it turns out, I am blogging, and why am I blogging? Well, I'm bored for one, and another, I think I just made the wrong choice.

I was offered to go to a pretty kick-ass university for a law school interview. And this kick-ass university happens to be THE dream school I got into [well, I had a couple of dream schools that I wanted to go to (and got in) for college, but didn't go because of reasons that I'd rather not go over again because to this day, I still wonder the what-ifs] before, but I never went, and imagine my surprise when I get a call from them asking me to come in for an interview for their kick-ass law school.

it is not an easy task, though
Had I said yes -- there would have been no doubt in my mind that I would have given both jobs my notice, and started packing; though, law school would not have started until August, and I would've used the money I would have received from selling all of my things minus essentials & clothing [and maybe some other things as well] to find a place, and find a part-time employment [though, not really tooting my own horn here, but I would've received some kind of financial assistance in lieu of loans AND scholarships] before the three grueling years of law school started. Just thinking about it ... sends shivers down my spine. Because I would've been going on the path that I have been wanting to take since I realized being a singer would not have filled my appetite of changing the world so that when I died, a part of me would live on because I don't just want to leave my ashes; I want to give a part of myself to this world that has given me so much.

Anyways, this time I made the decision to not accept... because it would have been such a hassle in getting off from both jobs, and I can't financially go and live out on my own [well, I can but where the law school is located at, omg, I would have to sell a kidney to the black market to survive about a few months' worth of rent because no one is hiring in that part of the country unless I would not mind getting paid shitty and getting shitty hours, too]. And the biggest thing that's holding me back? Myself.

I'm holding myself back because I'm afraid of failing. Well, it's not that I'm afraid of failing; I'm afraid of making myself hope for too much. You see, I'm used to disappointments. Failure is something I'm used to, and that is something I'm trying to change, but change used to scare me, too.

This time, as much as I want to go to law school now, I would have a horrible time in landing a job after I graduate. The job market has not been good to newly graduated lawyers [and some of the newly minted lawyers I know are going back to school to get their paralegal certification].

So, if you didn't get that, yes, I said no to the interview at the kick-ass law school even though they were offering such a sweet deal: expenses paid including flight, hotel stay, & they threw in a companion ticket (I would've taken Dr.FastandFurious with me)!! Yes, I know. I could have just said yes, taken him with, and go to interview and enjoy the metropolitan city & free hotel + meals. It would've been a nice mini-vacation. [[And I really, really need a vacation]]

:sighs: I'm trying to convince myself that this is the best way to go because I would've certainly lost my job(s) had I said yes to going and hell, it wouldn't have been for certain that I would have been accepted [[haha, who am I trying to kid here?! I would so have been in...]] It's just that being wait-listed in a couple of law schools here in Indiana... it has a certain quality of making me think that I'll never get to law school, which of course, is a load of bullshit because I will get in, just not this year, which means I get to take LSAT all over again.

Thinking over it now.... the law firm I work for would have let me go, but it wouldn't have been PTO. And the other job I have, well, that's a maybe because I'm suppose to ask 2 weeks in advance if I can't work, and yea, I guess it would've fallen in that time frame... but sighs.

I guess I'm a coward after all.
Poor cowardly lion ...

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