Friday, February 04, 2011

i am ...

Whenever someone poses the question, "who are you," my immediate response is usually I'm me; who else would I be? But, lately -particularly these last few months-, I have been drawn more to the deeper side of that simple question:

Who am I really?

I'd like to think I know who I am - that I'm me and no one else, that I'm an only child, that I've surrounded with friends and family, etc. But, that's really not an answer, either, and so, I circle back to the question: who am I? Who do I think I am?

I feel as if I'm lost in the woods, and my dumb ass self didn't leave a trail of pebbles to follow back, but breadcrumbs that have long been swept by the wind or have been consumed by various creatures that inhabit the forest. Everywhere I look, I see more forest and shrubbery, and the noises that come out at night are scary and unfamiliar to my untrained ears. I clutch my cloak securely around my small frame. The slight breeze strokes my cheek in a careless caress that I can't help, but wonder if there really is a guardian angel out there -somewhere- watching out for me because as soon as it looks like I'm about to swallowed by the darkness that is straining to hold me in its embrace, there is a light, a slight clearing beckoning me to come towards it, and what else could I do but go in that direction?

As far as I can remember, the second month of every year brings this cloud over me that I can barely brush off. February, the supposed love&happiness month, brings me down to my knees. It's when memories and my past collide in such a way that I'm amazed I haven't imploded yet from the sheer destruction that waits for me on the other side... if I don't go towards the light, I feel trapped. However, even though I yearn to go towards the light, a part of me will always feel as if I've already given up and that part the darkness eagerly embraces and each year, I lose another part of me and I don't know if it's even possible to bring any of those parts back.

The light itself can feel as if its cage. I don't do a lot of things because I don't want to be considered a bad person, but what is a bad person really? What's a good person? All definitions are subjective. And I'm trying to be more objective about everything. I want to see both sides... I want to hear both sides of the story before making my mind, but I know how I work, and sometimes, I've already made up my mind even though I may not be aware of it myself.

There are parts of me that not even my best friends know exist. I say that I want to be real with everyone that crosses my path, but in fact, I hide me so much that I don't even know where me the one I show to everyone and me the one no one has seen start and end. I find it hard to open, but there have been some lucky few who have seen glimpses of me. And I know now that only one of those few even deserved to see me for who I really am.

I despise being used because it's what I'm good for; and that hurts me more than anyone can ever know. I despise being told that I'm beautiful because I don't see it; I'm expressive, yes, but beautiful? I just don't see what's beautiful about me; I think I'm just me, no descriptive words required. I despise being told anything that remotely resembles a compliment, but I've learned to say thank you and if the occasion calls for it, I will give a compliment back.

I'm complicated, but to be completely bereft of any kind of walls, I am really simple. I want the most basic things. Material things come and go, but what I want? They are, more or less, essentials. And I have never, ever been able to just have those essentials. I've come close, but somehow, I end up losing still.

Is it so bad to want it all? To have both career and love? To be successful and well-liked? Is it even possible to just accept things as they are? There are things I need to know about my past that could very well hold the keys to what I need. I need some sort of validation, a proof. Questions swirl around in my head, and I never seem to find the answers.

I guess for now I have to be content with who I am. I am confused for the most part, but I can act so put together, as if I know what I'm doing, when really I don't. I have a smile on my face, but no one really looks closer to see if it reaches my eyes. I am on my own, and I'm tired of being all on my own. I'm tired of looking for answers that I may never get, tired of just being.

I want more, and I know I deserve more. It's the how do I get there that stalls me... I don't want to hold back any more; I want to show who I am, but at what price? I don't want to lose any more of me. I'm tired of sharing and not getting anything in return.

I'm reaching my limit, and still, I end up giving when I should pull back.

I was told once that I need to stop caring so much for everyone, that no one should shoulder such a weight only on their own, and I remember saying that I would love to share this weight, but no one in their right mind would willingly volunteer to do so, not even you.

I can be selfish. I can be mean. I can be many things, but I choose not to... I am and will always be just me. There's so much that I want to show, but I don't. I don't open up any more, even though I say I want to be real. I can't afford it. I'm tired of always showing the world who I am, who I can be, and not get anything back.

There's someone who brings a smile to my face... Dr.FastandFurious probably doesn't even notice how bright my light is, how I glow whenever I'm around him or whenever I think of him. I can't help my reaction; I've denied myself for so long that sometimes, it doesn't even feel as if it's possible... but I'm beginning to accept it may just be one-sided. I shouldn't have but I did and I'm falling incredibly fast; it's amazing how fast, and I don't regret it. I just wish I could know how he feels.

I'm afraid of failure, of disappointing anyone and the weird thing is that I'm so used to disappointments and failures that whenever I succeed or do something right, I feel as if something will happen to wipe all that goodness away. I'm so afraid of love that I push away, that I distance myself because to me, it just means I'm going to get hurt, and I don't want to get hurt any more.

I'm afraid of good things coming my way because I'm not used to it happening. I have this warped sense of reality; I perceive it differently and I know that won't change. I expect the worst, never understanding when something good happens.

I am me... I may be lost, might even be stuck in-between shadows and light. I may lose more of myself. All I know is that I am me. Just me.

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